Posted by PsychoSage on February 19, 2004, at 18:20:44
In reply to Severe decrease in cognitive function, posted by CJ Young on March 7, 2002, at 14:26:53
> I'm on 50mg Seroquel, 400 Wellbutrin, 300 Effexor, 60mg thyroid
> and xanax (.25mg) to help me sleep. I had seizures as a child and
> recently had another one which I chalked up to accidental overdose of the above
> drugs due to time-zone changes while traveling to asia.
>
> My problem is this--I am in a PhD program in literature and faced with
> what seems to be my inevitable departure from the profession. I cannot
> think properly, my memory is astonishly deficient--the hundreds of books I have
> read are no longer accessible to me in my mind. It is heartbreaking to
> pick up a book and have no memory of having read any of it. Marginalia
> appear foreign.
>
> The qualities I valued most were my verbal acuity, creativity, and eloquence.
> My emails would leave friends and colleagues on the floor laughing. Distance
> never came between myself and my friends on the other side of the country because
> I could express myself perhaps better than I could if I were there. I no longer
> write emails anymore and have lost touch with my friends.
>
> I cannot find words. My boyfriend, a brilliant man who fell in love with me
> before I was on medication, is heartbroken that the medication does not
> allow people to know me or my intelligence. Sometimes I think he is talking
> about himself too.
>
> My mind operates at about 10% capacity versus prior to the meds. When your life,
> your identity, your passion are circumscribed by your intellect, you are left with
> nothing but the consciousness of your loss.
>
> In this case, ignorance is not bliss, but agony. I feel I need to make a decision.
> Severe, treatment-resistant bipolar II depression with borderline personality disorder
> OR mediocre quality of life emptied out of all content and meaning.
>
> I cry all day. I have lost everything just so that I can keep living.
>
> Please share your experiences.
I am so sorry you were feeling this way. Do you still read the board? I am bipolar also, and I suffer from concentration and studying troubles. I have been in and out of my undergraduate program at an elite university. Your message reminds me of Kay jamison's _An Unquite Moind_. I studied literature, and I hope to return soon to do so again.
poster:PsychoSage
thread:96905
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040218/msgs/315831.html