![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on January 3, 2009, at 2:02:47
I was just watching 20/20 and it was an special on babies. They showed some older kids being breast fed. I wish I was old enough to remember being breast fed. It looks comforting. I was only breast fed for a few months. My sister got it longer.
I wish I got the comfort I needed.
Posted by Maria01 on January 3, 2009, at 11:28:07
In reply to I wish my Mom breast-fed me for a long time, posted by Deneb on January 3, 2009, at 2:02:47
What those specials fail to address is how that can really mess with a kid's need for boundaries between them and others. Young children need to know that they are in fact physically separate from others; prolonged nursing can sometimes mess with that perception. Once a little kid learns about boundaries, they begin to understand that a) no one has the right to mishandle them and b) since they are a separate physical entity from other people, they need to respect other people's boundaries as well, both physical and emotional.
Nursing isn't the only source of comfort for babies..any opportunity that a baby has to be in close contact with their primary caregiver is a chance for closeness and comfort; playing, resting, care-giving, feeding(bottle and/or breast), "story time", any time, really.
Wishing for comfort is something you might want to discuss with your T, but prolonged nursing isn't neccessarily the sweet picture you saw on 20/20. If anything, it does a disservice to all the great moms who otherwise are unable to or who choose not to nurse their babies.
Posted by onceupon on January 3, 2009, at 21:38:51
In reply to I wish my Mom breast-fed me for a long time, posted by Deneb on January 3, 2009, at 2:02:47
Hi Deneb,
I think I understand that wish for comfort - for me it can turn into this voracious longing that feels like it will overwhelm me if I let it. I hope you are able to find some comfort here on PB, and IRL as well. Do you have a sense of what kind of comfort you're needing/wanting now?
Posted by onceupon on January 3, 2009, at 21:39:31
In reply to Re: I wish my Mom breast-fed me for a long time, posted by Maria01 on January 3, 2009, at 11:28:07
Posted by onceupon on January 3, 2009, at 21:46:55
In reply to Re: I wish my Mom breast-fed me for a long time, posted by Maria01 on January 3, 2009, at 11:28:07
You know, I started to write a response to this, but then I figured it was getting too personal, so I started over.
FWIW, the World Health Organization recommends a minimum of 2 years of breastfeeding, and the worldwide average age of weaning is 4. That's not to say that women who can't or choose not to breastfeed are doing anything wrong or harmful.
I'm curious as to whether there is any evidence that prolonged nursing disrupts kids' ability to form "appropriate" boundaries. IME, nursing my 2-year-old has not in any way interfered with his process of differentiation (but of course, I might be biased about that). I don't have any plans to nurse him until he's 6, but it makes me sad that I feel the need to defend my choice (made jointly with my son who has not yet chosen to wean) to continue breastfeeding him past his second birthday. And I should clarify that when I say I feel the need to defend my choice, it's mostly with my husband and his family, not anyone on this board.
At any rate, I certainly understand that there are other sources of comfort for babies, and for toddlers and older children as well.
I apologize if this is not the place for this discussion - just felt compelled to respond.
Posted by Maria01 on January 4, 2009, at 19:04:58
In reply to Re: I wish my Mom breast-fed me for a long time, posted by onceupon on January 3, 2009, at 21:46:55
well, a lot of it depends on the emotional state of the mother. If she's nursing a child to meet her own needs, then there's a problem. If she's nursing to meet the needs of her child, then that's a different story.
Some moms are afraid to let their babies grow up, and try to keep them in an infantilized state for as long as possible. That's not good, especially for the kid because their "job", if you will, is to learn to become a separate person, both physically and emotionally. I've also been out in public and have seen pre-school age kids who are still nursing grabbing at their mothers and demanding to be fed..those kids will be in for a rude awakening when they start pre-school with that kind of behaviour. Different standards apply in Western and non-Western cultures(available food supply, cultural norms and all that), but whatever choices a woman makes with regard to her kids and their ongoing well-being, she should also be able to live with both the consequences and the benefits.Personally, seeing a pre-school age child(3-4) still nursing makes me wonder if he or she is also getting the solid food nutrition that they need so much at that age, or is Mom the only food source still.
No one should have to "defend" their choice, but they should be willing to live with any possible consequences of their choice, just like in other areas of life.
Posted by pegasus on January 5, 2009, at 10:23:39
In reply to Re: I wish my Mom breast-fed me for a long time, posted by Maria01 on January 4, 2009, at 19:04:58
I breast fed my daughter until her 3rd birthday, and stopped then only because I needed to conserve my own nutritional resources to recover from a major surgery. The consequences I've been living with from my decision to breast feed for a relatively long time include: a securely attached child, who is articulate about what she needs, polite and concerned about others, imaginative, great at independent play, comfortable in new situations, and very affectionate. In addition, she's been extremely healthy, and has experienced no more than an occasional cold during her almost 4 years of life so far. I haven't seen any evidence of problems with boundaries (e.g, no grabbing at my breasts or clinginess, or any sign of inappropriate relationship with me - IMHO), and she's definitely developing at a normal rate. Moreover, since around 6 months on, she happily ate solid food in addition to breast milk. As a 1- and 2-year-old he could not have survived on breast milk alone, as most kids could not. Going into her second year, breast feeding became largely a comforting, calming tool for her, and for me. Plus a way for her to get an additional nutritional boost. I think it really helped her learn how to comfort herself, which is something she's great at now. She's invented a wide variety of tools for self comfort at this point.
I know not all mothers choose to breast feed, nor are all able to. I think it's really critical for moms to take care of themselves around that, as well as taking care of their babies. If a mom is having an awful experience, or beating herself up about failing to breastfeed, then that's not good for the child or mom, for sure. And yet, based on my experience, I think when breast feeding does work, it can be a hugely positive experience for both child and mother. I really don't think it *necessarily* goes along with any significant negative consequences.
I completely understand Deneb's wish to have been held close, nurtured, and comforted by her mom for as long as possible. Sure, there are lots of ways to get that . . . and breastfeeding is one of the most powerful. When I nursed my daughter, I always felt that wish too, for my younger myself. I often felt that I was re-parenting (the right way this time) my own inner toddler as I was nurturing my daughter in a way she so clearly cherished. So, Deneb, maybe you will have a chance to do that for yourself and your own child someday too. Whether you breastfeed or not.
Peg
Posted by Kath on January 5, 2009, at 14:47:51
In reply to I wish my Mom breast-fed me for a long time, posted by Deneb on January 3, 2009, at 2:02:47
Hi Deneb,
I wish you got the comfort for longer also.
Sounds like a part of you longs for comfort & security & nurturing.
I once had someone tell me to get a photo of myself when I was little & looking at it, to hug my arms around myself. I guess to try to self-nurture myself at the age when I didn't get what I needed.
((((((((((you))))))))))))))
luv, Kath
Posted by fayeroe on January 7, 2009, at 11:23:13
In reply to Re: I wish my Mom breast-fed me for a long time, posted by Maria01 on January 4, 2009, at 19:04:58
Excuse me, but Deneb started this thread because she is feeling the loss of more comfort and support when she was a small child. I didn't get the sense that she was asking about boundaries and lectures.
I nursed my first baby for a year and when my second baby was born, a tragedy happened within the family and I lost my milk.
Deneb, I understand your feelings. I wish that I could have breastfed my daughter much, much longer.
I see breastfeeding asn a VERY individual choice and don't feel that this thread is the place to delve into mother's motives concerning their choices.
Deneb, it is never too late to have a happy childhood. Picture yourself being nurtured and also work on being better to yourself. I don't even remember being breastfed but I know that I was, up until I was around 18 months. My mother worked in the fields and had to quit because she needed the nutrients for herself.
Have you ever directly asked your mom how long you were nursed and why she stopped when she did? I recommend a discussion with her soon. :-)
xoxoxo
Posted by Deneb on January 9, 2009, at 12:27:55
In reply to Re: I wish my Mom breast-fed me for a long time, posted by onceupon on January 3, 2009, at 21:38:51
Sorry it took me so long to get to this thread. I sort of forgot about it.
Thanks for all your replies. What I want for comfort now?....
I think it might be nice to have someone hug me. I haven't been hugged in a long long time, like years.
Although, it's hard to say, but I might feel uncomfortable about hugging and that would negate the benefits of the hug. :/
Posted by Deneb on January 9, 2009, at 12:34:46
In reply to I wish my Mom breast-fed me for a long time » Maria01, posted by fayeroe on January 7, 2009, at 11:23:13
I'm not sure how long my Mom breast-fed me. I can ask, but it's kind of strange to ask.
I think I remember it was 6 months.
Maybe it's not just the nursing thing, my parents were never really affectionate towards me. Maybe I needed more affection. I don't remember ever hugging my Mom or my Mom hugging me.
I turned out pretty cold to physical affection. I remember felt weird about my ex boyfriend hugging me. He was very affectionate and I wasn't.
Posted by fayeroe on January 9, 2009, at 13:12:53
In reply to Re: I wish my Mom breast-fed me for a long time » onceupon, posted by Deneb on January 9, 2009, at 12:27:55
> Sorry it took me so long to get to this thread. I sort of forgot about it.
>
> Thanks for all your replies. What I want for comfort now?....
>
> I think it might be nice to have someone hug me. I haven't been hugged in a long long time, like years.
>
> Although, it's hard to say, but I might feel uncomfortable about hugging and that would negate the benefits of the hug. :/Hi, Deneb...I am under the impression that the guy you dated for awhile hugged you. If not, I'm sorry. Hugs are good.
Posted by fayeroe on January 9, 2009, at 17:26:31
In reply to Re: I wish my Mom breast-fed me for a long time » Deneb, posted by fayeroe on January 9, 2009, at 13:12:53
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.