Posted by BarbaraCat on April 22, 2004, at 14:37:07
In reply to Anyone give up meds? « rainbowlight, posted by Dr. Bob on March 12, 2004, at 8:15:47
Yes, I am off all meds I was taking on a regular basis to manage BP-II. I was taking lithium and lamictal and prior to that, many years (25) of being on one or another SSRI or TCA. I was also taking clonopin and/or lorezapam and other benzos to manage severe anxiety and large doses (2700mg/day) of gabapentin for fibro pain. I'd occasionally get toasted on wine to manage the anxiety. My dx was bipolar-mixed states, along with fibromyalgia and hypothyroid and PTSD. I was pretty f&**cking miserable for many, many years.
I see a naturopath and do alot of research on this stuff and so would try anything that looked promising to relieve the intense suffering I lived with daily. Along with prescribed meds, I was taking large handfuls of vitamins, antioxidants, fish oil, natural hormones, herbs. I'm aware of many cutting-edge remedies and treatments, and have tried most of them. I try to get enough exercise, but with the fibro, it's real hard. And sometimes exercise is too much for a depleted body. My cortisol levels were very low and all systems were shot. My immune system could not take even the slightest insult. My body could no longer process meds of any kind and even vitamins were turning into an insult. For me, the best natural support was discovering my adrenal reserves and immune system were shot and addressing it. Realizing the physical component was crucial but much more really went on than addressing just the physical.
This past winter, in the midst of a seriously destabilizing time (first anniversary of my Mother's death, two very ill cats, one dying, financial and marital stresses, and a health crisis), I hit the wall. Nothing was working and I felt like I was shattering. If meds weren't working, I was determined to quit and see how it went. I decided to chuck it all and cast my fate to an inner guidance I doubted was even there. I'd been to so many psychiatrists, counselors, naturopaths, psychics, nutitionists, etc., etc. and I was drowning in pain and anguish anyway. No one could help, it seemed, and it was now a show-down between me and Spirit. A do or die.
It was a gradual tapering off all meds and seeking my own healing current. It's been 5 months now since my last lithium/lamictal/lorezapam/nortriptyline brew and I'm slowly regaining my health and sanity in a way that feels like I'm been reassembled. I can't explain all that has happened, but it really did come down to asking for inner guidance and help and then trusting that the grieving, fear, and pain that emerged as I quit meds was real and honorable. It was about finding a way to honor and be with whatever was emerging, painful and roiling as it was. I stayed with a a moderate nutritional/vitamin regimen, but concentrated on eating as pure and fresh foods as possible, drinking alot of clean water, getting enzymes, fresh air, getting to sleep by 11, meditating, praying, and lots and lots of crying. Lifetimes of old pain. The only thing that worked during the intense times was holding on to the safety of the present moment. No matter what was going on in my mind and body, the present moment was always manageable and safe. I could not always stick to this and ended up a few times drinking my brains out just to survive the anxiety and grief. I also took a benzo or a few gabapentin when it was all too much. I'm no masochist. But I felt that this was a process that I had to trust - two steps forward, one back. It got very hairy at times and I didn't think the well of tears would ever stop. A few times I had the bottles of meds in my hand thinking I had to restart or I would damage something irreparably. But I didn't, knowing I could not tamper with this process that needed to happen.
It only recently all started releasing and making deep sense. I'm lucky in that I am not working and have a husband who has emotionally supported me through this intense time. I was able to take the time to go through this process. I also have a very rich inner life, have a long-term meditation practice and have had long chats with very talented healers in other realms. I've always been plugged into other circuits. I say I did this work alone, but I really did it with the help of amazing grace and guidance from sources in the unseen realms. Some would call it raging psychosis, but jeez, the care I received in these realms was alot more loving and effective than my HMO 'health care team' (bah!). So, this spiritual healing orientation was my way to get to the core of my inner distress.
What I realized was that, in my heart of hearts, I felt ultimately doomed and hopeless of ever healing. A deep sense of unworthiness and despair had crystallized over the years, becoming it's own entity of sorts, robbing me of my life force, my joy, my sense of purpose. Nothing was working - this energetic pattern had taken over and I was not even aware of it. I had to go to this extremely scary place, understand it, see how it operated in my life, and come to a place of peace with it. It's been a long and intense process but one I was finally ready for. The meds were keeping the pain and anxiety of all this at bay, but less and less effectively, and finally, not at all. For me, I had to just do the inner work and take care of my body as simply and purely as I knew how. I'm also learning about ways to work with these congealed energetic patterns. So much of it resides in subtle vibrational levels that are more tangible as I become aware of them. But that's another topic for another time.
What I'm saying is that all the nutritional/alternative supplements will help support you in a more natural way than prescription meds, as will seeking a balanced lifestyle. But taking more in and onto our bodies is not the answer. The answer comes about by doing less, and listening to the healing wisdom inside. The answer lies deeper than our physical bodies' needs, although our bodies and brains must also be nourished. Most of us here have been in painful dark places and have known oceans of pain in our souls. It is from this level that the healing takes place - while concurrently lovingly caring for the physical body. How this happens for you is your path. By all means, seek help wherever you trust. Meds can even provide ongoing support, but ultimately, only to support the deeper core work that your soul must guide to through. For this to occur, you have to simplify, and clear the gunk out of the channels. Again, it might even be wise to stay on meds until other forms of toxic habits are released and repatterned. Gaining body/mind clarity is the goal.
BTW, drink lots and lots of pure water. Whatever your weight is, divide by two and that's how many ounces of water to drink every day. Make sure you're elimination is working. Very important. There's toxins that need to be dumped. Do without stuff that you know is placing burdens on your body - sugar, caffeine, alcohol. Give it a rest. You know what I'm talking about. On a purely physical basis, my theory is our adrenals are blown out. Find out your cortisol levels and if you need to supplement with a natural form of hydrocortisol. I'm working with my naturopath on this and it really is the bedrock of the physical level suppport for me.
I still get depressed and at wits' end. I still on occasion pop a benzo when things get really rough. I still have to take an Ambien when I can't get to sleep. Again, I'm no masochist - God gave us chemicals for a reason. But there is arising a sense of peace and acceptance within it all that is shining through into all aspects. I've walked through those dark places, made peace with them, and now they evoke curiosity and respect instead of fear. It's been a radical shift. I've had some very intense things come up recently, but this peace and curiosity have remained, with the knowledge that I can take anything as long as I stay grounded in the NOW. I'm no longer 'bipolar, mixed-states' who needs meds to function but simply a hurting soul who is in the process of clearing out and healing on all levels, and finally enjoying it. - BarbaraCat
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URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/alter/20040418/msgs/338866.html