Posted by SLS on September 15, 2005, at 16:34:26
In reply to Re: Scott/SLS? ****TRIGGER***** » SLS, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2005, at 11:13:18
Hi there!
> yes, i'm certainly self-medicating. from the minute i get home from work i want to just go to sleep and wish the day would just end.
Sometimes the clock just doesn't move fast enough.
> i haven't been drinking the last week since my S. ideation is so strong. and am so close to acting i don't need that extra push.
For immediate relief, you could either try bringing your Zyprexa up to 20mg or add Risperdal or Seroquel temporarily. I'm sure each doctor will have his preference on how to deal with the situation. How did you respond to Risperdal?
> i'm on ritalinLA @20mg for depression and ADD, wellbutrin 300mg for depression, zyprexa @10mg for dysphoric mania? and xanax @2mg for anxiety and sleep, ambien 10-20mg PRN for sleep.
> this combo used to work but i;ve had several stressors in my life lately and i'm sure are contributing.
Yes. This phenomenon is known as "medication breakthrough" wherein an increase in psychosocial stress causes the illness to penetrate through the medication and produce symptoms. Doctors often increase the dosage of medication temporarily in situations like this.
> i'm Dx with bipolar, add, ptsd, anxiety and some ocd. both my docs before were not completely convinced i was bipolar because of how the mania/euphoric and dyphoric were appearing, my T says i have schiotypal and some schizoid personality traits. thus the zyprexa??
The Zyprexa is probably there to combat the presumed bipolar symptoms of mania and mixed states (dysphoric mania). Schizotypal personality is not really translatable into an Axis I disorder (major depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, etc.) and does not determine illness-specific medication.
> at least once when i was in the hospital i had one of my little 'episodes' and right away they put me on zyprexa. it works but i gained 23 lbs on it. ;(
What exactly are your "little episodes"?
Have you been screened for borderline personality disorder (BPD)?
> about the suicide, i'm really afraid of myself...
You should be.
This is a healthy and rational fear. Please continue to take measures to treat it as the crisis that it is.
> what i hear in my head is that "i'm going to kill myself it's just a matter of when".
I understand this. I have been there before. I may be there again one day.
I don't know what to say.
You probably have several rational reasons for wanting to end the pain. However, know that it is not necessary to end life in order to end pain, despite how your past history might make you feel otherwise. Depression is a liar. In fact, it can make one feel suicidal despite having no painful history at all. When you feel suicidal, be sure to remind yourself of this. Depression is distorting your thinking and influencing negatively your outlook.
Recall that you said that things had been working up until recently:
"this combo used to work but i;ve had several stressors in my life lately and i'm sure are contributing."
Prior to your medication breakthrough, how were you feeling? Had you been at all happy with your life?
> i have the means motive and isolated location. that's why i'm probably headed back to the hospital, which causes more anxiety and more s.ideation.
Here's the deal: Anxiety is a primary contributor to suicidal states. It is extremely important to treat the anxiety acutely - like right now. Adjustments in antidepressants might take too long to make a difference. That is why I thought it might be a good idea to try adding Risperdal or Seroquel or increase the Zyprexa temporarily. Let the doctors do their thing.
Try to keep your outlook positive in that temporary hospitalization can be healthy and constructive. It can be a respite from stress and a milieu within which you can learn to deal with the stresses in your life more efficiently.
If you must avoid hospitalization to remain employed, I can understand your anxiety and apprehension. In this case, you might want to work more closely with your doctor to address the anxiety compontent of your depression immediately so that you have a chance of avoiding hospitalization. I will be very interested to know how your doctors address your suicidogenic anxiety.
Depression is a liar. Don't make life and death decisions based upon the warped messages it sends you.
- Scott
poster:SLS
thread:554211
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050914/msgs/555323.html