Posted by jade k on July 9, 2010, at 22:29:40
In reply to Re: What's up for 10 years from now?, posted by europerep on July 9, 2010, at 16:23:13
> hey jade..
hey europerep!
>
> sorry for replying to your question on my post earlier, I wasn't feeling that goodI'm not sure what you're apologising for...and I know you haven't been feeling well :-( Sometimes I forget "a post" is not a complete picture of the "poster" if that makes sense. I did feel bad later, after getting to know you some on your other thread. Thats why I came back to clarify :-)
>
> what I wrote was basically what came to my mind when someone mentioned genetic engineering, which made me think of children, kids, education, etc.. and of course when I said "if parents learned.." then this was with my parents in mind.. they were never "bad parents" at all, but for my mom especially certain things were always more important: how the family looked on the outside, her sons' success vs. the other children's success (esp. school-wise), whether her kids were perfectly socially integrated ("different" is BAD)...
> this has caused me many, many problemsI'm really sorry, and I should have been more empathetic. You had a reason for your post and I should have let it be.
> and I started distancing myself from my parents at a very young age.. I kind of feel like through what my mom did (or did not do), she has "waived" her right to actually be loved by me.. after some difficult years, and about a year where I did not have any contact with her at all, our relation is somewhat normalized now.. although she has hurt me very, very much, I do not want to hurt her "in retaliation"..
Thats really impressive. Your conflicted feelings about her I'm sure are painful. I hope you don't "stuff" it. Sounds like you would be an excellent candidate for therapy of some kind. Its often said "we must forgive our parents", not for them but for us.
>she has had a difficult life herself, and I have to say that I doubt that, as an adult, she has actually ever been happy - at least I have never really seen her laugh, and there is not one photo where she is "authentically" smiling.. I see all that, and I don't want to cause her more problems, but at some point I am still very disappointed, and hurt by her actions and attitudes..
As children we look to our parents for so many things, I'm sure it was difficult for you to be raised by someone who was unable to experience joy. It sounds like on the one hand, you feel cheated, and on the other you feel enough compassion towards her to recognise that maybe she didn't have much to give.
I hear that you are hurt and disappointed. I see now why you are concerned about how much nurture plays a role in mental illness, as compared with nature.
This question has been a recurrent theme on the board lately, nature vs nurture. I DO believe depression (and many mental illnesses) can be caused by childhood neglect and abuse. I also believe that some simply are genetic, and all the parental love in the world can't prevent some disorders from presenting.
>
> of course, I see so many parents who show true affection for their children, and I am glad everytime I see it.Sounds like you will make a caring and attentive parent some day.
>I was certainly not going to rant against "parents" as a whole, but sometimes I have the impression that for some parents, children are not an end, but a means, through which they obtain something, and I find that very wrong..
So do I :-(
>are you a mother, jade? if so, then I am sure you are a great one :) and you are right of course, "if more parents learned to love their children, we would be a giant step further" is a better way to say it.. ;)
Yes, I am a mother (you can tell?). If you truly enjoy your kids, there is nothing that compares (for me). With children, suddenly, you are not the most important person in your life! WHAT? Imagine that! Your "stuff" just goes to the wayside, and their welfare trumps everything else. They're so much fun!(and exhausting!)
Maybe thats why I'm in crisis. I'll soon be suffering from empty nest syndrome....see! they come in handy for all sorts of things, lol.
Btw-good parenting can make all the difference in the world to a child that DOES present with a mental illness. I hope we can all agree on that.
You're a cool guy europerep...keep the faith
~Jade
ps-My babblemail is on, write me anytime.
poster:jade k
thread:953351
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100709/msgs/953946.html