![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 28. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by dreamer on May 10, 2001, at 11:10:34
someone with a love for life in hospital who needs organs to live.To save the starving to stop a dying cry
Why should I live,I don't contribute to society,nobody would be suprised if I commmited suicide I have no family I struggle to maintain compassion.
I'm a coward to do it for fear of coming back or entering some other hell.Why continue with carrying this burden I call myself.
Posted by dreamer on May 10, 2001, at 11:45:51
In reply to Today I would die for, posted by dreamer on May 10, 2001, at 11:10:34
regret posting that misery.Halved dose of 75mg effexor 6 days ago and my moods are switching
Posted by mila on May 10, 2001, at 11:59:13
In reply to Today I would die for, posted by dreamer on May 10, 2001, at 11:10:34
=== someone with a love for life in hospital who needs organs to live.
go and give them your heart, your ears, your mouth, your stroking hands, walk for them, pushing their weelchair. Go do it.===To save the starving
give some food to the food shelter. get up, go. send some money to the starving. adopt a dog, a bird, or a snake from the pound. go do it.===to stop a dying cry
go wipe their tears, listen to their fears, share yours, ask them about death, tell them all you have learned about it. go do it.=== Why should I live
why? what's good about living anyway?===I don't contribute to society
so what? what is society anyway? who expects you to contribute? Maybe you can contribute and are doing it in some unexpected, fresh ways. go do it.===nobody would be suprised if I commmited suicide
Hi, my middle name is Nobody. I would.=== I have no family
Have you wanted to? what's good about having a family anyway? go get one for yourself. start from scratch.===I struggle to maintain compassion.
why torturing yourself, squeezing some water from the stone. Leave it to others, to those who drip with compassion. be honest. Compassion is not the best thing to offer. Forget about being good to people. Why should you anyway?=== I'm a coward to do it for fear of coming back or entering some other hell.
This is not covardice, this is being smart! Keep fearing. Think paradise here and now. get up and go for it.===Why continue with carrying this burden I call myself.
really, why? Drop the burden, be your other, lighter self. Call yourself something else and be it. get up. do it.tell me more about yourself, dreamer.
another dreamer.
Posted by dreamer on May 10, 2001, at 14:34:56
In reply to lucidity, posted by mila on May 10, 2001, at 11:59:13
Hello there,wasn't expecting any posts just needed to bang the keyboard and moan into the ether.
I'm just a fearful 34year old child at the moment,maybe it's the reduction of effexor but finding life's obstacles too high to jump.Life's hit me in my weak spot,insecurity.
When I wrote I have no family I mean't parents to turn to.Iv'e been homeless before and I am comfortably settled now but my flatmate has lost his job and has no cash to pay the morgage.I love my room,outside is Eden always has a orchestra of birds and so quiet which is rare in London.Also I have room to paint.
I find difficulty relating to the real world especially people,getting advice,help etc.I'm in my own reality bubble able almost to control my mood disorder a contented outsider painting my inner landscape but when my bubble is burst by intrusions I panic or if I have to go outside I fall apart get irritated come home and have to work on getting well again and the prospect of looking for somewhere else to live especially on disability benefit and with a cat who loves romping in the grass makes me want to give up.
I don't know how normal it is to spend 95% of time daydreaming and alone but that's the way it's always been for me,except my alcohol days.
Relationships? Just made mistake having sex with old girlfriend,my bits rule my brain when hyper [I,m female]seems horrible that I just need company when highly sexed.
Though I suppose I do get lonely why would I be a regular here? Maybe because I don't have to pretend that everythings fine and dandy and don't get the inevitable "Cheer up" or confused looks.dreamer
Posted by mila on May 10, 2001, at 16:18:14
In reply to Re: lucidity » mila, posted by dreamer on May 10, 2001, at 14:34:56
hi,
i didn't expect myself to answer your post either. I am surprized i did, and i apologize...dear, it was exceedingly painful for me to read in your post my description of myself at 34. (I am 38? 24? 18? naw...:)It is as if you ripped off a page from my unwritten diary and posted in on the web for all to hear. Gosh, what an awful flashback...
accidentally, I just made mistake having sex with my old girlfriend, my husband, too :D
what's up with effexor? why quitting?
mila
Posted by dreamer on May 10, 2001, at 20:50:20
In reply to been there, done that, posted by mila on May 10, 2001, at 16:18:14
>
> what's up with effexor? why quitting?
>
> milaNot quitting just tired of being tired.Every 2 or 3 months the side effect somnolence increases.It's pleasantly sedating sometimes almost bliss but can't get any painting done i fiddle on one area for hours+hours+days+days++++ so reducing for a week or for as long as I can tolerate the demons of doom reduces it.Also the transition can be euphoric.
Being a dreamer the dreams of sleep are as real as reality I can recall with great clarity a dream from last week more so than yesterdays waking state maybe thats one reason why life can be so uninviting.In sleep the impossible is possible and doesnt require money or effort,be good if I could control them.Well yet again survived suicide city to walk a street with no road signs.
Apology accepted thanks for being there,
dreamer
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 13, 2001, at 16:28:40
In reply to Today I would die for, posted by dreamer on May 10, 2001, at 11:10:34
Its taken me a few days to work up the courage to post this.
i watched a program on TV last wednesday where a lady, about my age, went to her dead grandmothers hosue and found a large bottle of strong morphine pills and comitted suicide by taking them. I had such a strong feeling of jealousy it really shocked me... I was jealous that that kind of opportunity never comes my way.
Strange feelings...
nikki
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 13, 2001, at 16:34:31
In reply to Re: been there, done that » mila, posted by dreamer on May 10, 2001, at 20:50:20
Hey dreamer.
I had also given up on how awful the effexor was making me feel (300mg). So, as I wanted to come off it I started cutting down very slowly. I'm now down to about 120mg (I take 75mg am, and 75mg every other evening) and I feel GREAT!!!! I ahve also added low dose psychotic (1 mg am, and up to 3 more when needed... take only 1 or two extra as a rule). I feel SO much better for the dose cut it unbeliebale. I am not totally un-suicidal, but I am more lucid about it all, and it seems ot help prevent those big big black holes.
As you MUST come off it slowly, try this. I cut don to 150mg am and 75mg pm for 2 weeks before cutting to 75mg am, and 75mg pm and had no side affects or withdrawal. I am now taking the pm 75mg only every other day. I may cut down further, but feel very happy at this dose so may just stay here.
Hope you find something to help you
Nikki xxx
> >
> > what's up with effexor? why quitting?
> >
> > mila
>
> Not quitting just tired of being tired.Every 2 or 3 months the side effect somnolence increases.It's pleasantly sedating sometimes almost bliss but can't get any painting done i fiddle on one area for hours+hours+days+days++++ so reducing for a week or for as long as I can tolerate the demons of doom reduces it.Also the transition can be euphoric.
> Being a dreamer the dreams of sleep are as real as reality I can recall with great clarity a dream from last week more so than yesterdays waking state maybe thats one reason why life can be so uninviting.In sleep the impossible is possible and doesnt require money or effort,be good if I could control them.
>
> Well yet again survived suicide city to walk a street with no road signs.
>
> Apology accepted thanks for being there,
> dreamer
Posted by sar on May 13, 2001, at 18:30:32
In reply to Re: Today I would die for, posted by NikkiT2 on May 13, 2001, at 16:28:40
almost a week ago a tornado was very close to my place of work & as all of my co-workers ran around like chickens w/ their heads cut off calling their loved ones etc, a strange content calm came over me, the sky was an eerie color w/ lightning & hail quite beautiful...I kept thinking that it might save me alot of work if the store were hit by the tornado, it would be a natural easy way to die.
hang in there for awhile with me, okay nikki?
sar
Posted by Michele on May 13, 2001, at 18:59:35
In reply to Re: Today I would die for, posted by NikkiT2 on May 13, 2001, at 16:28:40
Nikki,
Hi again. I think some of the way I'm feeling today stems from the other post board. I can't believe I am getting so attacked because I don't believe opiates should be taken for depression?I've been posting on here a lot longer than some of these people.... and things used to be so much nicer on here. I used to come for comfort and solace.... like being around my "family"... now I'm even afraid to read a post directed at me!!!!
How stupid is this that it bothers me so much?
Anyway, thought I'd share seeing as how you also visit that board and know what I am talking about.
Take care.... hope your enjoying your sunday! Michele
Posted by Michele on May 13, 2001, at 19:06:11
In reply to Re: Today I would die for, posted by NikkiT2 on May 13, 2001, at 16:28:40
Wow.... I posted something and it didn't show up. So the post you read first probably confuses you somewhat. Lol
Strange feelings.........
Do they not hit just out of the blue too? I mean, I can be cruizing right along,all happy and contant.... and then BAM... I'm thinking of these ways that I can do it... but not make it look like a suicide.... so I wouldn't leave my family with the hurt and embarassement. I don't know where these thoughts come from. I don't consider myself suicidal.. I wouldn't act on it.... but if nature came by and wanted to scoop me up...hey, I'm not gonna cheat death? :-)
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 14, 2001, at 7:40:55
In reply to Re: Today I would die for-nikki, posted by Michele on May 13, 2001, at 18:59:35
I know... I have been around a fair while., but have been backing off form posting much due tot he feeling round here...
I've left my email addy.. drop me a line... :o) I may be able to re-instate that family feeling!!
Nikki x
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 14, 2001, at 7:42:24
In reply to Re: Today I would die for, posted by sar on May 13, 2001, at 18:30:32
I'm hanging in there - just...
Aren't the thoughts wierd... wouldn't a natural death be so nice... take all this awful awful decisions away form us...
*shrugs* Will I feel like this forever, and spoend my whole life thinking of reasons to stay alive just 10 more minutes, then 10 minutes more....
nikki xxxx
Posted by Michele on May 14, 2001, at 15:20:54
In reply to Re: Today I would die for-nikki » Michele, posted by NikkiT2 on May 14, 2001, at 7:40:55
> I know... I have been around a fair while., but have been backing off form posting much due tot he feeling round here...
>
> I've left my email addy.. drop me a line... :o) I may be able to re-instate that family feeling!!
>
> Nikki x
Thanks Nikki..... I would really like to talk... but I don't see your e-mail address? Course, due to insomnia... I'm half blind right now so it may be there. :-) Thanks again for the caring attitude.
Posted by Michele on May 14, 2001, at 15:22:40
In reply to Re: Today I would die for » sar, posted by NikkiT2 on May 14, 2001, at 7:42:24
I too wish these feelings would leave. I feel so proud of myself when I make it thru another day.. but get so scared what the next will bring me.
> I'm hanging in there - just...
>
> Aren't the thoughts wierd... wouldn't a natural death be so nice... take all this awful awful decisions away form us...
>
> *shrugs* Will I feel like this forever, and spoend my whole life thinking of reasons to stay alive just 10 more minutes, then 10 minutes more....
>
> nikki xxxx
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 14, 2001, at 15:54:38
In reply to Re: Today I would die for » NikkiT2, posted by Michele on May 14, 2001, at 15:22:40
Michelle,
it's mad@tysoe.com
nikki x
> I too wish these feelings would leave. I feel so proud of myself when I make it thru another day.. but get so scared what the next will bring me.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > I'm hanging in there - just...
> >
> > Aren't the thoughts wierd... wouldn't a natural death be so nice... take all this awful awful decisions away form us...
> >
> > *shrugs* Will I feel like this forever, and spoend my whole life thinking of reasons to stay alive just 10 more minutes, then 10 minutes more....
> >
> > nikki xxxx
Posted by dreamer on May 14, 2001, at 20:57:39
In reply to Re: been there, done that - re effexor » dreamer, posted by NikkiT2 on May 13, 2001, at 16:34:31
Hi Nikki,
Good to hear your'e feeling better.This is day eleven on 37mg effexor strange thing is Iv'e had no discontinuation symptoms,previos dose reductions have been hell.
I felt xtremely well for 3 days,more than well or is this how normal balanced people feel.Now level still can't laugh or cry but not tired I missed insomnia.Never made it to 2 weeks and already having slight cravings for the booze short attention ,wake up at the slightest sound and my libido,well,it's good weather for cold showers.
Read you got diagnosed with personality disorder,I've been told I have one with mood disorder but which one I have'nt a clue was too ill at the time to take in what was being said.
I did all the personality tests on some mental health site and resulted in having 4 and 2 possible I'm either one crazy nutter or the tests were crap, cheered me up at the absurdity of having so many disorders.All the best and more,
dreamer
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 15, 2001, at 6:59:10
In reply to Re: been there, done that - re effexor » NikkiT2, posted by dreamer on May 14, 2001, at 20:57:39
That sounhds great!!! I'm heavily pushing the "Effexor CAN be great if you're gentle with it" and people do seem to be listening and we do seem to be hearing much more positive stuff about it!!!
I cried today!!!! Woo hoo!! I know it sounds silly but I ahven't been able to cry in so long... only lasted about a minute before shutting itself off again.. but I guess its a step forward again!!!
Been trashed by UK's crap healthcare yet again though so feeling fed up and low again today. (And when I said this to my boss, he said everyone feels low.. we need a new level of definition here... our lows are not a normal low!!!)
Nikki xxx
> Hi Nikki,
> Good to hear your'e feeling better.This is day eleven on 37mg effexor strange thing is Iv'e had no discontinuation symptoms,previos dose reductions have been hell.
> I felt xtremely well for 3 days,more than well or is this how normal balanced people feel.Now level still can't laugh or cry but not tired I missed insomnia.Never made it to 2 weeks and already having slight cravings for the booze short attention ,wake up at the slightest sound and my libido,well,it's good weather for cold showers.
> Read you got diagnosed with personality disorder,I've been told I have one with mood disorder but which one I have'nt a clue was too ill at the time to take in what was being said.
> I did all the personality tests on some mental health site and resulted in having 4 and 2 possible I'm either one crazy nutter or the tests were crap, cheered me up at the absurdity of having so many disorders.
>
> All the best and more,
>
> dreamer
Posted by dreamer on May 15, 2001, at 16:51:12
In reply to Re: been there, done that - re effexor » dreamer, posted by NikkiT2 on May 15, 2001, at 6:59:10
>
> I cried today!!!! Woo hoo!! I know it sounds silly but I ahven't been able to cry in so long... only lasted about a minute before shutting itself off again.. but I guess its a step forward again!!!>I got tearful whilst listening to music today ,tears of joy lets hope we catch the giggles.
> Been trashed by UK's crap healthcare yet again though so feeling fed up and low again today. (And when I said this to my boss, he said everyone feels low.. we need a new level of definition here... our lows are not a normal low!!!)
You can't get through to these people .I once asked my very level-headed flatmate if he had to chose between being paralysed or severely depressed .Pondering for a moment he chose being paralysed, he's around 24 hrs and witnessed the bad times also the good.
Im bitter about NHS, was promised cognitive therapy 3 years ago, money talks.It's only effexor that has got me somewhere brighter
>Last night dreamt that IKEA had its own pharmacy.They were selling effexor in 9mg tablets as an alternative to alcohol, I picked up two small packets of white powder labelled S-ame they cost £8.99 each ,rip-off.chin-up
dreamer
Posted by sar on May 16, 2001, at 21:55:22
In reply to Re: Today I would die for » sar, posted by NikkiT2 on May 14, 2001, at 7:42:24
Nikki,
the thoughts have become a daily reality to me, I think them all day at work...I had a lot of ideation/decision while tripping on acid a few months ago and wonder if those suicidal thoughts are permanently etched into my brain because of it. Last night I dreamt that bob dylan (king of blues) was captain of a large ship I was on at night in the middle of the ocean...he suddenly decided that we'd have to make an emergency mission, change our route--everyone on the ship shouted no, that it was dangerous, but he did it anyway, and I wondered if I'd drown at sea...feeling relief.
I wonder if acceptance of all of this is perfectly natural. I work at a bookstore and it breaks my heart the dozen times a day people buy a book called "finding the joy within" or some such with some ridiculous lipstick smiley-face on the cover--especially when the purchaser is 75 yrs old. Anyway, I'm not-at-all saying that I like this about myself but rather that I accept it, I'm not sure what to do with it, but it is there...and I have a feeling that it's somwhat more common than I'd previously thought...I don't know, I'm all mixed-up on the subject!
It is difficult.
my best,
sar
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 17, 2001, at 13:11:41
In reply to Re: been there, done that - re effexor » NikkiT2, posted by dreamer on May 15, 2001, at 16:51:12
You're in UK too??? My psychologist mentioned CBT to me on tuesdayu, and said he would get info for me, but he leaves tomorrow so who knows what will happen..
feel SO fed up with it all... did go and see MIND today.. they said they might be able to find me some help.. ahve you ever spoken to them??
Hanging in there, hope you are too..
nikki xx > >
> > I cried today!!!! Woo hoo!! I know it sounds silly but I ahven't been able to cry in so long... only lasted about a minute before shutting itself off again.. but I guess its a step forward again!!!
>
> >I got tearful whilst listening to music today ,tears of joy lets hope we catch the giggles.
>
> > Been trashed by UK's crap healthcare yet again though so feeling fed up and low again today. (And when I said this to my boss, he said everyone feels low.. we need a new level of definition here... our lows are not a normal low!!!)
>
> You can't get through to these people .I once asked my very level-headed flatmate if he had to chose between being paralysed or severely depressed .Pondering for a moment he chose being paralysed, he's around 24 hrs and witnessed the bad times also the good.
> Im bitter about NHS, was promised cognitive therapy 3 years ago, money talks.It's only effexor that has got me somewhere brighter
> >Last night dreamt that IKEA had its own pharmacy.They were selling effexor in 9mg tablets as an alternative to alcohol, I picked up two small packets of white powder labelled S-ame they cost £8.99 each ,rip-off.
>
> chin-up
>
> dreamer
Posted by dreamer on May 19, 2001, at 13:35:24
In reply to Re: been there, done that - re effexor » dreamer, posted by NikkiT2 on May 17, 2001, at 13:11:41
> You're in UK too??? My psychologist mentioned CBT to me on tuesdayu, and said he would get info for me, but he leaves tomorrow so who knows what will happen..
>
> feel SO fed up with it all... did go and see MIND today.. they said they might be able to find me some help.. ahve you ever spoken to them??
>
> Hanging in there, hope you are too..
>
>
> HI nikki,
Starting usual dose of effexor tomorrow had no withdrawals but after two weeks I'm feeling more ill .
I'm in SE London my treatment of CBT was refused because I live in wrong street!?No help for my area but I do keep a local crisis line number just in case times get rough .
Keep pushing for CBT make a fuss don't give up, hear it has high success rate.I have my own reasons why I don't demand help.My brain isn't in gear at the moment actually looking forward to effexor.All the best
dreamer
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 22, 2001, at 8:30:12
In reply to : CBT » NikkiT2, posted by dreamer on May 19, 2001, at 13:35:24
I'm in West London dreamer, and the Psychologist said I should be able to get CBT around here... Do you work?? He said you can also try the area you work in too you see... i work in the city, and he said he would look in that area (EC1) too if the west didn't have anything.
Good luck
Nikki xx
> > You're in UK too??? My psychologist mentioned CBT to me on tuesdayu, and said he would get info for me, but he leaves tomorrow so who knows what will happen..
> >
> > feel SO fed up with it all... did go and see MIND today.. they said they might be able to find me some help.. ahve you ever spoken to them??
> >
> > Hanging in there, hope you are too..
> >
> >
> > HI nikki,
> Starting usual dose of effexor tomorrow had no withdrawals but after two weeks I'm feeling more ill .
> I'm in SE London my treatment of CBT was refused because I live in wrong street!?No help for my area but I do keep a local crisis line number just in case times get rough .
> Keep pushing for CBT make a fuss don't give up, hear it has high success rate.I have my own reasons why I don't demand help.My brain isn't in gear at the moment actually looking forward to effexor.
>
> All the best
>
> dreamer
Posted by dreamer on May 24, 2001, at 13:45:17
In reply to Re: : CBT » dreamer, posted by NikkiT2 on May 22, 2001, at 8:30:12
> I'm in West London dreamer, and the Psychologist said I should be able to get CBT around here... Do you work?? He said you can also try the area you work in too you see... i work in the city, and he said he would look in that area (EC1) too if the west didn't have anything.
>
> Good luck
>
> Nikki xx
>
Hi Nikki,
No I'm not working at the moment but I'm being creative, suffering for my art, a real stereotype. I've lost all hope with the NHS{No Hope Service]
One day I'll just get so fed up and see GP for another consultation and be MORE assertive .
Don't think the reboxetine I'm taking helps so maybe I'll suggest increasing effexor with mood stabiliser . I get too high it's kind of sedated high but the depths beyond the lows are getting fierce.I'm scared of not getting my highs but I'm thinking is the depression worth it.Hope you get CBT,all the best,
dreamer
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 26, 2001, at 18:18:31
In reply to Re: : CBT » NikkiT2, posted by dreamer on May 24, 2001, at 13:45:17
If you're not working and in London I can give you some numbers and details where you can get help off the NHS... Actually, they should work country wide... drop me an email if you're interested. I found Mind were really really helpful (even though they couldn;t offer me much as I was wokring full time in theory)
Nikki xx
> > I'm in West London dreamer, and the Psychologist said I should be able to get CBT around here... Do you work?? He said you can also try the area you work in too you see... i work in the city, and he said he would look in that area (EC1) too if the west didn't have anything.
> >
> > Good luck
> >
> > Nikki xx
> >
> Hi Nikki,
> No I'm not working at the moment but I'm being creative, suffering for my art, a real stereotype. I've lost all hope with the NHS{No Hope Service]
> One day I'll just get so fed up and see GP for another consultation and be MORE assertive .
> Don't think the reboxetine I'm taking helps so maybe I'll suggest increasing effexor with mood stabiliser . I get too high it's kind of sedated high but the depths beyond the lows are getting fierce.I'm scared of not getting my highs but I'm thinking is the depression worth it.
>
> Hope you get CBT,all the best,
> dreamer
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