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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by just so sad on April 5, 2005, at 15:39:25
You guys are my heros. I decided two days ago I was going to join you and quit altogether. My record sits at 1 and 1. So that makes today day 1 again (huh?) - anyway - where is everyone? Why so quiet? I hope you are all having success, as you have inspired me to try...I've been waiting to see what was going on but nobody's talking...
Posted by partlycloudy on April 5, 2005, at 19:07:47
In reply to Lee? Partlycloudy? sjb? Crushed Out?, posted by just so sad on April 5, 2005, at 15:39:25
I had self-imposed a babble-break, but this is worthy of a revision/edit/please rephrase!!
hello!
pc
Posted by just so sad on April 5, 2005, at 19:59:26
In reply to Silence banished!! » just so sad, posted by partlycloudy on April 5, 2005, at 19:07:47
Hey - it's 7:00 pm here and I haven't had a drink!! That means I won't as my witching hours are from 4-6! How's your sobriety going?
Posted by sjb on April 6, 2005, at 11:41:15
In reply to Lee? Partlycloudy? sjb? Crushed Out?, posted by just so sad on April 5, 2005, at 15:39:25
Thanks for asking, still haven't had a drink but am really down in the dumps. Life sucks sober too, for me, anyway and I really just wish I'd get hit by a bus or something. I have no motivation - nothing is fun. Sorry to vent. Hope you are all doing better. I'm convinced some of us are just hopeless, no matter what we do or don't do.
Posted by just so sad on April 6, 2005, at 11:48:31
In reply to Re: Lee? Partlycloudy? sjb? Crushed Out?, posted by sjb on April 6, 2005, at 11:41:15
First of all, you should be very proud of yourself for being sober so long, but I do understand how hard that can be when you're low. Please know you inspire me. Are you on any AD's right now? Do you have anyone to talk to? I felt helpless/hopeless, but am coming out the other side after a few months on Effexor (just increased to 112.50 dose). Please keep us up to date with how you're doing.
Posted by sjb on April 6, 2005, at 14:23:10
In reply to Re: sjb » sjb, posted by just so sad on April 6, 2005, at 11:48:31
I'm currently on 450mg of Wellbutrin XL, 40 mg Prozac and 100 mg of Topomax daily. My husband thinks that since I just went up to the 100mg of Topomax from 75 mg that's that why I might feel so tired. I really don't think so. I've been on it before and he just put me on it again 'cause I started to binge eat a lot again. But that was in large part because I stopped drinking! I don't know. He started talking about all the empty calories in alcohol, well, I ate much less when I drank. I'm starting to think I'd rather have a screwed up liver and fit into my clothes than be like this, eating all the time, lethagic, nothing to numb my feelings with, nothing to escape with. It's been almost 60 days and I'm the most miserable I've been in years, well, at least a year. Believe me, I should be an inspiration to no one. I just take up unnecessary space.
Posted by just so sad on April 6, 2005, at 14:45:21
In reply to Re: sjb, posted by sjb on April 6, 2005, at 14:23:10
I wish there was something I could say to make you believe me - I was just feeling like a drink when your post came up...sixty days is amazing! I am so sorry you feel so crappy right now - maybe it's withdrawal? If not, I would go see you doc right away - it would be such a shame to start drinking again - but I know I've been gaining weight lately (Effexor) and as I sit here, with my boobs sitting on my stomach, I understand the desperation. I used to be the envy of all my friends - slim, slim, slim. Now I'm pudgy and mushy and feel like a slug. BUT at least I am not depressed. I am willing to make the exchange, hoping I can do something about the excess blubber once I recover. PLEASE don't drink - you truly are my inspiration...
Posted by AuntieMel on April 7, 2005, at 10:53:23
In reply to Re: Lee? Partlycloudy? sjb? Crushed Out?, posted by sjb on April 6, 2005, at 11:41:15
Posted by AuntieMel on April 7, 2005, at 10:57:54
In reply to Re: sjb, posted by sjb on April 6, 2005, at 14:23:10
From crazymeds.org:
Topamax's pros and cons:
Cons: If you don't have a temporal lobe dysfunction or problems with other parts of your brain that Topamax hits, or you're at the wrong dosage, it will make you dumber than a box of rocks. The kidney stones aren't much fun.
Posted by AuntieMel on April 7, 2005, at 11:00:24
In reply to Lee? Partlycloudy? sjb? Crushed Out?, posted by just so sad on April 5, 2005, at 15:39:25
My heros are you, pc, lee, sjb, tamara, crushed, me and anyone who makes a serious decision to quit.
Making that decision is so hard.
Posted by justyourlaugh on April 7, 2005, at 14:53:01
In reply to Re:My heros » just so sad, posted by AuntieMel on April 7, 2005, at 11:00:24
are we still heroes when we fail?
yes yes yes..
Posted by just so sad on April 7, 2005, at 20:01:35
In reply to Re:My heros » AuntieMel, posted by justyourlaugh on April 7, 2005, at 14:53:01
Thanks you guys - isn't it funny how we can see the successes/failures of others in one light, while we view our own successes/failures in another? I'm trying to re-arrange my thinking and treat myself as I would ANYONE else...and you're right, even if we try and fail, the trying is the thing to be proud of. FYI - I will be away this w/end - I'll check back next week.
Posted by AuntieMel on April 8, 2005, at 16:33:43
In reply to Re:My heros » AuntieMel, posted by justyourlaugh on April 7, 2005, at 14:53:01
Posted by partlycloudy on April 11, 2005, at 7:35:51
In reply to Re: Silence banished!!, posted by just so sad on April 5, 2005, at 19:59:26
I'm back - had a rough couple of days with meds - had to learn the hard way to split up my Klonopin dose or I wept into my keyboard all day - work challenges (how's that for an expression) combined with too much babble made me a horrid mess for a bit.
So - sobriety. It's my carrot at the end of my stick. Some days it is unnoticed; other days, all I can see is that darn carrot, wagging in front of me. My latest phrase to describe myself is as an Out Of Practise Alcoholic. Trying not to be beat myself up for any slips; trying not to put myself into situations where slips are likely.
I had the nastiest surprise while reading Caroline Knapp's "Drinking - A Love Story". Her drinking behaviour eerily mirrored my own, hiding the majority of her drinking from the rest of the world, fooling no one. It was a fascinating memoir up until I discovered that the young woman is now dead of lung cancer.
Well, unfortunately I took this as a sign that I might as well drink, right? Look what happened to this poor woman - went to rehab, AA meetings every night, smoked like a chimney (every other page in the book she is lighting up). She lost both parents to cancer during the course of the book - and in my head, I make all these connections. Alcohol + smoking + family predisposition to cancer = You are Going to Get Cancer. This is just my head talking, you understand? We have a lot of cancer on both sides of my family. I don't smoke and haven't for years.
Something about knowing the fate of this relatively young author made the experience of reading her memoir about drinking made me want to say, For goodness' sake, have that glass of wine!! You're not going to be around for long, girl!! Totally, totally drunken thinking on my part. It's not like she was any safer a drinker than I am - it's not an activity I can partake in moderation (Ha! There's that four-letter word - in spirit) - but she ended up losing it all anyway. And in retrospect, reading the back cover, the book was released after her death, but there is no mention of it, except to speak of the author in the past tense.
So this little slip of a book was enough to send my thoughts spinning again. Stay sober? For what? For whom? If I can keep it hidden and do it in secrecy, who cares? It was not a healthy line of thinking. I recognized it as such at the time. My family, for one, would not be pleased to have me Dialing While Drunk again. I don't like waking up and wondering who I spoke with, what I said, how many conversations will I have to fake my way through before the penny drops and I remember that I'd had that conversation before... you have to be very clever to keep your tracks covered if you consciously decide to drink. Not that it fools anyone.
So I have been struggling. Not drinking, but struggling with the resolve to stay sober. Meetings, to be honest, are the one single thing almost guaranteed to have me run straight to a liquor store afterwards - I don't find the cameraderie to inspire me to do anything else but drink some more.
What I am doing is taking my supplements, using the found energy to be more active around the house. Working on projects I've been talking about for months but haven't gotten around to.
Sorry for the ramble. it just had to come out. I'm not finding this an easy battle by any means, but I'm not giving up. Waking up sober every day, without a hangover, without worrying about the night before, is a gift. I treasure that gift - I cling to it. It's all I have right now.
pc
Posted by just so sad on April 11, 2005, at 10:44:12
In reply to Re: Silence banished!! (poss. TRIGGER) » just so sad, posted by partlycloudy on April 11, 2005, at 7:35:51
Wow - you articulate yourself very well. I totally understand that some days the "drink/carrot" thought doesn't appear as a two-headed monster, but rather a kitten peaking around the corner, which you can gently put away. Other days, upon WAKING UP, I know the monster is there and is dragging me through the day to that inevitable drink...and I feel powerless so I shrug and pour. But, I had a big experience this weekend - my son, who has just been diagnosed with depression, was drinking alone in his room while gaming with his buddies on-line. It was late (3 am!) and I gave him heck and he got really angry (way out of character for my gentle-man (he's 19 almost) and when I asked if he'd been drinking, he denied it. But he came up to our room after and apologized and admitted he had been and he'd done it before, so he and I made a pact that neither of us would ever drink alone again. I realized how can I say one thing, but practise another?? He sees me drinking alone almost every night. Until now. So yesterday was a brand new DAY 1 and I'm feeling more committed than ever before. There - I matched you ramble for ramble!! Hugs and stay strong.
Posted by justyourlaugh on April 11, 2005, at 10:47:28
In reply to Re: Silence banished!! (poss. TRIGGER) » just so sad, posted by partlycloudy on April 11, 2005, at 7:35:51
can you share your gift?
Posted by partlycloudy on April 11, 2005, at 12:02:13
In reply to Re: Silence banished!! (poss. TRIGGER) » partlycloudy, posted by justyourlaugh on April 11, 2005, at 10:47:28
> can you share your gift?
Imagine waking up to hear birds singing outside - and they don't hurt your ears 'til they feel like they'll bleed.
Imagine looking in the mirror to find your usual bed-head hair, but eyes that are clear and whites that are white.
Imagine brushing your teeth and not gagging.
Imagine that brushing your teeth does not involve removing the little sweaters that drinking the night before puts on them.
Imagine that walking downstairs into the kitchen does not involve any surprises: no empties that weren't there that you don't remember.
Imagine that the thought of eating breakfast does not gross you out or cause your stomach to do a flip-flop.
Imagine that the bottle of aspirin (tylenol, advil, you name it) stays put in the medicine cabinet because you don't have a headache.
Imagine your spouse asking you how you are today, and you answer,
"I feel fine."
pc
Posted by justyourlaugh on April 11, 2005, at 12:06:35
In reply to The gift of waking up sober » justyourlaugh, posted by partlycloudy on April 11, 2005, at 12:02:13
trying to make me cry!
you write beautifully.
Posted by partlycloudy on April 11, 2005, at 12:14:26
In reply to Re: The gift of waking up sober, posted by justyourlaugh on April 11, 2005, at 12:06:35
And thank you for that. My brain seems to be engaged with my typing fingers today. Yet another gift!
Posted by AuntieMel on April 11, 2005, at 12:16:34
In reply to Re: Silence banished!! (poss. TRIGGER) » just so sad, posted by partlycloudy on April 11, 2005, at 7:35:51
"If I can keep it hidden and do it in secrecy, who cares? It was not a healthy line of thinking. I recognized it as such at the time. My family, for one, would not be pleased to have me Dialing While Drunk again. I don't like waking up and wondering who I spoke with, what I said, how many conversations will I have to fake my way through before the penny drops and I remember that I'd had that conversation before... you have to be very clever to keep your tracks covered if you consciously decide to drink. Not that it fools anyone."
Boy did I see myself in that one! I did that a lot when I was traveling. Nothing like getting a few (ok, more than a few) in you to make you want to call home. Or call you sister. Or - get up the courage to call your <insert foul word here> father.
Or telling the people travelling with you how you *might* have been instrumental in getting the last boss fired.
Then keeping quiet for the next day or so waiting for someone to say something that *might* jog your memory so you can laugh and tell them you have a bad habit of making up "stuff" when you're drinking and not to believe a word out of your mouth.
A friend (drinking bud) used to decide when he was snockered that he just *had* to call his mum in England. No one could convince him that it was 3AM over there and a bad idea. It usually took several wrong numbers before he gave up, but at least he never did have to explain it to mum.
Posted by partlycloudy on April 11, 2005, at 12:17:21
In reply to Re: Silence banished!! (poss. TRIGGER) » partlycloudy, posted by just so sad on April 11, 2005, at 10:44:12
How wonderful that you've been able to connect with your son and make a powerful communication like this!
Thanks for the encouragement. Every bit helps, eh?
Posted by just so sad on April 11, 2005, at 12:24:56
In reply to There really are strength in numbers. » just so sad, posted by partlycloudy on April 11, 2005, at 12:17:21
Absolutely. I think today's going to be a good one too. It's a "kitten" day. I'll check in with you all later tonight - gotta get running now.
Posted by crushedout on April 23, 2005, at 16:46:09
In reply to Lee? Partlycloudy? sjb? Crushed Out?, posted by just so sad on April 5, 2005, at 15:39:25
I just got here! I've been so busy these days I haven't been on Babble much. I hardly ever think about the fact that I quit drinking -- when was it? -- I think on March 1st. So, almost two months ago. I guess this is easier for me than it is for some people. But it really makes a difference in my life and I've been feeling pretty good.I'm really glad to hear how well you're doing, jss. And it sounds like pc's doing great also.
Thanks for thinking of me!
This is the end of the thread.
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