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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AMD on June 4, 2004, at 14:47:55
Well, I stopped my Trileptal a few days ago, and last night I was already in the midst of a major mixed episode -- my mind is racing, I'm depressed, I can't concentrate, I am in pure hell.
Is this going to repair itself? Has anyone ever been here, unable to focus, extremely agitated, feeling stupid and unable to read, no motivation to the go the gym... I want to die.
So I started the Trileptal this morning, 600 mg again, and I am hoping a lower dose will lift my depression, stop my mania, and not cause me to lose my memory.
(Yesterday, for example, three days off the medicine, I couldn't remember by old address! Scary!)
1. Does Trileptal memory loss get progressively worse? Does this side effect fade? Is it reversible, or are these memories gone for good?
2. Are there any success stories out there of highly motivated, successful people overcoming a bipolar diagnosis and living intellectual, academic style lives? I swear, I feel like my /capacity/ to learn has been washed away. It makes me so sad, that my life is gone, my hopes and wishes gone, the pure joy of learning and being able to read and understand gone. Will I ever get this back?
I need to hear some good things ... I am so lost.
amd
Posted by linkadge on June 4, 2004, at 19:05:12
In reply to i am lost and afraid, posted by AMD on June 4, 2004, at 14:47:55
There is hope. Have you seen the movie 'A beautiful mind" ?? John Nash has been in the midst of the worst psychosis imaginable. But he got better and went on to complete some of his mose reputable mathematical discoveries.
Get better, of all the organs in the body, the brain has the most placticity. When you get the right medication for you and get better, you will return the person you once were, sure it will take a little time but you will get better.
Good Luck
Linkadge
Posted by Caper on June 4, 2004, at 21:34:55
In reply to i am lost and afraid, posted by AMD on June 4, 2004, at 14:47:55
Hi,
Regarding whether bipolars can lead productive, academic lives, a suggestion I have is that you read Kay Redfield Jamison's "An Unquiet Mind". She is a psychologist at Johns Hopkins and is Bipolar I. Her book is, I think, a very honest account of what it's like to be bipolar but still achieve your goals.
She also has another book (the name is slipping my mind at the moment, but checking amazon.com could find it for you fast I'm sure) about the correlation between artistic creativity and Bipolar disorder- it's astounding how many famous artists, writers, etc. struggled with this illness but still managed to produce classic works of art.
Hope this helps a little. Good luck to you.
Caper
Posted by AMD on June 5, 2004, at 16:23:43
In reply to Re: i am lost and afraid, posted by linkadge on June 4, 2004, at 19:05:12
Thanks, I really need to hear this kind of stuff, especially when I find myself forgetting my old address and feeling slow and unable to acquire new knowledge.
I ended up going back on Trileptal at 300 mg, and 25 mg of Lamictal, and my mood has lifted (and along with that, some of my cognitive abilities have returned), but I still feel like I've done some permanent damage of some sort. I hope that is not the case... that is so scary.
I have incredibly high expectations of myself ... and if I'm not instantly remembering, super-sharp about things, I think I'm a major failure. I just want my mind back.
I am hoping a very little dose of the Trileptal, and the Lamictal, will help me stablize. Actually, the 25 mg of Lamictal had given me some relief from my depression, but I cycled greatly. Perhaps a small dose of Trileptal -- as opposed to the 1200 mg I was up to -- will be enough to stablize my mood.
Now I find my blood pressure is up ... is this related to Trileptal, or perhaps the fact that in the midst of depression I've been hitting the gym only once or twice a week, as opposed to daily...
Again, thanks,
a
Posted by AMD on June 5, 2004, at 16:27:22
In reply to book suggestions, posted by Caper on June 4, 2004, at 21:34:55
I found Jamison's book an intriguing, if sobering, read. I certainly have never been to her level of psychosis, although at times I feel like I'm only a step away from full-blown manic depression. Unfortunately, lithium has never worked for me ... in some way, although it slows me down, I wonder if it actually makes one more intelligent in the sense of being able to better focus, even if one feels slowed down. Perhaps I should try it again.
With regard to creative bipolars, my skeptical mind immediately jumps to the fact that most of these folks were never on mood stablizers. Would they have been as creative on these as not? Also, it's not creatively I'm worried about so much as clear thinking: I want to THINK CLEARLY. Is this something bipolars can ever expect to do? I've been October or November since I last, really, thought I was thinking lucidly.
Thanks,
a
Posted by linkadge on June 5, 2004, at 17:03:15
In reply to Re: i am lost and afraid » linkadge, posted by AMD on June 5, 2004, at 16:23:43
I am exactly the same way. If I cannot perform at a preset standard, I think I am a failure, insetead of accepting the second highest step.
I found that a little zyprexa helped with that kind of all or nothing thinking.
Mood stabalizers are for the most part neuroprotective. Most studies show that proper treatment can help attenuate some of the ravages of the illness. Things will get better, it may take some adjustments in meds but they always do get better.
Linkadge
Posted by linkadge on June 5, 2004, at 17:08:01
In reply to Re: book suggestions » Caper, posted by AMD on June 5, 2004, at 16:27:22
Thats some of the problem. Bipolar disorder is kind of like someone who's tried crack. For them, everday life just seems like something is missing.
Sure, the Handel's and the Beethoveen's all seem great to us, but what about the quality of their lives. Being sucessful, rich, famous, envied, etc etc is no match to feeling normal. And for every manic high, there was an equal but oppisite devastating low.
Mood stabalizers make you even-steven, it is difficult at times to raise that bar a notch, and yet not go off the deep end.
Linkadge
Posted by AMD on June 5, 2004, at 17:19:51
In reply to Re: book suggestions, posted by linkadge on June 5, 2004, at 17:08:01
I guess that is true, the lows can be worse than the highs -- I just never was depressed or more "high" than normal my entire life. I think after I started Celexa I started to feel reallllly good, like life was opening up for me. Perhaps that was hypomania, or perhaps it was the fact that prior to that my self-esteem had been low, I'd had an eating disorder, I was unhealthy, staying up all night, etc., and Celexa helped me get to a normal state. I stayed that way -- highly energized, motivated, ambitious, happy -- for three to four years. Then I began drinking and everything started to crash. However, in hindsight, I look back at those days as the "gold standard" and although I eventually started to get high and hypomanic, I do remember times when I wasn't so euphoric that were still much better than now. For example, I've never felt so braindead, insecure about myself, unable to organize thoughts and complete tasks. So I feel worse off in so many ways...
Then again, I am a textbook case. First had a major depression, Celexa helped me get past that. Four years later I had pushed into hypomania, and drinking spells would drive me into depression. Now I'm fighting symptoms of both, and I haven't felt happy, capable of even leaving town, in months. So I'm frustrated that the medicines are keeping me this way, as opposed to helping me. But I will have faith.
As to AP's, I can take those. I have had very bad experiences. I took a 2.5 mg dose of Zyprexa almost two months ago, and it kicked me into a depression that has not subsided. It also gave me dry mouth and stupor for two full weeks! From ONE dose!
a
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