![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on April 29, 2009, at 14:22:38
I just need to rant for a second.
I am so tired of everything. I am so tired of being tired. I am so tired of being depressed. I am so tired of taking medication so as not to be depressed, and then ending up tired. Breaking appointments with friends. Breaking promises to myself. Because I sleep 12 hours on meds and wake up groggy and then have myself to deal with, myself myself myself. I am so sick of myself.
I am tired of stress. I am tired of living in a bombed out (not literally) house that we have been working on for 9 years. I am tired of not having a kid, not writing a novel, not having friends, not finishing a PhD, not doing any of it because I am tired, I am depressed, and I have this f&**ed up house to work on, which I have to work on, because there isn't enough money to hire out for all that needed and continues to need fixed.
I am tired of being poor because I live in a house that fell apart, that literally collapsed, and every little last bit of money has gone to fixing it.
I want to leave but we live in a state where the banks will go after us for the difference between foreclosure and value if we do leave. And an attorney has advised us the bank WILL go after us. So we're stuck stuck stuck.
I'm tired of being hot and cold in friendships. Excited to see friends when I have a bit of energy, then falling out of their lives when I am tired and depressed. They are tired of it too. I have really no one but my spouse, except for the superficial friendships that involve occasionally getting a cup of coffee, and not really talking about life. I have to hide my raging depressions and anxieties and self-esteem issues. Friends, these friends, they don't want to hear it.
I'm tired of myself.
Everyday (WARNING: TRIGGER), I see my end.
I see myself dead by the time my parent died: 40. I keep seeing myself dead. I keep seeing myself committing suicide in the intractable, not-crying-out-for-help act that I am sure I will perform. I see myself pinning a note to my coat that's written in sharpie pen. I see myself writing letters to my spouse, my mother, a couple relatives I hold dear. A letter to the paramedics: I'm sorry you have to see yet another death; I'm sorry for what I've done here, I'm sorry that you see this every day. I see that I am stuck inside of choices that give me no true way out, besides that dreaded end. I keep seeing it in my head and I feel I know it will come true.The few people I still see: their lives are so different from mine. They are writers, too, but they have had nothing like depression or a bad choice in housing to distract them. They have published much more, produced plays, gotten their PhDs, had a child or two.
I live in this empty, always-in-process house, in a state where there is sunshine 5 months out of the year, and sometimes I cannot write because I cannot concentrate. I am sick of it all. I am so tired of it all.
I don't want to go back on the medication-go-round. I don't want anymore of this struggle.
I don't want to go to the hospital, because the hospital is where I ended up worse than I ever was. The hospital is where I thought I would be safe and where I wasn't at all.God help me.
Posted by fleeting flutterby on April 29, 2009, at 15:28:36
In reply to Giving up (*potentially triggering*), posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on April 29, 2009, at 14:22:38
I'm sorry you are struggling so. It's a rough place to be when things seems so negative.
I'm not much good at helping-- though, I'd like to say something that I hope might help in some way. and that is -- Please, please try hard not to compare yourself with others. (i know it's hard, I find myself doing it too) There will always be people that appear to have more, those that look better, those that seem happier..... it's like the dog chasing his tail..... it's a circle that goes on and on....
I was told when I feel really low-- to make a list of things I can be thankful for.... maybe that would help you?? I know it seems a bit corny, but it may help.
like-- I would write--
1.-- I can walk, see and hear.-- for that I am thankful
2.-- I have food in my fridge and dishes in my cupboard.-- for that I am thankful
3.-- I have a bicycle and can now ride it in the warmer weather.-- for that I am thankful
.... to name a few.....things have been overwhelmingly upsetting lately for me also.... I don't think I'd be here today if I didn't keep the "thankful list" in my mind.
I hope you will feel better about yourself and your present place in life real soon.
thinking of you,
flutterby-mandy
Posted by antigua3 on April 29, 2009, at 19:38:27
In reply to Giving up (*potentially triggering*), posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on April 29, 2009, at 14:22:38
I can't tell you how sorry I am that you feel this way. I can only say that I understand how you feel.
I, too, am a writer and compare myself to the success of my very successful writer friends and I always come up lacking. I go through phases where I avoid writing for this very reason, despite how self-defeating I know this is.
I am tired of fighting with my husband over the lack of my ability to get a job and contribute so that we can keep up with our crumbling house, a son in college and another child getting ready to go.
I'm tired of the meds go round, but mostly I'm tired of the pain like you are. Something keeps me going, I'm not sure what it is, but I can envision what you do, but I hold on tight to something inside. It's faith, I think. Faith that things will change for the better. I have to believe that.
And I isolate myself from my friends because how could I possibly explain this to them, and why would they even understand?
Isolating is not good for me; I know that, but that's my defense mechanism. I just broke an important appt today with people working to help me realize one of my dreams because I simply couldn't handle dealing with them.
Sorry to make this about me. I just wanted to say, You're not alone. You really aren't, and I know how difficult this can be.
I'm really sorry about the no kid part. That must be very hard for you if it's something you really want.
I was struck in your post that you believe that you picture yourself dead at the age one of your parents died. Sometimes people who have experienced such a loss have a really hard time until they get to that age and realize they're still alive. So is there something about this death that is still gripping you? I may be all wrong, so excuse me if I am.
Everything you describe sounds like severe depression. And you have every right to feel that way, but you need help, which I assume you're getting.
You said in an earlier post that you're a giver. So find somewhere, something to give to that will make you feel better.
And write. Don't judge yoursef against others. Easier said than done, I know, but often when we can see behind others success in this realm, it's not what it's all cracked up to be. At least that's been my experience. You know that you are the only one holding yourself back (like me) and I've recently spent a lot of therapy time trying to figure out what it is that I'm so afraid of. I know that it stems from childhood experiences and I have a great deal of fear of both success and failure.
Sometimes I find that forcing myself to sit down and write just a sentence gets me going. Of course, making myself do that can be agonizing, but I usually find that the results are very rewarding.
If the weather is good, get outside for part of the day. I walk. I've also found that if I set myself a strict routine every morning, I can get through that groggy period.
You have friends here. People understand how you're feeling. And if you post, you're writing.
I don't know what else to say. Your post struck so close to home, but I have this sign in my office that says "never, never, never give up." It's my saving grace and I look at it often when I'm trying to write or trying to generate the energy it takes to get through every day.
So, talk to someone, get your meds adjusted and try to get outside of yourself. Just being outside reminds me of the beauty of nature and sometimes that is enough for me.
antigua
Posted by softheprairie on April 30, 2009, at 1:55:39
In reply to Giving up (*potentially triggering*), posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on April 29, 2009, at 14:22:38
Regarding the house being a heavy weight on your shoulders, I think if I were you, I would get a consultation with an experienced bankruptcy attorney in your state to consider if that is a way you can leave the house. One decision to buy that house shouldn't haunt and burden you indefinitely. It sounds like you need a fresh start without it.
I identify with a lot of the things you mention, but I am doing a lot better in the past several months than the preceeding five years. I'm glad I stuck through it till I found a better med mixture.
Posted by Zana on April 30, 2009, at 16:08:54
In reply to Giving up (*potentially triggering*), posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on April 29, 2009, at 14:22:38
I hear all of the pain and hardship in your life but I am struck by all the potential. I find myself excited to know that you are working on a PhD and want to know what you are studying. I think it's grand that you are a writer, even if you are struggling to get any work done, and I am curious about what kind of writing you do. Tell us some of the good stuff. What have you managed to do with the damn house? I too am living in a house we can't afford and can't afford to sell. It's a terrible burden. But it sounds as though you have made some headway, accomplished something with your's.
Maybe this sounds way off base but your post leaves me wanting to know more about you and what you are struggling to accomplish.Zana
Posted by Kath on May 1, 2009, at 21:49:24
In reply to Giving up (*potentially triggering*), posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on April 29, 2009, at 14:22:38
I'm so very sorry you are in such tremendous pain.
I wish there were something I could say or do to help.
I wish I could be there to put my hand on your arm or give you a real hug.
Please let us know how you are. Even a quick post, if you feel up to it.
Kath
Posted by Poet on May 3, 2009, at 15:56:31
In reply to Giving up (*potentially triggering*), posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on April 29, 2009, at 14:22:38
Hi Amelia,
At many points in my life I have nvisioned writing "the note" on a post-it with a sharpie, only because I have to be perfect, I'd probably end up writing sorry for the bad wording and penmanship.
Your house situation sounds horrid, like a true money pit, bankruptcy is an option, but the damage to your credit rating can take years to clear, so I really don't know what to tell you.
I can tell you that you are intelligent, you write well and one day maybe will crank out that novel and get your PhD. Depression has clouded your any positive thoughts about what a good future you might have, I know those negative thoughts well. Maybe you need to switch from your current med to something that won't make you so tired? I'm on my third anti-depressant in less than five years, so I know how they can get to you.
Take care.
Poet (who can't write poetry worth %$#@ anynore)
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 5, 2009, at 16:43:27
In reply to ((((you)))) » Amelia_in_StPaul, posted by Kath on May 1, 2009, at 21:49:24
I want to personally respond to each of you, and will--for now, I just wanted to say thank you, so much, for all your kind words and empathy, and to just let you know I'm alive. I'm still struggling, and the suicidal ideation comes and goes, strong and then weak, ebb and flow, but I am alive, and fighting. Will respond soon...when I feel more coherent/less in the pits...love, Amelia
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 15, 2009, at 18:29:55
In reply to Re: Giving up (*potentially triggering*) » Amelia_in_StPaul, posted by fleeting flutterby on April 29, 2009, at 15:28:36
dear mandy, I read your post when you first posted it, and it touched me and did help me quite a bit. I am sorry that it took me awhile to post back, but I was even worse than when I originally wrote about my suicidal ideation, and wasn't much able to focus and say something positive.
And in my selfish depressive state, I did not see (or saw but did not remember) that you mentioned not doing too well either. How are you now? Are you doing okay?
I thank you for the gratitude exercise. I will add it to my repertoire of tools, some of which became a bit rusty for awhile there.
thank you ((((((mandy))))
> I'm sorry you are struggling so. It's a rough place to be when things seems so negative.
>
> I'm not much good at helping-- though, I'd like to say something that I hope might help in some way. and that is -- Please, please try hard not to compare yourself with others. (i know it's hard, I find myself doing it too) There will always be people that appear to have more, those that look better, those that seem happier..... it's like the dog chasing his tail..... it's a circle that goes on and on....
>
> I was told when I feel really low-- to make a list of things I can be thankful for.... maybe that would help you?? I know it seems a bit corny, but it may help.
>
> like-- I would write--
> 1.-- I can walk, see and hear.-- for that I am thankful
> 2.-- I have food in my fridge and dishes in my cupboard.-- for that I am thankful
> 3.-- I have a bicycle and can now ride it in the warmer weather.-- for that I am thankful
> .... to name a few.....
>
> things have been overwhelmingly upsetting lately for me also.... I don't think I'd be here today if I didn't keep the "thankful list" in my mind.
>
> I hope you will feel better about yourself and your present place in life real soon.
> thinking of you,
> flutterby-mandy
>
>
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 15, 2009, at 18:41:57
In reply to Re: Giving up **triggering**, posted by antigua3 on April 29, 2009, at 19:38:27
dear antigua, it meant so much to me to hear about your experiences as a writer. I don't know personally any writers with mood disorders so it can get kind of lonely. I too go through phases where I avoid writing because of comparisons--and my need to "get it right" with first drafts (ha!) because there are comparatively fewer hours that I can write, as opposed to someone w/out a mood disorder.
I can't believe you are going through similar things. God, I'm so sorry it took me so long to respond to everyone--what selfishness depression induces in me!!
You too are living in a house with needs, as I like to call it? AND you have a son in college? And you struggle with a husband that doesn't "get" your need to keep writing. I am sorry--those are a lot of stressors. How do you keep going? Are you doing okay?
I read (and absorbed!) your comment about just getting outside and walking. I have started to do just that, after this terribly long winter, and it's feeling good. The writing isn't coming yet--I can't concentrate, or rather, I can't seem to refocus from my depression and from mental illness thoughts to thoughts about life in general--does that makes sense?--and neither is the editing work I do (I have a project I am supposed to be completing, but the sentences just kind of string together, and are not resolving into anything meaningful for me). But it will come, I know; and you have helped remind me of that, for which I am really grateful.
The parallels in our lives are so intriguing to me!! May I ask what writing you do--poetry, fiction, non-fiction, magazine?
Finally, I think you are right about not being able to see myself past the age of my father's death. I think you are very accurate about that, in fact. I have always had a hard time believing I could live past that age, and I seem to work myself into a frenzy about it the closer I am to that age.
Oh--I wanted to say--next Thursday I see a new psychiatrist (the old one wasn't cutting it--he's not interested in changing meds), and I do hope, with all I have I hope, that my med situation will get adjusted.
Thanks so much for your note (((((antigua)))))).
> I can't tell you how sorry I am that you feel this way. I can only say that I understand how you feel.
>
> I, too, am a writer and compare myself to the success of my very successful writer friends and I always come up lacking. I go through phases where I avoid writing for this very reason, despite how self-defeating I know this is.
>
> I am tired of fighting with my husband over the lack of my ability to get a job and contribute so that we can keep up with our crumbling house, a son in college and another child getting ready to go.
>
> I'm tired of the meds go round, but mostly I'm tired of the pain like you are. Something keeps me going, I'm not sure what it is, but I can envision what you do, but I hold on tight to something inside. It's faith, I think. Faith that things will change for the better. I have to believe that.
>
> And I isolate myself from my friends because how could I possibly explain this to them, and why would they even understand?
>
> Isolating is not good for me; I know that, but that's my defense mechanism. I just broke an important appt today with people working to help me realize one of my dreams because I simply couldn't handle dealing with them.
>
> Sorry to make this about me. I just wanted to say, You're not alone. You really aren't, and I know how difficult this can be.
>
> I'm really sorry about the no kid part. That must be very hard for you if it's something you really want.
>
> I was struck in your post that you believe that you picture yourself dead at the age one of your parents died. Sometimes people who have experienced such a loss have a really hard time until they get to that age and realize they're still alive. So is there something about this death that is still gripping you? I may be all wrong, so excuse me if I am.
>
> Everything you describe sounds like severe depression. And you have every right to feel that way, but you need help, which I assume you're getting.
>
> You said in an earlier post that you're a giver. So find somewhere, something to give to that will make you feel better.
>
> And write. Don't judge yoursef against others. Easier said than done, I know, but often when we can see behind others success in this realm, it's not what it's all cracked up to be. At least that's been my experience. You know that you are the only one holding yourself back (like me) and I've recently spent a lot of therapy time trying to figure out what it is that I'm so afraid of. I know that it stems from childhood experiences and I have a great deal of fear of both success and failure.
>
> Sometimes I find that forcing myself to sit down and write just a sentence gets me going. Of course, making myself do that can be agonizing, but I usually find that the results are very rewarding.
>
> If the weather is good, get outside for part of the day. I walk. I've also found that if I set myself a strict routine every morning, I can get through that groggy period.
>
> You have friends here. People understand how you're feeling. And if you post, you're writing.
>
> I don't know what else to say. Your post struck so close to home, but I have this sign in my office that says "never, never, never give up." It's my saving grace and I look at it often when I'm trying to write or trying to generate the energy it takes to get through every day.
>
> So, talk to someone, get your meds adjusted and try to get outside of yourself. Just being outside reminds me of the beauty of nature and sometimes that is enough for me.
> antigua
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 15, 2009, at 18:42:54
In reply to Re: Giving up **triggering**, posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 15, 2009, at 18:41:57
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 15, 2009, at 18:48:32
In reply to Re: Giving up (*potentially triggering*), posted by softheprairie on April 30, 2009, at 1:55:39
hello softheprairie, thank you for you supportive message. ahhh, I agree--unfortunately, we consulted a bankruptcy attorney last year. we would have to file chapter 13, which in recent years has changed. there are rather draconian standards that get applied to every person, no matter what state they live in, what their personal needs are, etc. so you can only have such and such for food, for housing, for "extras"--no money for caring for our cat with kidney failure, no money to clothe my spouse as he should be clothed in his job as a director of operations. so...but we're going to try to stick it out by doing a lot of labor ourselves and then get the h_ll out of here. it has been so hard. I thank you for your empathy.
it's good, so good, to know that someone else has been through terrible trials and lived to tell about it. I just can't see, sometimes, the end of the burden, the end of the depression. I thank you so much for your message of hope.
> Regarding the house being a heavy weight on your shoulders, I think if I were you, I would get a consultation with an experienced bankruptcy attorney in your state to consider if that is a way you can leave the house. One decision to buy that house shouldn't haunt and burden you indefinitely. It sounds like you need a fresh start without it.
> I identify with a lot of the things you mention, but I am doing a lot better in the past several months than the preceeding five years. I'm glad I stuck through it till I found a better med mixture.
>
>
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 15, 2009, at 18:57:40
In reply to Re: Giving up (*potentially triggering*), posted by Zana on April 30, 2009, at 16:08:54
hello (((((((zana)))))))
thank you for your positive perspective! actually, I was in a PhD (English) but dropped out several years ago. Never say "never," but I think that road has closed for me.
still interested in hearing some good stuff? (I know it has been an embarrassingly long time between your post and my message--it just sort of got worse for awhile and I found it hard to even think about being hopeful.) Okay (big breath), I'll try...I am working on short fiction and a novel. The novel I haven't touched since fall, but I hope to get back to it this summer, since it takes place in the summer anyway. I did finish a completed piece of short fiction this spring, for which I'm grateful, and then wrote half of, but could not complete, another piece, because it turned out to be triggering. I love writing short fiction and can't wait to feel better so that I can take it up again.
my monster house does now have a positive to it...the upstairs is getting closer to being done...and it has pretty colors--a muted yellow in the closet room, an orange hallway, and a blue bedroom. a family member who tends to be a big critic came over and sort of said "wow" and "wow," which helped a lot--to think of the smell of rot and the falling plaster that used to exist on the second floor and to see now the colors that sooth and excite.
we have to try to do that with the downstairs, which mostly needs work because of all the damage that happened during tear down and reconstruction of the upstairs (someone fell through the bathroom ceiling, but wasn't hurt, thank god), but also because the former owners kind of covered up stuff with wallpaper and hasty paint jobs. when I think of all it needs as one big project, I despair--it took us, literally, four years to do the upstairs--so I need to try to remember that it does feel good to take such an awful circumstance and turn it around, and too, try to chunk out the projects downstairs, taking it one at a time.
I hope I didn't bore you with all of this. How incredibly kind and empathetic of you to ask me about the positives. Honestly, your post lit up a light inside of me of hope and joy (and better self-regard than I've had in recent months), but I was still so depressed and in a fog that I let that feeling get away.
thank you so much (((((((zana))))))))
> I hear all of the pain and hardship in your life but I am struck by all the potential. I find myself excited to know that you are working on a PhD and want to know what you are studying. I think it's grand that you are a writer, even if you are struggling to get any work done, and I am curious about what kind of writing you do. Tell us some of the good stuff. What have you managed to do with the damn house? I too am living in a house we can't afford and can't afford to sell. It's a terrible burden. But it sounds as though you have made some headway, accomplished something with your's.
> Maybe this sounds way off base but your post leaves me wanting to know more about you and what you are struggling to accomplish.
>
> Zana
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 15, 2009, at 19:01:38
In reply to ((((you)))) » Amelia_in_StPaul, posted by Kath on May 1, 2009, at 21:49:24
dear (((((((Kath)))))) your post was a huge hug, a great big message of tenderness and regard. I thank you so very much for it. It did help, it really did, and I am just sorry that it has taken me so long to compose myself so that I could write back in a fitting way.
I am feeling a little bit better, mostly thanks to therapy. My meds are still an issue, but therapy with my new therapist (so many changes! I see a new psychiatrist next week) in the last few weeks has been helping.
I can't tell you how humbling it is to know such kind souls as you exist out there. I hope that I have opportunities to give back to you all.
I wish I could explain better just how much your note touched me.
((((((Kath))))))
> I'm so very sorry you are in such tremendous pain.
>
> I wish there were something I could say or do to help.
>
> I wish I could be there to put my hand on your arm or give you a real hug.
>
> Please let us know how you are. Even a quick post, if you feel up to it.
>
> Kath
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 15, 2009, at 19:09:14
In reply to Re: Giving up (*potentially triggering*) » Amelia_in_StPaul, posted by Poet on May 3, 2009, at 15:56:31
Oh my gosh Poet, thank you for the laugh!!! I too would probably keep rewriting the darn post-it, until a trash-can full of little balls later, I'd give up out of pure mental exhaustion.
Ahhhhh yesssss I have been trying to tell my @%*$# psychiatrist that the meds are not working, and I have tried for a few months, which should be enough for anyone. I finally got wise and found a new psychiatrist, one who will hopefully listen and help me find a new combo or new med. I go next Thursday--wish me luck!
Do you know, the Money Pit (the movie) was on TV and it actually made my spouse sort of livid? He couldn't stand to watch a minute of it. Me, I WATCHED IT. How sick do you have to be to do that to yourself? In the end, I kind of had to laugh.
I'm sorry that it's taken so long for me to respond. I got worse, and then I felt better, and now I can concentrate enough to finally write an overdue "thank you." All these notes have meant so much--and I needed humor as well as empathy, and I thank you for both.
No poetry anymore for you? Is that a good or bad thing? (I used to write poetry, but found its tendency to induce melancholia in me was not a good thing--no such problem with fiction.)
Thank you, Poet.
> Hi Amelia,
>
> At many points in my life I have nvisioned writing "the note" on a post-it with a sharpie, only because I have to be perfect, I'd probably end up writing sorry for the bad wording and penmanship.
>
> Your house situation sounds horrid, like a true money pit, bankruptcy is an option, but the damage to your credit rating can take years to clear, so I really don't know what to tell you.
>
> I can tell you that you are intelligent, you write well and one day maybe will crank out that novel and get your PhD. Depression has clouded your any positive thoughts about what a good future you might have, I know those negative thoughts well. Maybe you need to switch from your current med to something that won't make you so tired? I'm on my third anti-depressant in less than five years, so I know how they can get to you.
>
> Take care.
>
> Poet (who can't write poetry worth %$#@ anynore)
Posted by antigua3 on May 16, 2009, at 7:38:00
In reply to Re: Giving up **triggering**, posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 15, 2009, at 18:41:57
I'm so happy to see that you're feeling well enough to post again, and please don't apologize. (Remember, at least you're writing!) Everyone here understands that we all go through phases, and depression can just take you away to that darkest spot where you can't do anything.
We do seem to be going through similar things and I'm sorry you feel them too. It's nice to know I'm not alone either.
I'm a writer and editor too and I know how difficult it can be to work when our minds can't concentrate or focus. I'm not a first draft kind of person. My perfectionism comes in where I rewrite and edit to death until I can let it go. It's exhausting.
I, took, like short fiction and have been working on a collection of short stories (the novel has been put on hold like you), but I'm finding that writing them can be very triggering and not only do I have to back off, I become totally unable to write.
Plenty of stressors to go all around. How do I keep going? Some type of internal faith keeps me going.
But now let me make you feel better and show you there is hope.
I have my writing and I've been working on developing a "dream" project for years. Last year, I thought the project was really going to work out this time. But last fall, my financial backer pulled the plug. I was devastated, partly because I didn't see it coming and also because all I could think of was what a huge failure I am.
I thought I was functioning OK dealing with this loss, to the point that I went off my AD, with my pdoc's agreement, because it was too agitating.I couldn't find work as an editor either after this because the economy was so bad. I'd send out resumes,contact friends and colleagues, etc., all to no avail. Things started to get desperate around here, with my husband on my back to get to work. Also, while I was still working on developing my dream project, there was no way I was going to be able to pay to keep the development going. It was all so horrible, although gratefully my children were OK. Therapy was also so intense that I spiraled downwards pretty quick to the most horrible place I ever remember being.
Last Sunday, Mother's Day, I woke up so early and couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up and laid on the couch, trying to figure out what I was going to do. I was going to have to abandon my project and quit therapy, among other things, because there was just no more money.
So I laid on the couch and did some EMDR. A hypnotist had taught me the protocol (I had done it before so I knew what to expect). This calmed me down some and the thought emerged that I was giving up therapy because it was causing me so much pain, I was having troubles with both my pdoc and T, and I just didn't see the outcome as being positive: I felt that when it came down to it, I was alone with my feelings (PTSD) and despite their help, I would always be alone and I didn't see heading down that final path with either one of them if the result was going to be the same. They are just people, not Gods, and I have to figure out how to deal with my issues by myself. I've always been alone when it comes down to it,so why put myself through such pain.
I felt a little better and went to church with my MIL as part of her Mother's Day present as I had no money to even buy her a gift. Church was comforting in a way and I do admit I prayed pretty hard, although I don't ever expect prayers to be answered.
Mother's Day is a difficult day for me anyway, but it worked out nicely with my kids, even though one is away at college. Last year I had to physically prevent myself from doing something awful,so I was on guard. After the festivities, I just spiraled even further downward and I really don't know how I made it through the day. I was quitting therapy, my dream project was dead, we are about to go under financially, I couldn't get work, I couldn't write and I felt terrible about myself. It was all my own fault for getting (us) into this situation.
A couple of weeks ago,I asked my pdoc to put me back on an AD and while I did feel better in some ways, it just made me feel that I now had the strength to end it all.
On Monday, things started to happen. I heard from a company that I'd sent my resume to last fall. They needed another editor. I made an appt to go see them and by Thursday I was working again. Then I had a couple of appts about my project and all of a sudden there is hope there again. And my son is coming home from college today for a visit.
I actually had called to quit therapy before all this happened, and my pdoc and my T came through in ways that I never imagined. Talk about corrective emotional experiences! I knew my pdoc wouldn't try to talk me out of it, but we talked on the phone and he treated me and gave me what I needed to hear. So while I'd like to quit therapy, it's not time and hopefully I will have the money to pay for it again. They both convinced me that going down this path to the core of my tortured soul doesn't have to be the same as I felt when I was on my own as child: terrified, abandoned and abused. I'm not sure I believe them yet, but now I have the opportunity to find out, and hopefully take this last journey with them.
I'm still stunned. Not writing yet, but that will come. All of a sudden I have hope again, the most precious commodity for a depressed person. And it all happened in a week.
I don't know what my message is except Don't Give Up. There is hope, even in our darkest hours.You have to find something to hold on to. For me, it's just faith that things will change. Not religious faith, but something inside that keeps me going, although I came perilously close to losing it all.
I get so involved in evaluating my self-worth by a really stringent set of standards based on my work. It gets so bad that I forget my value as a person. That I have a good heart, I'm compassionate and I freely give my love to those around me. Those are the things that really matter--not failing or succeding at work, or not being able to get work, or keeping the peace with my husband. I guess I know that my core is solid, even though I'm chased by demons I can't seem to eradicate. They are always there--criticizing me and letting me know what a failure I am. It's horrible, but in thinking so hard last Sunday, I shocked myself back into remembering who I really am. If we lose our house, that would be terrible, but it wouldn't change who I am.
Sorry to be so long, but I think I needed to get this out.
The only negative thing I can see from all the good that happened this week is that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've never been able to truly enjoy "success" (however I define it) without worrying that something bad is going to happen. Somehow or other, well, based on childhood experiences, I don't believe I deserve good things. Sigh.. another thing to work on.
So write! Try something new if the old stuff is triggering. It doesn't mean you'd be abandoning the work that is triggering you. It just means that you will have another piece in your portfolio down the road.
Please take care, and write to me anytime.
I'm glad you're seeing a new pdoc this week and I'm sending good thoughts your way. Just be honest about how badly you feel and let him/her know what hasn't worked in the past.
antigua
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 17, 2009, at 19:42:31
In reply to Re: Giving up **triggering** » Amelia_in_StPaul, posted by antigua3 on May 16, 2009, at 7:38:00
Oh antigua, I posted (I thought) a long reply, and it seems to have gotten lost in the moving forest of 0s and 1s. Actually, I probably didn't hit the second post reply button.
I wanted to say that I am SO HAPPY for you. The job, the dream project, and your son visiting all sound like such great blooms of triumph in the midst of so much low down dirty despair. I am so, so happy for you. And also, what a great reminder that all things, even despair, are impermanent. I CAN get through this--thank you!!!
What you said about knowing your core is solid--that you are a giving, loving person--so resonates with me. First, YOU are so obviously a giving, loving person--look at the gifts you've given me here, this support and this empathy! Second, that is what I aspire to. I would rather leave this earth knowing that I have truly loved and been loved than having been a great author. I'd like both, but if I can't have them, I'll take the former.
But I feel better, and, taking your advice, I'm going to leave off the triggering work for now and start writing something completely different. Something so foreign to me, it's as though I'm taking a fabulous trip through imagination.
Thanks antigua!! Did you start your new job--how is it?? I am sending positive vibes to you: may your dream project come to fruition, and be everything you dreamed, and more...
> I'm so happy to see that you're feeling well enough to post again, and please don't apologize. (Remember, at least you're writing!) Everyone here understands that we all go through phases, and depression can just take you away to that darkest spot where you can't do anything.
>
> We do seem to be going through similar things and I'm sorry you feel them too. It's nice to know I'm not alone either.
>
> I'm a writer and editor too and I know how difficult it can be to work when our minds can't concentrate or focus. I'm not a first draft kind of person. My perfectionism comes in where I rewrite and edit to death until I can let it go. It's exhausting.
>
> I, took, like short fiction and have been working on a collection of short stories (the novel has been put on hold like you), but I'm finding that writing them can be very triggering and not only do I have to back off, I become totally unable to write.
>
> Plenty of stressors to go all around. How do I keep going? Some type of internal faith keeps me going.
>
> But now let me make you feel better and show you there is hope.
>
> I have my writing and I've been working on developing a "dream" project for years. Last year, I thought the project was really going to work out this time. But last fall, my financial backer pulled the plug. I was devastated, partly because I didn't see it coming and also because all I could think of was what a huge failure I am.
> I thought I was functioning OK dealing with this loss, to the point that I went off my AD, with my pdoc's agreement, because it was too agitating.
>
> I couldn't find work as an editor either after this because the economy was so bad. I'd send out resumes,contact friends and colleagues, etc., all to no avail. Things started to get desperate around here, with my husband on my back to get to work. Also, while I was still working on developing my dream project, there was no way I was going to be able to pay to keep the development going. It was all so horrible, although gratefully my children were OK. Therapy was also so intense that I spiraled downwards pretty quick to the most horrible place I ever remember being.
>
> Last Sunday, Mother's Day, I woke up so early and couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up and laid on the couch, trying to figure out what I was going to do. I was going to have to abandon my project and quit therapy, among other things, because there was just no more money.
>
> So I laid on the couch and did some EMDR. A hypnotist had taught me the protocol (I had done it before so I knew what to expect). This calmed me down some and the thought emerged that I was giving up therapy because it was causing me so much pain, I was having troubles with both my pdoc and T, and I just didn't see the outcome as being positive: I felt that when it came down to it, I was alone with my feelings (PTSD) and despite their help, I would always be alone and I didn't see heading down that final path with either one of them if the result was going to be the same. They are just people, not Gods, and I have to figure out how to deal with my issues by myself. I've always been alone when it comes down to it,so why put myself through such pain.
>
> I felt a little better and went to church with my MIL as part of her Mother's Day present as I had no money to even buy her a gift. Church was comforting in a way and I do admit I prayed pretty hard, although I don't ever expect prayers to be answered.
>
> Mother's Day is a difficult day for me anyway, but it worked out nicely with my kids, even though one is away at college. Last year I had to physically prevent myself from doing something awful,so I was on guard. After the festivities, I just spiraled even further downward and I really don't know how I made it through the day. I was quitting therapy, my dream project was dead, we are about to go under financially, I couldn't get work, I couldn't write and I felt terrible about myself. It was all my own fault for getting (us) into this situation.
>
> A couple of weeks ago,I asked my pdoc to put me back on an AD and while I did feel better in some ways, it just made me feel that I now had the strength to end it all.
>
> On Monday, things started to happen. I heard from a company that I'd sent my resume to last fall. They needed another editor. I made an appt to go see them and by Thursday I was working again. Then I had a couple of appts about my project and all of a sudden there is hope there again. And my son is coming home from college today for a visit.
>
> I actually had called to quit therapy before all this happened, and my pdoc and my T came through in ways that I never imagined. Talk about corrective emotional experiences! I knew my pdoc wouldn't try to talk me out of it, but we talked on the phone and he treated me and gave me what I needed to hear. So while I'd like to quit therapy, it's not time and hopefully I will have the money to pay for it again. They both convinced me that going down this path to the core of my tortured soul doesn't have to be the same as I felt when I was on my own as child: terrified, abandoned and abused. I'm not sure I believe them yet, but now I have the opportunity to find out, and hopefully take this last journey with them.
>
> I'm still stunned. Not writing yet, but that will come. All of a sudden I have hope again, the most precious commodity for a depressed person. And it all happened in a week.
>
> I don't know what my message is except Don't Give Up. There is hope, even in our darkest hours.You have to find something to hold on to. For me, it's just faith that things will change. Not religious faith, but something inside that keeps me going, although I came perilously close to losing it all.
>
> I get so involved in evaluating my self-worth by a really stringent set of standards based on my work. It gets so bad that I forget my value as a person. That I have a good heart, I'm compassionate and I freely give my love to those around me. Those are the things that really matter--not failing or succeding at work, or not being able to get work, or keeping the peace with my husband. I guess I know that my core is solid, even though I'm chased by demons I can't seem to eradicate. They are always there--criticizing me and letting me know what a failure I am. It's horrible, but in thinking so hard last Sunday, I shocked myself back into remembering who I really am. If we lose our house, that would be terrible, but it wouldn't change who I am.
>
> Sorry to be so long, but I think I needed to get this out.
>
> The only negative thing I can see from all the good that happened this week is that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've never been able to truly enjoy "success" (however I define it) without worrying that something bad is going to happen. Somehow or other, well, based on childhood experiences, I don't believe I deserve good things. Sigh.. another thing to work on.
>
> So write! Try something new if the old stuff is triggering. It doesn't mean you'd be abandoning the work that is triggering you. It just means that you will have another piece in your portfolio down the road.
>
> Please take care, and write to me anytime.
>
> I'm glad you're seeing a new pdoc this week and I'm sending good thoughts your way. Just be honest about how badly you feel and let him/her know what hasn't worked in the past.
>
> antigua
Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 17, 2009, at 19:43:32
In reply to Re: Giving up **triggering**, posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 17, 2009, at 19:42:31
Posted by antigua3 on May 18, 2009, at 6:52:42
In reply to Re: Giving up **triggering**, posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 17, 2009, at 19:42:31
Thank you. That was very nice and very inspiring.
Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you, hoping you find the help you need, and the strength you need to get through this.
antigua
This is the end of the thread.
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