Posted by Anna Laura on August 3, 2001, at 1:12:10
In reply to Re: I'm so sick of living like this, posted by Else on August 2, 2001, at 23:51:27
> > > It's simple really. On antidepressants or anticonvulsants I don't fully realize how badly my life sucks. So I just deal with it in a relatively effective, albeit deeply bored way. When I am off, the horror strikes me. Right now I am on Wellbutrin but it's not a normal AD. Anyway. I don't want to numb myself to make my horrible life seem OK. So now what? When I am off, like right now, everything seems so hopeless. I don't want to be a zombie but I don't want to kill myself either. I don't know what to do. I just want to be myself and feel both alive and happy at the same time. Is this even possible? I'm so depressed. I feel like I did last year before I tried to kill myself. But things are OK. I get along great with my co-workers. I think I could even be friends with them and it is so hard for me to make friends but I can't do it. I'm too scared to be intrusive or something like that. It's all so f****d-up. Why do I bother? I just want to be happy but it's so hard.
> >
> > "Right now I am on Wellbutrin but it's not a normal AD"
>
> What is a normal AD?
>
> A normal AD is one that kills any drive you might have like SSRIs or TCAs. ADs that make you not care in any way. Wellbutrin is not like that in my opinion. It doesn't generate apathy.
>
> > If you list what you've tried, I'm sure that you'll get many suggestions, a few of which might actually help.
>
> WHAT I HAVE TRIED:
>
> Prozac
> Xanax
> Zoloft
> Klonopin
> Effexor
> Desyrel
> Wellbutrin
> Parnate
> Valium
> Lectopam
> Serax
> Depakote
> Neurontin
> Ativan
> Elavil
> Cocaine
> Methamphetamine
> Alcohol
> Ecstasy
>
> I mention illegal drugs because I consider this self medicating. I would say Zoloft, Effexor, Depakote and Neurontin were pretty useless. Benzos have helped but not solved the problem in any way.Parnate was great but of course my doc says I can't have it. Elavil is a bit different, I used it in a suicide attempt and felt great afterwards (perhaps hypomanic, I don't know). I don't know what its *normal* effect is. Cocaine worked short-lived miracles (and the price to pay was very high). Speed was OK. Ecstasy did nothing. I get panic attacks on pot. I hate marijuana.
> > This isn't the time to quite. Lots of advances are on their way. Do one day at a time.
> >
> > jojo
>
> I don't want to quit but I feel like I've lost all my youth to this... mess. I'm 26 now. My teenage years were disastrous. I don't want to go on another 25 years like this. I am not afraid of death at all but I don't wan't it to come to that. Anyway right now I am taking Wellbutrin 150mg bid, Neurontin 300mg tid and Klonopin 0.5mg qid. I just wish I didn't have to depend on a doctor who depends on government laws which depend on religion or I don't know what. I am screwed anyway. Society says hapiness is a matter of willpower, remember? I'm trying as hard as I can.
Else, why don't you get another pdoc who's willing to prescribe Parnate ? You said it worked, right? If i knew that something worked for me, i'd do anything do get it. Go for it!Wishing you well
Anna Laura
poster:Anna Laura
thread:73202
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010731/msgs/73256.html