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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 17:55:37
Absolutely blank.
The last few days I haven't even turned on my iPod in the car. Just drove in dead silence, even if I set it up to play. Nothing I do or hear or see is really sinking in. I'm trying to work but my brain is just so blank. I sit staring ahead basically. Even turning my eyes requires thought.
I know I've been stressed and anxious lately. But blanking out my brain is *not* going to help my stress level. I really wish my internal controller were a bit more sensible. I don't seem to be able to control it though.
My therapist never understands. I think he thinks it's schizotypal of me to say these things. Is it really so weird?
Posted by obsidian on January 15, 2009, at 19:46:18
In reply to I feel so weird., posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 17:55:37
are you dissociating?
maybe the anxiety has switched your circuit breaker
Posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 20:25:10
In reply to Re: I feel so weird., posted by obsidian on January 15, 2009, at 19:46:18
I think that is it, although I can't put my finger on it precisely. I was sitting today thinking everything around me seemed really weird, yet I wasn't quite sure it was derealization or depersonalization.
I use the term "circuit breaker". :) I always talked about my "controller", and I think my therapist had a hard time accepting that it's a totally mechanical thing as opposed to something with purpose. So now I use the circuit breaker analogy.
Posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 20:30:50
In reply to Re: I feel so weird. » obsidian, posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 20:25:10
I understand why he had trouble understanding. He wasn't try to push me into something or anything.
I'd just do something like thought stopping mid sentence and say something like "well, I guess my controller didn't want me to say that." The metaphor I was using was confusing to him.
Posted by Sigismund on January 15, 2009, at 21:02:30
In reply to Re: I feel so weird., posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 20:30:50
You never know do you.
I feel weird a lot in ways I can't explain and which most often does no good when I try, because it tends to sound lame...as in
'I just don't feel right',
or, if I am feeling more expansive
'Maybe there is a giant worm living in my brain?'
Posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 22:10:08
In reply to Re: I feel so weird., posted by Sigismund on January 15, 2009, at 21:02:30
I think I can identify with the giant worm one.
I think maybe I need to take my pup out for some walks. It doesn't do much for my anxiety, but it might jump start my brain.
Posted by DAisym on January 15, 2009, at 22:38:23
In reply to Re: I feel so weird. » Sigismund, posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 22:10:08
Sounds like your brain is shutting down to protect itself from sensory overload. No music, everything seeming a little off or weird -kind of out of focus. Your brain has had enough for awhile.
This is a good protective response, kind of like napping after a hard session. Those darn chemical responses are impossible to control. So I think you should respect what your body is trying to do and be gentle with it.
Think about Monk in the white room - totally sterile, totally quiet. And THEN his brain turned back on.
I hope you find a white room soon.
Posted by Sigismund on January 16, 2009, at 4:40:10
In reply to Re: I feel so weird. » Dinah, posted by DAisym on January 15, 2009, at 22:38:23
>Think about Monk in the white room - totally sterile, totally quiet.
I put on the Art of Fugue and do Pilates to it very slowly.
This seems to help.
Posted by seldomseen on January 16, 2009, at 7:53:37
In reply to I feel so weird., posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 17:55:37
I do that as well during periods of stess. Just kind of shut down to all things external. With much much concentration, I still manage to focus on the task at hand. like driving, working, writing, but to everything else, I'm gone.
For me It's like a selective dissociation and it is hard to snap out of.
I hope the work situation resolves quickly and you feel more like yourself soon.
Your therapist will come around shortly or he won't, but he'll try to help I'm sure.
Seldom
Posted by muffled on January 16, 2009, at 11:50:37
In reply to Re: I feel so weird. » Dinah, posted by DAisym on January 15, 2009, at 22:38:23
> I hope you find a white room soon.
Or my cave.
Its similiar, but dark because I like dark.
Warm and quiet and safe.
Hang in there Dinah.
M
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2009, at 20:37:06
In reply to Re: I feel so weird. » DAisym, posted by muffled on January 16, 2009, at 11:50:37
I love caves, that sounds wonderful. Thanks for inviting me to share.
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2009, at 20:43:53
In reply to Re: I feel so weird. » Dinah, posted by DAisym on January 15, 2009, at 22:38:23
I think that's a really large part of it. One of the major stressors right now is some big home repairs and workmen and noises and barking dogs. So the Monk imagery is really appropriate. My safe house is not only being torn apart, but it's also being invaded by sensory disturbances. I'm tense, my husband is tense, even my son is studying in his room to avoid the antsy dogs.
I just wish my controller would shut things down in such a way as to not make my stress worse because I can't concentrate enough to work. :( And, dare I say it, I think it's a bit quick on the trigger. I think maybe I could handle a bit more discomfort than it thinks.
My therapist has me talk to the controller as if it could understand. I gave it a shot, but I don't think it works that way.
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2009, at 20:46:18
In reply to Re: I feel so weird., posted by Sigismund on January 16, 2009, at 4:40:10
Even if my house weren't being worked on, I don't think I could find a patch of floor large enough to do Pilates. :) We even have trouble finding enough space to play Wii Sports as a family without knocking something over.
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2009, at 20:53:51
In reply to Re: I feel so weird. » Dinah, posted by seldomseen on January 16, 2009, at 7:53:37
I wish I could concentrate on work and zone out on everything else. :(
I was talking to a friend last night, and realized that I couldn't really remember much of the day before after a doctor appointment I had that ended up being far more... thorough... than I had anticipated. I mentally prepare for gyn visits, but I didn't expect the extent of the physical examination involved this time. I wasn't aware of feeling upset, but since that's the time I went from feeling anxious and a bit odd to being totally out of it, I have to guess there's some relationship.
It's a bit disturbing to me that I could blank out most of a day, have trouble associating that with what must have triggered it, and not even realize while it was happening that I was more than mildly self conscious as would be normal for the occasion.
My therapist is so unflappable. He just nodded and said that dissociation could feel scary sometimes. :) He is soooo good for me.
Posted by raisinb on January 17, 2009, at 15:10:03
In reply to I feel so weird., posted by Dinah on January 15, 2009, at 17:55:37
No, I don't think it's weird or schizotypal. That happens to me when I've been stressed and overwhelmed for a long period. It sounds like you need some time where you don't think at all. That's when I play computer games :)
Posted by Kath on January 18, 2009, at 19:38:05
In reply to Re: I feel so weird. » seldomseen, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2009, at 20:53:51
((((((you)))))
So glad you have your T.
He sounds calming, soothing, accepting & grounding.
love you, Kath
Posted by Dinah on January 20, 2009, at 2:05:03
In reply to Re: I feel so weird. » Dinah, posted by raisinb on January 17, 2009, at 15:10:03
My problem is that it turns into a vicious cycle. I'm not quite behind at work again, but I'm not as comfortable as I would be if I didn't fall apart after stress. If I could just hold it together one time, I might be able to keep things from getting so stressful.
Posted by Dinah on January 20, 2009, at 2:13:28
In reply to Re: I feel so weird. » Dinah, posted by Kath on January 18, 2009, at 19:38:05
He does the best that can be done given who I am. I'm a contrary creature. He shows so little concern that I want to try to impress on him that it's scary and it causes me problems. But if he showed concern, I'd dismiss it. And of course, there really isn't anything to be done about it. It's more in the nature of a chronic condition than an illness.
I suppose that's one reason I tell my pdoc that I'm doing fine, when really I'm not doing all that great but I don't feel in need of medication changes. Or I tell my general doctor I'm doing fine when the truth is that the vestibular problems and assorted other problems do interfere with my life. But there's nothing he can do about it, so I guess I am doing fine as far as what he's asking.
I think my therapist is probably right not to get overly concerned about an ongoing issue that isn't likely to change.
This is the end of the thread.
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