Posted by Squiggles on September 9, 2001, at 19:20:49
In reply to PLEASE, SOMONE HELP ME, I'M FALLING TO PIECES., posted by zarathustra on September 8, 2001, at 21:07:47
> My name is Andrew, I've posted many times before.
> My doctor tells me I suffer from depression, and that I rationalize to myself by making the world out to be the disgusting, animalistic, evil place that it is.
> I've tried many med, I'm currently on Paxil 50mgs and Chlorodiazepoxide 20mgs T.I.D.: Its not working, I think I'm going psychotic. My mood will swing from the depths of hell to the heights of heaven, daily. I cant remember ANYTHING (I have real difficulty recalling yesterday). I'm getting so angry at everyone and everything, not my normal anger, but this absolute hatred of everything. I'm bored, I do nothing but drive around toronto for hours on end because nothing at all gives me any pleasure. I thrive on others misfortunes. And I am the most sarcastic individual you will ever meet. My friends however, see the opposite: they see a wonderfull sensitive caring person who thinks to much, Why is my perception of myself so distorted?
>
> Another new problem that has arrisen is money. For example, I have wanted this camera for years the Nikon f100, last week I spent 2500$ on it, only to return it for a refund today!?! My previous interest in photography is gone (interest in everything for that matter). I did the same with a new computer a few months ago, I got all excited, spent about two grand for it and got rogers@home internet. What did I do?
> I turned around and sold it in the paper!
> I feel like I am going insane. I have no hope I keep falling and falling and falling. I been to those useless institutions called hospitals, who get a textbook regurgitating crisis worker to tell you it will get better.
>
> I am going to kill myself soon. and it dosen't even upset me. Its like I have accepted this is the way life is. I'm so screwed up I don't even quite no how I feel, or If I'm happy or sad. How do I get myself admitted, do I have to shoot myself first, before they will pay any fucking attention to me?
>
> Question: If I am manic or hypomanic, would paxil be causing these wierd mood fluctuations?
>
> What if I just have a better insight into life than the rest, and I can see it for truly what it is: irrelevant, there is no meaning for our existence, we are just ants in anthills. How can anyone in there right mind believe in god? I tend to think religion is the sanctuary of the weak and ignorant.
>
> I am just rambling out all my thoughts in hopes that someone understands what it feels like, or can tell me "yes Andrew, you are fucking nuts"
> As I have said in past postings, I am deemed gifted, in the 99th percentile, I'm not bragging, I'm actually ashamed because I am a 26 year old highschool drop out
> loser. Are "genius" (so to speak) and insanity really connected?
> I want to run away sooooo bad, If any one out there is willing to admit me or refer me, I will drive ANYWHERE.
> I was going to go and hide out in the Rockies to relax, but of course that one never came to fruition.
> I sometimes think my work dosent help (actually I'm on a four month medical leave of abscense right now because it burnt me out) I work in a group home for abused children, and the occaisonal Autistic. I should be happy, although it is stressfull, it should be very fullfilling, it is to my co-workers.
> I can't listen to the radio anymore. It makes me sick, The stupid morning shows and all of these "manufactured" bands. I feel like everyone in the world has had the wool thrown over there eyes but me.
> Really, the world is a rotten place, full of greed, hatred, hunger, death, poverty, war, famine, drought.
> To have a positive attitude towards life is to be deceitfull to oneself.
>
> Love is nothing but neurons and seratonin which (hopefully) keep us alive long enough to procreate. When it fails or malfunctions, Suicide occurs.
>
> Thank you all for letting me vent
> sincerely
> Andrew.If I understand your description correctly
Andrew, I would say that this is manic depression,
and your doctor should be able to pick this up.
If that is confirmed, lithium should make you
feel better very soon. There are other drugs
as well. Let me know of your progress.Squiggles
poster:Squiggles
thread:78307
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010907/msgs/78423.html