Posted by StillHopefull on May 18, 2010, at 12:43:44
In reply to Re: Back on the meds? Now that's REALLY depressing..., posted by hansi555 on May 18, 2010, at 10:22:03
Thinking back on my history - so many drugs for so many years. Diagnosis Major Depression.
In reviewing my feelings and behavior over the past 20 years, I think the very sickest I've been is during medication poop-out. It is such a subtle thing that creeps up me. I'm not even aware of it until someone or something brings it to my attention. Usually it comes to me as I am preparing for a doctor appointment/med check. I start examining my behavior and realize I'm not living up to my expectations, not performing up to my usual level, being lazy, blah, blah, blah. Then I feel guilty, and that makes me feel bad and sad.In all honesty it it my behavior, more than how I feel, that clue me in that I'm depressed again. And how weird that I don't notice right away... Like I'll start skipping showers and just wash the "stinky parts" with a washcloth. I won't feel like going to work so I just call in sick. Housework will fall behind, same with bill paying. I'll quit working on projects and hobbies, or start something and just never finish. And I would lie about these things. Admitting this really makes me feel sad. And I am realizing that I never behaved like this BEFORE I started on these meds. Only after, and only during poop-out. What does that mean?
So reminding myself of these past behavior patterns, I ask myself this: Where does my current condition rate in comparison to my condition in the past? Well it varies day to day, but I am not at the lowest I have ever been. 3 weeks ago I was crying all day. I don't feel like crying now. So that's improvement. Maybe the neurofeedback is helping (see my post on the Alternative Board).
I've come this far. And its been a hard road. There are no easy answers and no quick fixes. Yesterday I felt like starting the meds again. Today I don't. So that's another improvement.
Looking back to 1989 when I started this journey, I don't believe I really had a severe major depression. I had been through a terrible personal tragedy, I wanted to quit smoking pot, and Dr. Feelgood was right there with his rX pad.I have filled my brain with so much information over the past 3 weeks - so many differing opinions. And the information on www.madinamerica.com was just horrific! But I don't see anything about whether someone can recover and come out of this.
After 3 months of being completely drug free, is it possible that my brain is still feeling the effects of all those drugs? Should I give it more time? I know in the treatment of mental illness, it takes an enormous amount of time to know for sure if any treatment is going to work or not. Doesn't it usually require a trial of 3 to 6 months to know for sure if a med is working? Doesn't it take that long to adjust to the initial side effects? Perhaps I need to be a little more patient and give this drug-free thing more time.
All feedback, comments, etc. is much appreciated! Thanks!
poster:StillHopefull
thread:947741
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100514/msgs/947821.html