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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Chloe on December 7, 2001, at 18:47:25
I feel like I have "used up" my pdoc and therapist and my b/f. I always have the same complaints and worries. And no one, including me can come up with a decent stagedy.
I have been having so much trouble with side effects from meds, that I am barely taking anything anymore. Hence, I am either in a rage, suicidally depressed and desperate, anxious and irritable, or kinda managing. But I am switching ALL the time, one day is never the same as the next.I have had major depression since age 11. But I have acquired many things like BP2, BPD, mood dyregulation. Stuff like that. I am 36 now, and I haven't been hosptalized for over 10 years, but things just can't seem to get on an even keel and I just don't know what to do anymore.
Any med that is remotely helpful gives me intolerable side effects. So I have to go off them. Since the spring I have had trials of Trileptal, Topamax, Lamictal, and the most recent lithium (which was very effective) and I had to come off all off them. These MS cause terrible skin/hair problems for me and I just can't stand it more than a month or two.
My b/f says that who gives a hoot if your scalp hurts, you need the li to stay sane. But I give! My hair hurts so much that is all I think about and then I have no quality of life either. I can't sleep with a painful scalp either! So I just can't swallow the lithium.
The AP's are miracle meds for me, but I can't take them because I already have minor persistant TD. But maybe TD is better than what I am living now.
So it seems the mood stablizers and the AP's are out. And I am in so much pain I can't cope or get through the day without some blow up or catatonic depression. My pdoc just says, use more diazapam! That is like trying to put out a forrest fire with a squirt gun, IMO. And I am not too keen on just popping benzos...But that's another thread.
What the hell am I going to do? I have to work tomorrow at a local retail shop. Lately I have been crying between customers. Then when the door opens, I wildly wipe my face, put on a huge smile and try to communicate, make change and breathe until they leave, and I can cry and panic again...
How can I stop the pain if I have no good meds and I have exhausted my caregivers? I am wondering, how long can I hang on like this? And what are my options???
Thanks for listening
C
Posted by paxvox on December 7, 2001, at 20:18:05
In reply to Desperate-what's left?, posted by Chloe on December 7, 2001, at 18:47:25
My, Chloe, it DOES sound like you are having quite the time! I am not personally familiar with most of your DX, however, I have had my share of imbalances that have responded better to meds at times. However, if I can make this observation: Yes, you are having problems BUT...you are able to communicate them well, you are able to be lucide and logical, and express realistic concerns. These are not the traits of one going around the drain. So, I would try to focus on the positive things in your life. You ARE able to work, many cannot;you ARE able to talk to someone, even if it's just "us" and best of all, you are NOT alone! There is always an answer to be found here at the PSB or PB. I have found many concerned and caring folk that I have been able to share my worries and concerns with. True, it lacks that personal "hands on" touch of a close buddy, but it IS an option. Maybe you need to find a different Pdoc, maybe you need a med "holiday". Maybe you need an entire change of environment. There is an answer for you. Maybe not today. But keep up your hope, finish the race, fight the good fight. You can do it.. Look for little victories that you can build upon. Let us know how you are doing.
PAX
Posted by Chloe on December 8, 2001, at 10:38:49
In reply to Re: Desperate-what's left? » Chloe, posted by paxvox on December 7, 2001, at 20:18:05
PAX,
Thanks for "accentuating the positive"! I tend to think in black or white. There is no grey area. Either, I have to die or all is just so wonderful. Though, I haven't had much wonderful lately! You post truly cheered me, and gave me hope that I can take on another day.
I am off to my four hour/week job! It's a challenge. But, I guess it's like going for my walks. I always feel better after I get out there and get it over with.
It's just so hard not to get trapped in these terrifying states where I feel like there is no hope for me, no medications, and exhausted therapists. Like I felt like I did last night, and the day before... But there is hope. If I could only remember that in those times of unrelenting dispair!
Your post was so appreciated and timely.
C
> My, Chloe, it DOES sound like you are having quite the time! I am not personally familiar with most of your DX, however, I have had my share of imbalances that have responded better to meds at times. However, if I can make this observation: Yes, you are having problems BUT...you are able to communicate them well, you are able to be lucide and logical, and express realistic concerns. These are not the traits of one going around the drain. So, I would try to focus on the positive things in your life. You ARE able to work, many cannot;you ARE able to talk to someone, even if it's just "us" and best of all, you are NOT alone! There is always an answer to be found here at the PSB or PB. I have found many concerned and caring folk that I have been able to share my worries and concerns with. True, it lacks that personal "hands on" touch of a close buddy, but it IS an option. Maybe you need to find a different Pdoc, maybe you need a med "holiday". Maybe you need an entire change of environment. There is an answer for you. Maybe not today. But keep up your hope, finish the race, fight the good fight. You can do it.. Look for little victories that you can build upon. Let us know how you are doing.
>
>
> PAX
Posted by paxvox on December 8, 2001, at 21:23:12
In reply to Re: Desperate-what's left? » paxvox, posted by Chloe on December 8, 2001, at 10:38:49
I'm happy that you feel better. That is one thing that makes ME feel better, and one of the reasons I am glad I am still *here*, and one of the reasons I post on these boards. I see so much pain in the world, and so little compassion. I have been to Mexico, and seen little kids living in cardboard shacks (we build them a cinder-block home). I have seen people in DC sleeping on steam grates. What can I do for them? This is where I see a place for YOU to feel better. Find something in your life that generates a real purpose and meaning for you. It is really not that difficult. Start small, little steps, easy goals, then move ahead. I love how this circle works! You feel better! I feel better! What is there to not love about that!?!
PAX
Posted by ArtChee on December 14, 2001, at 9:18:24
In reply to Desperate-what's left?, posted by Chloe on December 7, 2001, at 18:47:25
Hi, Chloe -- "I share your pain" I have battled chronic depression for over 25 years, as well. Medications only make matters worse; more depressing when you go thru all the #@*&?&%*# side effects. A long list of therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, psychic counselors = NOTHING.
Here is ONE thing that is left: When you inadvertantly place your hand too close to the flame, you feel the pain. Pain is a signal that something is wrong & needs immediate attention. The same is for emotional pain. Depression is your signal that something is wrong, and needs fixin'.
Medication cannot fix it. Maybe cover it up for a while. The depression tells us that we are doing something wrong, and we need to examine it and find a way to correct it.
I'm 62, and all my adult life I have tried to "be responsible" and "do the right thing." I have tried to act in such a way to honor my parents, provide for my wife and daughters, and -- to a great extent -- I did all of that. So why to I feel so worthless?
In my conscentrated efforts to control my life circumstances, I have blocked & supressed my "inner self;" my feelings. When someone would slightly suggest that something I did was "wrong," I would become agitated -- irritated, upset, & even angry; altho I felt expressing anger was "uncivilized" and "juvenile." Those negative feels were the PAIN that my life was too close to the fire; HELL.
Into my Life, from practically nowhere, came a book written by a Gary Zukav, The Seat of the Soul. Mr. Zukav showed me that when I attempt to control my external life circumstances, I block the flow of my natural energies. All of these years I have denied who I really am, attempting to be the person I THOUGHT that I SHOULD be.
The person I THOUGHT I should be succeeded in all aspects EXCEPT making himself happy with his Lincoln Town Car, big screen TV, two homes, etc., etc., etc. It has carried me as far as I want to go. I NOW want to know what's inside. The SEAT OF THE SOUL tells me that I must stop & pay attention to the emotional pain that causes the depression. Depression is not a natural part of me - OR YOU. It is a mistake on my part, and I need to focus in on it and CHALLENGE it. AND, since it has not served me well, diminish it and FORGIVE it.
I haven't come to realize yet exactly how to do that, but A LARGE DOOR HAS OPENED ITSELF TO ME. I see a small but intense LIGHT way down the long hallway that I must find my way down. I no longer wish to contend with these negative energies.
The Christ told us that "The Kingdom of God (Heaven) is within you." (King James Version) ... that "I am the TRUTH, the WAY, and the LIGHT." After 62 years & reading THE SEAT OF THE SOUL, I know understand what Jesus was TRYING to tell me. My work now is to get in touch with MY TRUTH, and learn to greet my World with COMPASSION and LOVE, rather than thru INSECURITIES, SELF-DOUBT, FEAR, and ANGER. I have spent my entire adult life banging my head against a brick wall, but no more.
I would wish for you to find a copy of The Seat of the Soul, & grasp the essence of it as I have. I have maybe 20 or 25 years to seek my Truth; you have maybe 55 or 60!!! GO FIND IT!! Use whatever medication that can give you some mental & spiritual clarity, but only as a means of doing this important work.
May you forever walk in your LIGHT. Do not keep your Light under a basket, let it SHINE as the World may see.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY HANUKKAH, WONDERFUL RAMADAN, and may 2002 awaken you to the SPIRIT that is within.
This is the end of the thread.
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