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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by HyperFocus on June 20, 2009, at 1:06:36
It has really torn me up for a long time that I am not able to have a close relationship with my only brother. He was born when things weren't that bad for me and I wasn't very seriously ill as yet. As a baby I actually loved him a lot but he was developing a very different personality from me and I wasn't mature enough to be able to accept him for who he was. Also my social anxiety was getting very bad - and I guess it would seem to him that I was being deliberately cold and neglectful a lot fo the time. A lot of times he would like ask me to play with him out front, you know, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't ride bikes or take him swimming or do anything that boys might do. All the stuff that I would have liked an older brother to do for me I couldn't do for him.
Our biological mother was very unstable and abusive - she loved us but she couldn't help the person she was. As they years went by and things got worse for me I found him and our mother to be very stressful and I guess I overreacted a lot of the time - to the point of being abusive. Between the two of us I guess we made him pretty miserable. I went away to university at the time he went into middle school. So I wasn't even there much for him during this stressful time. I know he wasn't really bullied a lot but I don't really know how he felt about school. He kept getting worse and worse academically. My family stress traditional academic achievementand I know for a fact that they were nagging and negative and condescending when he didn't initially measure up. But he is very brilliant, just in a different way. He has a head for machines and electronics and computers that is amazing - he was taking apart and building stuff at a rate that was unbelievable. Just recently when I moved back home I saw how he had jury-rigged his broken computer so he could post on Facebook and MSN. But I know he's become very discouraged because he never received much encouragement from us. He used to like playing sports and is very athletic (completely opposite from me) but he doesn't do much now except workout.
I realize now that I was a real jerk to him for a long time. One time I lent him my Playsation for a while. But he was a typical careless kid and managed to scratch a lot of the discs (it's only now that I think that this is exactly something I might have done at that age.) So I really raged at him. Talk about kicking somebody when they're down. He's become very disenchanted with academic work - nobody around to encourage him and all his life he's been hearing how he's not as smart as his older brother. He works at a club now for menial pay.Sigh. I sat tonight and wrote this and there was so much unbelievable heaviness in my heart that I went upstairs and I knocked on his door and I tried to say some of the things I wrote here. I also said that he didn't owe me forgiveness for what he had been through, but I was asking him if we could start over. I feel like so many things have been missing from my dysfunctional family - and this is of course a major problem. With a strong family base people are very resilient. But for many different reasons this wasn't our fate. He is very unhappy with our family - and he spends most of his time with his friends.
I just ordered a netbook for him to replace his crappy computer. Clumsy effort at trying to start to make amends. But I feel like I'm getting stronger these past few days. Things that seem impossible to do before seem doable. I like to say that I never hurt people intentionally but that's nor true. I have hurt my brother a great deal. Yeah ok, I am mentally ill, but I have to start taking responsibility for my actions. I feel a huge deal of guilt and remorse and I think it's a good and just thing - a lot of this stuff has been locked inside me for a long time. It's not too late for us though.
Posted by surfergirl on June 20, 2009, at 15:34:02
In reply to My brother, posted by HyperFocus on June 20, 2009, at 1:06:36
Hi HyperFocus,
It really seams like you are making honest & caring effort to repair & establish a relationship with your younger brother. I have 2 teen age boys, with very different personalities & styles that are 6 years apart. They bicker & criticize each other every day. They both are unhappy with each other. I try to maintain peace & civility (thanks Dr. Bob :)) in our home but it is tough. I hope when they are adults they will be friends.I really applaud your efforts. Don't be hard on yourself for the past but do your best to move on in building this relationship. It might take time. I think you are right in some ways about "the strong family base" making people resilient, but some of that comes just from will & desire too, as well as having positive, good friends.
hang in there,
surfergirl
Posted by surfergirl on June 20, 2009, at 15:37:51
In reply to Re: My brother, posted by surfergirl on June 20, 2009, at 15:34:02
I also think your gift of a new netbook sounds awesome as a way of making amends & showing that you care for him. I hope it is well received.
definitely, not too late to make a fresh start :)
surfergirl
Posted by Phillipa on June 20, 2009, at 21:59:43
In reply to Re: My brother, posted by surfergirl on June 20, 2009, at 15:37:51
I have a younger sister six years younger than me and she said she'd not attend my funeral. Just cause I didn't want to talk on the phone when she was drunk at 2am in the morning. How sick is this? Hyperfocus why not let him read what you wrote here? Just a thought Phillipa
Posted by seldomseen on June 21, 2009, at 10:27:41
In reply to My brother, posted by HyperFocus on June 20, 2009, at 1:06:36
I'm coming at this from a different perspective which I think might be of benefit.
My brother was the one that was abusive to me. He is two and half years older than me. Up until the last year and a half, we had not really spoken to each other for 10 years. I viewed him as a just as bad as my parents. It took a long time to process that anger.
However, the fact remains that of all the people on the planet, my brother and I survived a horrible situation and share an unbreakable bond as a result of this shared experience. It is amazing now how we really don't even have to speak of our parents and their continuing behaviour, we both just know.
In my case the realization that my brother was undergoing the same horror that I was opened the door for forgiveness and reconcilliation. He handled it differently than I did and did in real terms make it worse for me, but in the end we were in it together as children. Each of us found our own way to survive.
IMO it's the shared experience that was much stronger than the rift between us. That is the bond that ties us together for the rest of our lives and ultimately opened my heart to him.
If I can open my heart to my brother, then it is likely that your brother will open his heart to you. You both were in a bad place and you shared that together.
It may take time, but being kind and open to his anger will help I'm sure.
Good luck in re-establishing this relationship. For me, it has been very rewarding.
Seldom.
Posted by HyperFocus on June 21, 2009, at 22:40:27
In reply to Re: My brother, posted by surfergirl on June 20, 2009, at 15:34:02
Thanks a lot. I just have to not take it to fast and let him reach out at his own pace. Yeah separate personalities created an initial rift between us, but that's just part of growing up I guess. But I wasn't able to look past my initial displeasure with him - which was a real tragedy because a strong relationship between us would have made us mere resilient against the stresses of growing up in our house. But like you say I just have to move on.
> Hi HyperFocus,
> It really seams like you are making honest & caring effort to repair & establish a relationship with your younger brother. I have 2 teen age boys, with very different personalities & styles that are 6 years apart. They bicker & criticize each other every day. They both are unhappy with each other. I try to maintain peace & civility (thanks Dr. Bob :)) in our home but it is tough. I hope when they are adults they will be friends.
>
> I really applaud your efforts. Don't be hard on yourself for the past but do your best to move on in building this relationship. It might take time. I think you are right in some ways about "the strong family base" making people resilient, but some of that comes just from will & desire too, as well as having positive, good friends.
>
> hang in there,
> surfergirl
Posted by HyperFocus on June 21, 2009, at 22:46:20
In reply to Re: My brother, posted by Phillipa on June 20, 2009, at 21:59:43
> I have a younger sister six years younger than me and she said she'd not attend my funeral. Just cause I didn't want to talk on the phone when she was drunk at 2am in the morning. How sick is this?
~Probably there's more going on than just that, although I guess she may be resentful if she feels that you weren't there for her in a time of need. When last did you speak to her?>Hyperfocus why not let him read what you wrote here? Just a thought Phillipa
~I did try to tell him some of the stuff I wrote here. But I get the impression he may understand more than I realize. It's just his emotional scars are not easy to heal, especially since I've been so emotionally unavailable and unwilling to even apologize.
Posted by HyperFocus on June 21, 2009, at 22:49:43
In reply to Re: My brother » HyperFocus, posted by seldomseen on June 21, 2009, at 10:27:41
Thanks seldom - your insight helps tremendously. I think he is very angry and resentful at me that I did more to exacerbate the abuse than help. I just have to be patient and open and let him move at his own pace towards forgiveness.
This is the end of the thread.
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