Posted by Enigma on October 10, 2010, at 16:13:51
Looking for anything to improve my mood, no matter how little.
Sick of taking MAOI's, and they all pretty much stopped working anyway.
I'm pretty much bedridden most days, and my idiot doctors (the last 3) pretty much told me (well, that's exactly what they told me), that they can't help me (that I've tried everything they would have suggested). Therapists too. They don't even want to try older meds I've tried, just for the hell of it.I'm in suicidal hell every day, but resist the urge because I'm the sole income for my family, and more importantly, I don't want to devastate my family, especially my kids (my wife and I are separated and she'll get over it more easily than my kids will).
Is there anything new out there? SSRI's usually have no effect on me, and tricyclics usually make me psychotic (violently psychotic). I've tried just about every thing already, and atypical anti-psychotics too (which I either gain horrible weight from and get diskinesia? from, which can turn permanent, and then I can't sleep, not like I can now, so no thanks to those..).
There's gotta be something new I haven't tried yet. I'm fairly desperate.
Depression has stolen ALL my interests, and I can't watch tv, movies, play video games, enjoy spending time with my kids, go outside, basically, anything. I don't have any friends (anymore - they were all selfish assholes anyway, and of course, no love interest). It's hard to sleep, or even nap. Immune to Klonopin now (max dose), again, which used to help a little (for sleep).
Now I'm hypo-manic and depressed at the same time (which is new for me), so it's sorta like lying down, and being given a slideshow (at 100 miles an hour) of every depressing thing that's every happened in my life (and there's TONS of material to work with), and I can't stop it from happening. It's like a nightmare that won't end. I try to think positive thoughts, but they are immediately wiped out by negative ones.
I refuse to go to the hospital. Been there twice, and couldn't wait to get back out. I have my reasons. Long story short, it's makes me WORSE being there, not better.. they've never HELPED me one bit being there. It's more like prison than anything else.
I need to hold on at least until I see if I get accepted to this DBS study I have applied for. I am at the stage where I am signing waivers to get my medical records released to them, but that could take weeks, and getting through just one day to the next is an almost impossible battle. I used to have good days here and there, but not any more. They are all bad.
I'm in agony all day. I wish I could be put into an medically induced coma, to be perfectly honest. The mental anguish is unbearable. It's never been this bad in 10 years of severe depression. I was always able to at least enjoy something, until just the last few months when Nardil quit on me, and even Selegeline failed to provide any positive effect. Parnate never worked, and I don't know if I ever tried Marplan? (is that the name)?
No idea what do it. It breaks my hear to leave my children in poverty and by killing myself, but I can't endure the pain anymore. My chronic stomach pains mostly have gone away (if you saw my other posts), but my headaches have only lost 1/2 their strength. At least without the MAOI's I can try sinus meds to see if that's what's causing them. I get sinus infections about once a year, but for some reason, i don't think that's what's going on. I think it's the stress of constantly worrying about dying.
Before anyone mentions the obvious, like taking a walk, exercise, and so on.. I can barely get the energy to eat, let alone do anything like that. I can't even mow my lawn. I don't even want to go outside. I'm still to emotional to try to meet people, and I've been down that road many times before, all resulting in failure. People don't care. I met 1 person who does in 5 years and she lives 4 hours away. I can't even go over her house and see her in person, plus, she's got her own issues and doesn't need to deal with mine. My best friend from childhood is the only one left and he lives 1000 miles away. That doesn't help. I'm done trying to make friends. I always end up getting hurt and let down. And women? Forget that. Dating sites for a year and nothing to show for it besides pain. Mind numbing pain and rejection. Never found more vain and shallow women in my life, no matter what site, pay or free, and I'm in great shape, 41, and actually above average looking. Doesn't matter to them.
Ok, too much information..
poster:Enigma
thread:965266
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20101009/msgs/965266.html