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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by InsomniaMom on June 15, 2002, at 23:09:48
I think I posted this to the wrong board a minute ago. Hopefully it's not too out of line here.
I took my mother to the ER over three weeks ago. She was admitted for severe depression. This is not the first time. She's still in the hospital and I am glad. This sounds terrible but I wish she would quit calling me. When I was summoned back the next day to talk to the social worker about her he must have thought I was the meanest b*tch on the face of the earth. I told them before I went I did not want to be responsible in any way for her happiness. I have had it. I blame my depression on her. Her constant whining and manipulation have strangled me my entire life. I will be 47 years old tomorrow and still feel like a guilty child because she is not happy. EVERY day I have to be involved in some aspect of her life. She called tonight to say she could finally cry and her pdoc says she made a breakthrough by doing so and crying about her miserable childhood and miserable life and fear of the future because she has nowhere to go. (I don't think it's such a breakthrough as she's certainly cried to me about it all before). She does have somewhere to go, a nice apartment, but she doesn't like it because she is "dying of lonliness" (read: why won't any of my children take me in and take care of me like I've wanted them to do for the past 25 years since my husband left me?).I've told her before how bad it makes me feel when she says these things...so guilty, but being the oldest child who was most neglected by her growing up WHY is she choosing me to rely on now? I resent it. It's ALWAYS about her. I know depression is a disease. I have it too, but I do not choose to make everyone around me miserable. I got to hear all her pitiful miserable complaints which interupted my dinner time with my family once again tonight and oh, by the way, "happy birthday tomorrow...did I ever tell you my water broke on the way to the hospital and all your father cared about was ruining the car seats?" Yes, thank you MOMMY DEAREST...I've heard it all before!
Now that any of you patient enough to have listened to my rantings have an idea just how much I resent this person who gave me life for her own selfish reasons and has never really loved me: should I tell her psychiatrist she should not talk to me???? I am afraid I will say something which will just send her off the deep end. I am very angry and when she's seeking comfort by saying things like "I always thought my biggest accomplishment in life was that I was a good mother to my four girls, but now I'm not even sure I was a good mother", I FEEL like confirming her fears,but instead give a half hearted "well, you did your best...you had so many to take care of, etc.". I really feel like saying what she used to say to me when I was a scared, insecure little kid and she constantly compared me to my younger sister who was braver and saying..."STOP BEING SUCH A CRYBABY". I don't think she can take the truth, but I don't think I can tell her what she wants to hear. She depends on me for so much physically...taking care of all her affairs while she is in the hospital, etc. that I can't cut off contact, but I feel like there must be some way to stop her from dragging me down in her quagmire even deeper, once again and forever!
Does anyone have any advice? I am trying to be strong. I need to hold it together for my family. I swear I will NEVER do this to my daughter! I'm the one everyone in the whole family calls, e-mails, etc. wanting to know all the details of my "poor" mother's latest catastrophe. I am being suffocated. None of my younger sisters can stand to talk to her and they live farther away and don't help at all.
Even if no one can relate to this, it's good to vent, I guess.
Posted by IsoM on June 16, 2002, at 0:37:09
In reply to Anyone else resent depressed parent?, posted by InsomniaMom on June 15, 2002, at 23:09:48
I wish I had advice to give but I don't. I'm sweet & kind most times but I can be tough when I feel it's necessary so I'm not the sort people will use. My mother is very needy & dependent on me in many ways but I won't let her manipulate me, even unintentionally. If she starts getting too much, I tell her so. I do so in kind language, trying to help her see how she can be suffocating but telling her in a way that will make her think & not just hurt her feelings.
But then your mother sounds very different from mine. My Mom doesn't do it on purpose - she doesn't realise how she comes across & most times I let it slip; only tell her when it's too much for me to take any more.
All I can venture to suggest is to be a little cruel for your sake & that of your family. Perhaps you can discuss it with her doctor in private. If he's going to be treating her, he can't be blind - he'll discover her intentions soon enough. And if he doesn't believe you - too bad for him & your mother. Your mental health & your obligations to your immediate family comes first. After all, this woman also gave life to three others that can do their 'duty' sometimes too. You don't have to be the only one to bear with her.
Posted by oona on June 16, 2002, at 11:16:09
In reply to Anyone else resent depressed parent?, posted by InsomniaMom on June 15, 2002, at 23:09:48
Yes, can relate.
Except we were glad when my mom was just depressed. She would just read and go to church. It was when she went into one of her manic moods that all hell broke loose. She would scramble every thing up in her apartment till you could not find "anything" what a mess. She would hock stuff to get money which she did not need and then give the money away. She would make friends with people that would take advantage of her. She would stop taking her pills and her thyroid would go crazy. This was recently till she ended up walking behind a car in parking lot and getting knocked down so hard ended up in hospital. The social workers in hospital would not let her go back to her living conditions because they were unsafe. None of us kids could take care of her for different reasons, one was our own sanity. So we desolved her accounts (she did not have much but can only have $2000.00 if on medicaid and part went to her funeral preparations and part went to dentist and part went to account my brother has for any emergencys) and she is now in a nursing home on medicaid. They control her meds and for once in her life she is living normally, (physically and mentally) She hated it for the first month but now she likes it and it gives her some security. She does not have to make any life decisions there, just if she wants to go to an activity or to the casino. Anyway, we are REALLY glad that she is there. I did not go into the bad stuff she put all of us through because this would have been an endless posting..Just want to say, "hang in there". Talk to the social workers and doctors at the hospital. Maybe (dont know her age or situation) they can find an alternate living situation for her where she is livig with someone that is not her family or assisted living or ???..) Just make it clear that you have your own issues and your own life. Don't let her control yours. It is part of the game they play
Good luck,
oona
Posted by Gracie2 on June 22, 2002, at 19:58:27
In reply to Re: Anyone else resent depressed parent? » InsomniaMom, posted by oona on June 16, 2002, at 11:16:09
Sorry I am late getting in on this.
First, because my own mother was so manipulative and unhappy no matter what I did for her, I had to let her go. That's how I think of it...I didn't abandon her or turn my back on her, I had to let her go. She was making me so unhappy, so miserable, and even though she wouldn't admit it, I don't think she ever really liked me as a person. In my wildest dreams I cannot imagine treating my own child like she treated me. Finally, after years of her abuse, I got fed up. I stopped taking her calls and I would not see her. The guilt was overwhelming but my life became so much more peaceful that I was able to
finally shut the door on that part of my life.
These days, I call her and send her a present on Christmas and Mother's Day.Other than that, we do not communicate. I see this as being her choice, a decision she forced me into by the way she treated me.Second, I have had severe problems with depression myself. In the last two years I've been hospitalized three times, twice after a drug overdose. My son handled all this as well as he could. He was very supportive during my first hospital stay, less so during the next two. I'm sure he was upset and confused but he had the good sense not to blame himself for my problems,
which was the right thing for him to do. He's not responsible for me any more than we are responsible for our mothers, and we have to let go of the guilt.
-Gracie
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