Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on March 13, 2009, at 11:16:28
This is random, out of order. Nevertheless, I am writing this in a thank you for anytime you spend read-ing, everything. Some of the past, was not understood why? I came to some presumption:
My mother has Huntingtons disease, it is where the "caregiver" or "control-absolute" controlled every aspect of life, and it's not anyone's fault, but it was a choice. You know the, departure from memories that I "knew", and suddenly. The years I posted here, either joking to vent out some stuff, and eventually breakdown, shown on PB, thank god those links are disabled.
I do not, care for these people anymore, but I do Realize from my mom's past, she was out of control. After I grew up, she would storm into public places, malls, especially CREDIT cards, not going into any info on that, you talk about "torture".
It's all figured out, neglection-abandoment= opposite desire for grown life, then after all control has seemed to be given. Care giving, and loving, but abuse, and yell at the top of Mount Sinai, over...if one thing was not perfect. Went to school, had it equal there, but going home...to two toxic people, did not know anything about "boundaries". I would go to my room, stepfather would burst open the door, I would open the window and run as fast as I could to get away. Hid couple of hours, and prayed to God, deep. That was actually, before I started posting here.
Second during any development years, there was this since...I am not like other people, and it was true, people liked me for entertainment, randomness.
There was an event that led to multiple things after, which "destroyed" reality. Didnt care about the past, just was trying to hold on to handle life. People changed their views, as I stated...Huntingtons Disease is a 90% sure, through she loved me, too much, it was disgusting, "get away, let me my own thing". I would get pu-nished for saying that, or any direct comment back. Over the years, her yelling whipping down, caused a pre-feeling of "this isnt real, where do I go?" no one can help me; I do not know even how to get a friend. Got old-er, at one point, she would trigger an emotion, I would yell, I cannot describe, but vocal cords changed, and eventually, she would say, "you insane, Im right". Every technique, "blowing up so hard, I became an agamid"
It was parts, complex error's that lead to a death-like quality of life. Then, recent, she denies everything and "litterly" forgot memories, "it's not my responsibility what happens to you"http://neurologicalillness.suite101.com/article.cfm/huntingtons_behavioral_issues
Moreover, I am sorry, if I did not get of the house in time, but these two people, would violent control everything, in response, I would get "7fold reaction" back.
The last of what life I still had, I was in bed, the brain wanted to "shut down" all functions, not with any substance. The feeling of death, I would get "snap shots" of a grave. Mourning, over the years, finally was, this feeling of pain so much, it is as if you are dying, I called the Lord, "Be my father, I rather live somewhere where love is, than some place that has a roof, but is filled with bitterness. I get...unaware allot now, maybe that is just being, lazy and not keeping track of time.
Still here/existing... (Well, no big deal). However, this is an overall look back, I wanted to know "what, why, when, how" this happened, or the circumstance that it turned out. I slowly figured it out, by research on the web.
Now as parents, they are crueler, hateful, than all the people that I have met in the past. I know God the father will in time, take vengeance on whatever evil deed is where planted, you eat your own plant, tastes good, and then causes misery, because it is false, poison.No longer think about, even they are laughing about something, making gossip up (these fitly things called parents) which need to go into the "trash". I have been through, lost memories, because of manipulation, abuse, taking my keys, locked in the house.
This is a caution: But this can result from repeated, more aggressive control, manipulation. Yelled at (yet i yelled back later, because what else could i do?)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4EOw8wPBN8
All these rights, belong to the creator of this video on youtube. I just am sharing it, for a period of time, this needs to shown.
The mind did create a visual reality, where I could see a mother and a father, who "the American dreams". And that released endorphins, of love. Later, when harassment, gossip, and filthy chit chat, I opened; a couple of pages flipped, and ran across this verse.
Revelation 21 1-8: English Standard Version
21:1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, Behold, the dwelling place [1] of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, [2] and God himself will be with them as their God. [3] 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
5 And he who was seated on the throne said, Behold, I am making all things new. Also he said, Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true. 6 And he said to me, It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. 7 The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. 8 But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.
This is referring to their deeds, if they are truly righteous, or "socially righteous and I know plenty of people, who are "charismatic", then I see the real side.Even the deepest, separation...God knows, how to get out, you dwell in finding him. The Truth. Plus, memories are "fragmented" and over time, unaware, memories will manifest into personalities, because each event that triggers that memory, that personality will emerge (of whatever the memory is, was) to deal with it.
Nevertheless, through it all, you have to accept, these things happened, they cannot be solved by jump-ing back time, the ego dealing with pain threshold trauma. So if look at it, it's a puzzle, not put together. It has to be sealed to the present, and you forgive, and move on.Love life.
Smile;)
poster:rjlockhart04-08
thread:885165
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090313/msgs/885165.html