Posted by kittencat on May 10, 2004, at 13:33:09
In reply to Preparing - I don't want to, but part of me is., posted by SLS on May 10, 2004, at 11:23:38
Check this out...
I heard this in church yesterday. Please don't recoil...I am NOT a religious fanatic. I only go to church maybe once a month, if that. When I do go, it is because I am feeling so suicidal, I am desperate, and I drag, & I mean drag, myself out of the house.
Yesterday, the pastor brought up some interesting stuff that penetrated my despondance, & may possibly help you. It can be interpreted any way you like...take religion totally out of the equation if you want to.
Quote from famous biblibal dude: "Why was I born? Was it only to have trouble and sorrow, to end my life in disgrace?"
Another quote from another famous biblical dude: "My life seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing & for no purpose at all!"
My pastor said that there are three levels of being when it comes to figuring out a good reason to stay alive.
The first: Survivalism. We are surrounded by tons of these people. Most depressives don't fall into this category. These are people like my parents. People alive just for the sake of living. Getting up, going to work, coming home, eating, sleeping. Automatons. People who do not question...people who simply exist. A sad and lacking life, in my opinion.
The second: Hedonism. People who literally enjoy life to a point that they want to keep on living. People with money. People who care about money, possessions, sex, work, a lot. You know the irritating bumper sticker "The one with the most toys wins"? Those types of people. People living, basically, for what they can squeeze out of the world. No real honorable purpose.
The third: Kind of a mystery. The pastor promises to expound within the coming weeks, but he has indicated that it is people who live for a purpose. Peole who know, exactly, what they are here on Earth for, and what their purpose is, and can bear all the other horrible things because they can see beyond them. Now, I suppose he is going to say that that purpose is to serve God. But fine, forget that! That doesn't exactly gel with me either. What I'm saying is, can you figure out your purpose? If you can, then you can live with the agony. I'm not just full of crap...I've been in misery since age five. I first tried to commit suicide at age 15, & have had at least five dead serious attempts since then. I have had many more "cries for help", if you will. My life is a cocoon of misery. I have shut myself off from everyone. My parents are horrible. No one understands. This is a crappy way to live, and I don't see the point, either. I feel like I'm already dead, anyway.
About two weeks ago, I stumbled across this website. In my eyes, a gift from God, but call it what you will. I still feel miserable, but I have never had such hope in my life. I never knew there were all these people out there feeling exactly what I'm feeling. Depression is an insidious, evil disease. It makes you lock yourself away & whispers lies & untruths into your ear all day until you are begging for mercy. You feel like you are the ONLY ONE who feels so bad, who does these weird things, who just can't get it together no matter how hard you try. Then you come to a place like this, & you find there are thousands, probably millions of people who feel the same way.
Try to figure out your purpose. I don't know mine, either, but my pastor says we all have one, believe it or not. Could your purpose, at least for a while, be to just keep posting on this website? Could it be to help people that really need you, like me, & in return get help from us? I really think it could be.
Please don't go. If I can do it, you can do it. There must be something better than this, and it can't be death.
poster:kittencat
thread:345360
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040510/msgs/345410.html