Posted by Zana on June 18, 2009, at 15:00:39
In reply to Re: The term 'TRD ' implies it's my fault - is it? » SLS, posted by Phillipa on June 18, 2009, at 12:15:12
Boy do I know the feeling. I just can't believe that I am so f*ck up that I have gone through so many meds and failed to get out of my depression. Right now I am doing OK on 7, count em, 7 meds! And I am in constant fear that this combo will fail. I feels awful to feel like I have no control over how I feel, what I am able to do, who I think of myself as being without the proper meds. And it seems like they always poop out!
It is not your fault and I think Scott's analogy is a good one. I don't know what your history with meds has been but I have been on everything, or so it seems and was virtually bedridden for about 18 months when no meds seemed to work at all. Now I am up and about and pretty traumatized by the experience.
All I can say is hang in there. It does feel terrible to have the label "treatment resistant." And I have found, looking for a new pdoc after my last one dumped me in the middle of my worst depression ever (after 15 years) that it scares docs off. I mean who wants to take on such a difficult case?
But I am doing OK now and you will be too. It is clear that you are not on the right meds now and that you are doing something about it. That's great! I know it is cruelly ironic that when you feel your worst you have to summon the most energy to push ahead, advocate for yourself and subject yourself to what are essentially drug trials. But that's the way it is, or has been for me. Keep at it. Hang in there. There really are so many meds, so many combinations, that I really believe if you stick with it and keep pushing to try new things you will find a combination that works for you.
I hate, hate, hate being treatment resistant. It feels like a death sentence. But I dont' think it means it's hopeless and it's certainly not your fault.
Take heart. So many people on Babble are treading the same path. Try to take good care of yourself. Isn't it amazing that we worry so much about our weight? I mean really! I do. I can be dissolved in tears, beside myself with distress and if my pdoc tells me the next med is going to cause me to gain weight, I'm like "Oh no," I don't want to gain weight that will just make me feel worse about myself." It's nuts. But it's also a real concern both because we are all so ingrained with the body image stuff and because it's unhealthy.
Try to see it as a badge of courage. You're struggling. There are going to be scars. Right now the weight thing is one of the scars, one of the burdens you're bearing. But remember, it has nothing to do with what kind of person you are. Nothing to do with what kind of parent you are. You are much more than you weight. And if you haven't already, get rid of your scale. Do you really want your sense of feeling being to be determined by an arbirary number on the stupid thing? When you're up to it, you'll exercise and eat better. And you'll lose the weight. Right now you need to concentrate on getting your meds straightened out and it sounds like that is just what you are doing. Give yourself a pat on the back and a hug.
And keep posting.Zana
poster:Zana
thread:901734
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090611/msgs/901818.html