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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by seldomseen on June 13, 2009, at 9:01:31
But i've been in one of the most pronounced crisis phases - profound depression and anxiety -that I have been in a long time. It was precipitated by work stress, conflict in my family and I think just the cyclic nature of my condition.
Over the years I've learned that when I'm in this place, it is quite lonely - and it's not of my own making. I can be sitting in the midst of people that care and support me, and still feel isolated.
I have a great therapist, who is with me through everything that I experience, but even he can't make it go away. All he can do is an occasional med adjustment and calls to let me know he is there, but I have to live it and survive it. He knows this, and I know this, but we still can go through it together.
The other day in therapy, he showed me a newspaper article about this place where I volunteer. I told him that I would have to pick up a copy of that paper. He told me I could have his copy.
Not an amazing display of support, or any breakthrough medical treatment, but a very clear indication that he was thinking of me and thought of me. It pierced the loneliness just a little bit. A tiny bit of light entered.
To me it's different when my therapist pierces that gray just a little bit because he knows all about me. He's seen me at my best and at my worst and yet he's still with me. There's no platitudes.
It's also comforting to know that he's seen this before, not only in me, but in other patients. He knows what it robs from us. He can carry it.
It's something.
S
Posted by antigua3 on June 13, 2009, at 9:29:57
In reply to I don't really know what I want to say., posted by seldomseen on June 13, 2009, at 9:01:31
I'm sorry you're going through this very lonely place. I feel it too right now after being slammed hard in therapy, bringing new things into my consciousness.
I thought about how lonely I was, that nobody could really help me. I thought even if I called my pdoc, what would he say? But I did it anyway, and he couldn't make it go away for me, but he did tell me what I expected--that this is painful (he doesn't have a clue), we're breaking down barriers, you're making great progress, you just have to get through it, etc., everything I thought he would say.
I asked him to tell me that I would get through this, and he said it back to me many times. Maybe that will sink in.
But the truth is, even with all the help we get, it's still up to us, to take those steps with their help to get better.
But I know how lonely it is. I hope you start feeling better soon.
antigua
Posted by SLS on June 13, 2009, at 12:10:08
In reply to I don't really know what I want to say., posted by seldomseen on June 13, 2009, at 9:01:31
Speaking of not really knowing what to say, that's what I am experiencing at this moment as I search for words that will offer you comfort. I have no cleverly worded pollyanna statements of hope to offer. Well, I imagine I could come up with some if I really tried. The only thing that I would like to point out, however, is that the deeper you allow yourself to slide into the abyss of isolation, the more arduous and fatiguing will be the ascent back towards recovery. You do have some control of this, especially with having the coping tools you have acquired through therapy. One insight for you to take advantage of is that you have experienced something like this before. You know that now is bad time, but that it will pass as have those bad times you have experienced in the past.
Posted by Phillipa on June 13, 2009, at 12:32:35
In reply to Re: I don't really know what I want to say. » seldomseen, posted by SLS on June 13, 2009, at 12:10:08
Seems a lot are having problems now and it's summer I'm thinking possibly the economy also has a lot of people in bad places. Hoping you feel better soon. Phillipa
Posted by seldomseen on June 13, 2009, at 15:26:38
In reply to Re: I don't really know what I want to say. » seldomseen, posted by antigua3 on June 13, 2009, at 9:29:57
I do think our docs have some idea of the pain we experience, but they certainly can't flip a switch and make everything alright.
And yeah coming out of this bad place is a lonely journey, but it does help somewhat to know that it is a road traveled by many.
S
Posted by antigua3 on June 13, 2009, at 15:34:54
In reply to Re: I don't really know what I want to say., posted by seldomseen on June 13, 2009, at 15:26:38
I don't think my pdoc has that understanding. Maybe it's just my own projection, but I don't feel like it's there. I'm glad you think yours does, though.
antigua
Posted by seldomseen on June 13, 2009, at 15:36:16
In reply to Re: I don't really know what I want to say. » seldomseen, posted by SLS on June 13, 2009, at 12:10:08
I'm a big advocate of "fake it until you make it", or as my therapist calls it, accepting that you feel bad right now, absorbing it and living anyway.
There are times however when I do howl at the moon and wish things were different.
It's been a tough pill to swallow, that loneliness, and sometimes part of the pain is that knowing that the very people that love and care for you can not penetrate it.
As you said though, the way I feel is not new to me, and won't last forever. Unfortunately, I have had a lot of practice at carrying this and my back is strong.
It may bend, but it won't break.
Seldom.
Posted by Dinah on June 13, 2009, at 18:00:25
In reply to Re: I don't really know what I want to say., posted by seldomseen on June 13, 2009, at 15:36:16
((( seldomseen )))
It sometimes astonishes me that we work so hard to end up at this point of acceptance.
Did you meet your deadline?
Posted by SLS on June 13, 2009, at 19:57:48
In reply to Re: I don't really know what I want to say., posted by seldomseen on June 13, 2009, at 15:36:16
> the way I feel is not new to me, and won't last forever.
You can know this intellectually, but experientially, there seems like there was no beginning and will be no end to your current state of altered consciousness. There is a sort of timelessness involved with depression. This is what makes it so difficult to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel seems to run infinitely in both directions.
Hang in there.
- Scott
Posted by seldomseen on June 14, 2009, at 11:34:33
In reply to Re: I don't really know what I want to say., posted by Dinah on June 13, 2009, at 18:00:25
I well on my way to meeting that deadline, in fact, by any and all standards in my field, I am way ahead of the curve. SO there is minimal stress at present associated with that. Just final editing today and making sure all everything is consistent.
I feel better today after resting some yesterday.
Thanks for asking.
Seldom.
Posted by seldomseen on June 14, 2009, at 11:45:28
In reply to Re: I don't really know what I want to say. » seldomseen, posted by SLS on June 13, 2009, at 19:57:48
"The tunnel seems to run infinitely in both directions."
It does and it doesn't for me. Although sometimes I do feel very trapped.
I guess it's rather sad to say that the feelings of loneliness and sadness fit to me like an old comfortable shoe. It's a known state, and although it hurts, it is simultaneously very familiar. From this familiarity I can function. It's just harder, and more fatiguing than in times when I feel better - more engaged.
And it's not all bad, this sadness, once the acute anxiety is relieved (that's the killer). I feel things very deeply and am keenly aware of the life around me, the beauty of it and the miracles in the tiniest of things. Music has life.
In any case. I'm alright, and will be even more alright is due course.
Seldom.
Posted by backseatdriver on June 15, 2009, at 9:12:10
In reply to Re: I don't really know what I want to say., posted by seldomseen on June 14, 2009, at 11:45:28
> Music has life.
YES!
When I read your very first post in this thread, here is the exact thought that came to mind: He loves you. I still think this is true. You found a good one -- which says a lot of good things about you, too.
BSD
This is the end of the thread.
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