Posted by b2chica on October 31, 2012, at 7:52:55
In reply to Re: med update... » b2chica, posted by phidippus on October 30, 2012, at 17:27:55
> >the physical pain of such a horrible death would be much easier burden to carry than the invisible mind war i carry.
> I want to know more about your mind war. What kind of thoughts are you having?those that i listed earlier. "its time to lay down my life, what a perfect day Nov xx to die. so fitting. i have a lot of things to get together, to 'tidy up' before i take my life.
then i know logically that my body will fight to survive no matter what my mind thinks. logically i know that my chances of having a botched suicide attempt are greater than having a completed one. so why try it.
then my brain combats back " then you better get it right the first time" "do it right" the sure way. the best way.
Then i get scared and try to refocus on the moment and list whom would be harmed by my death. i count only two , but those are a great two.
This morning i dropped off my youngest at daycare and she went right into playing. didnt get hug and kiss like usual. at first my brain said "see! she will do just fine without you", then my brain said, NO it wasn't a proper goodbye, you cant try anything yet."its oscillating thoughts make me sick.
its a battle between logic and emotion. so far logic has won. But i need help....and i have yet to hear from the job i applied for.
great, useless AND jobless... nice.
"What is madness, but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.
The day is on Fire, and i know the purity of pure despair."
Theodore Roethke
poster:b2chica
thread:1030193
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20121029/msgs/1030386.html