Posted by jupiter on June 19, 2000, at 22:59:01
Hi everyone: I have been on meds for a while now and have been feeling really good. Not cured but really positive. Until tonight. I crawled into bed with my husband and he snuggled up to me and started kissing me and I turned away and started to cry. I had a leaden pack of guilt on my heart. All he wants to do is love me but I keep turning away. I feel pressure to live up to all the expectations of "the wife" cooking, cleaning, taking care of the house and, of course, sex. He doesn't understand it when I turn away from him, neither do I for that matter. It just feels like too much pressure and if I say no, he's so nice about it that I can't stand the guilt. The meds were working so well but right now, at midnight, I feel alone, depressed and like garbage. I want to find a big rock and climb under it and never come out. I just needed someone to talk to and I couldn't talk to my husband. I don't know how to explain it. It's like, the more he loves me, the more I push him away. The nicer he treats me, the less I feel I deserve it. I just feel so bad at this moment, so low and worthless. I wonder why anyone wants to be around me let alone love me when I don't even love myself. God I hate feeling like this. I hate hurting him this way when he's such a good hearted person. I don't want to die, I just want to disappear. Run away.
poster:jupiter
thread:37856
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000619/msgs/37856.html