Psycho-Babble Social Thread 22615

Shown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

((((LiLi80))))

Posted by Alii on April 25, 2002, at 10:21:20

Sweet lili gal,

....the idea of death solving my problems doesn't make sense. As my wonderful therapist pointed out to me once, it's the pain that I want to stop. Not my life ... just the pain.....

(from an 40 something woman's site on bp. not my quote....I wish, as it says it so well.)

--Alii

 

but the pain won't stop (nm)

Posted by LiLi80 on April 25, 2002, at 10:31:55

In reply to ((((LiLi80)))), posted by Alii on April 25, 2002, at 10:21:20

 

I want my ex back

Posted by LiLi80 on April 25, 2002, at 10:44:05

In reply to ((((LiLi80)))), posted by Alii on April 25, 2002, at 10:21:20

I know that my depression wont suddenly disappear if i get him back, but i still love him, and he is the only one i miss out of all of them, but he has only heard what they have to say. Its been almost a year since we broke up, the last time i saw him was in august, i talked to him last week, we were still kinda together til august. I miss him so much, he is why my depression came back and was so debilitating. He is the one for me, I was the one for him, but then he started making excuses, i know he wasnt happy having to see me 2 hours from his life, i think thats why we really broke up, because he wanted to have his life back, and be at his school and with his friends. I don't think he thought i would want him to have that, tho i did, and i never forced him to be with me, but he thought that, even tho he wanted to come see me. I dont know how to get him back. i miss him ,a dn i cant see him , because he lives 2 hours away. i miss him so much, i love him and there is no one else. Havent you ever just known that this is the person you are supposed to be with? I knew it . I pursued him for a year , before we started going out. I always said if you put all the guys i ever dated, had a crush on, celebrities and all in one room and they all wanted me, and i could have any of them, I would always pick him no matter what. That actually kinda happened once. there were 4 guys in one townhouse on campus including him, that i liked and liked me, he went to go to another party, and i followed him and left the others. We were so in love, I know we can be again, but those rumors and the space and his paranoia is keeping us apart, I know he still cares for me. I think he convinced himself that he isnt in love with me, so it wouldnt hurt him so much. He said that he had to get over me, when he broke up with me. Does that make sense? when you dont want to be with someone you shouldnt have to get over them. I miss him and i want him .

 

Re: but the pain won't stop

Posted by Alii on April 25, 2002, at 11:07:16

In reply to but the pain won't stop (nm), posted by LiLi80 on April 25, 2002, at 10:31:55

LiLi80--

I'm sure many wish they could offer up 'proof' that this pain can be stopped but we aren't
sure of how to show you this 'proof'.

In the past seven or eight years I've been seeing active treatment for my major depression I
have had times (days, weeks, months, the painful darkness doesn't keep me advise of it's
schedule so I never know how long OR SHORT it will be) when I am hurting so much that
30 seconds was too long to stand.

I HATED digital clocks because they mocked me as they lit up the night with their minutes
moving like molasses!

I've gone from college aged achieving to older, more self accepting warrior.

I've gone from NO resources---no pdoc, no therapist, lost a dear significant other to my
'craziness' (the depression sweetie), alienated my friends, misunderstood by family, etc.

And with some frickin inner something I have navigated my way this far. I don't know if
you've read any resources on suicide but in my years of fighting that urge/impulse I've
found the strength I need by hearing and reading other's accounts of how they got through.
Road maps if you will.

Let's go one further: each person's account of their pain and suicidal states is different. So
say we have 50 ppl. 50 different 'road maps' of how they got through their darkest, most
hate/rage/pain filled times.

Say I read these 50 'maps'. Just like visiting the 50 states I'm not going to want to drive
every road, every highway, every street. So I have to pick and choose what speaks to me
to stumble my way along this journey.

Not any one person or resource has had just the right answer for me but they have had
pieces. Being a scientific Alii I got voracious in finding all information I could to arm myself
against this insidious foe of depression.

The pain I feel and fear so much has returned from time to time but now I recognize it as an
unwelcome house guest. I'll change the bed sheet for the 'beast' but I'm not going to say
make yourself at home.

I tolerate it (hate it) but only the experience of having taken the chance of LIVING through
the hellish painful periods and having emerged on the other side yet again is what keeps me
fighting this monster that has stolen jobs, friends, family, self worth, etc. from me.

I want those things back dag nabbit!!

And I'm fighting to reach your heart, LiLi, as someone who cares.

Again. (((LiLi80)))

-a

 

Re: I want my ex back

Posted by Alii on April 25, 2002, at 11:29:30

In reply to I want my ex back, posted by LiLi80 on April 25, 2002, at 10:44:05

LiLi80--

In 1994/95 when I lost a partner due to my illness I obsessed about this person for months (as the meds levels were slowly being worked up).

I rationally knew 'getting this person back' would not solve anything but that didn't help stop me from making the tearful phone calls and pleading letters I sent to my ex.

Back then I was certain that this was the only person destined to love me. No one else could. I was sure.

Now? I am happy to have had this partner in my life....sorry it ended as it did....but able to file it in my heart and brain as 'chalk that up to experience'.

I do understand. I moved to another state to be away from my ex otherwise I would have driven myself crazy with obsessive thoughts of why we couldn't be. I had to put 800 miles between us.

I reached the machine for most of my tearful calls. This person did write back....standard response of why they couldn't be with me.

I didn't understand. I hurt and I didn't understand why the world was against me so.

It's only through that 'road map testing' that I can now look back---FONDLY---of the good times that did occur. It tooks years to lift the pain of this former love from my heart but I have an illness and behaved in ways that are confounding and scary to those that do not understand mental illness.

I now know that I do not choose this pain. It has chosen me. Being a fierce Alii I choose to fight this foe.

Sending you strength strong warrior woman.

--Alii----In darkness guarding the light for your arrival. It's here....the offer stands.

another quote from a warrior on this path >>>>I now have an answer to the question that so many people have asked me. "Why?"
Well, from my personal experience, there really is no, "why," at least not one that makes sense.
I felt like I wanted to die ... and it made perfect, logical sense at the time, to my sick brain.
In this instance, some very powerful, and very strange brain chemicals took over and nearly took a life that wasn't ready to end.
I'm so grateful now that my brain settled down enough to think of something rational to hang on to. <<<<



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