Posted by Emme on May 10, 2004, at 11:52:35
In reply to Preparing - I don't want to, but part of me is., posted by SLS on May 10, 2004, at 11:23:38
Hi Scott,
> I am not liking what's going on with me. The significant improvement of my depression that came from the addition of memantine to my treatment has completely vanished.
Oh no, I'm so sorry. I know you were holding out hope on this one. I understand the devastation when a treatment that had been helping and that you thought might do the trick goes bust.
> There really isn't much left for me to try.
I know you've been through a bazillion trials, but there's just *got* to be something. Do you feel your pdoc is good? Have you been for a consulting opinion? Two consulting opinions? Where do you live - maybe we can help you find some names.
> I'm not that young anymore. I no longer feel that I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I know that 44 is not old, but it now seems old enough that I might be able to make my peace with God and prepare myself for committing suicide.
Yes, I hear you. BUT, I and many others will be *seriously*, *massively* upset if anything happened to you. You're just too good a person. Perhaps you are feeling that you don't want to upset anyone but that you're not going to be able to hold on too much more. But ambivalence is part of the game too, and I beg you to hang on to the part, however small, that's keeping you alive. It's good that you're writing to us so we can give you as much help as we can.
> That I don't believe in a hereafter has gone a long way to prevent me from leaving life in the past. To me, suicide does not mean moving on to another destination. It is to end forever my only occasion of existence.
That's very similar to what I have felt. If that's been helping you hold on to this existence, then please hold on a bit longer. You've been an amazing example of perseverence and strength. If you are losing your will to keep on fighting, keep talking to us and we will support you and poke and nudge you to keep tyring.
> I am afraid now that if I work on it seriously, I can prepare myself for death.
DON'T YOU DARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?
Emme
poster:Emme
thread:345360
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040510/msgs/345375.html