Posted by Maxime on January 3, 2005, at 22:35:17
In reply to Re: Text book anorexia -trigger negative talk » Maxime, posted by shrinking violet on January 2, 2005, at 11:08:52
> >> I've been honest with him about my intake but he doesn't focus on it at all. I don't look like I am restricting. My metabolism is messed up and I have a thyroid problem so my body doesn't reflect my low calorie intake. I don't think he will do anything until I look underweight. But I've struggled with disease long enough to know to that I am damaging my body. I might be the fattest anoretic, but my daily intake is never more than 400 calories.
>
> --Hi Maxime. :-) Do you *want* your psych to focus on your intake? It sounds like (and forgive me if I'm wrong) that some part of you knows you are taking in too little and are worried about that, but maybe you need/want someone else to be worried as well, and since no one seems to be (that you know of, I'm sure they are) you are finding it hard to verbalize your concerns for yourself? Perhaps you could talk to your doc about your intake, how you feel it may be too little but you aren't sure how to increase on your own? Is there any way you can see a nutritionist or dietician?
>
Hi - Well I feel like he is giving me carte blanche to continue down the anorexic path. And I thought he would be somewhat concerned. So I guess I feel overlooked BUT at the same I am glad.> >> Part of me doesn't want help because I can get away with my behaviour and no one cares. I lie about what I have eaten etc. and people figure I am telling the truth because I don't look like I did in 2001. Yet nothing has really changed except one messed up metabolism and thyroid. I take thyroid medication but the weight I gain doesn't seem to want to leave my body. I feel like such a fat cow.
>
> --You're not fat, hon. Yes, it feels that way...I know the feeling too well. My university where I'm a grad student and see a treatment team are now forcing me to undergo partial hospitalization in an outpatient day program for EDs before I can return to school in a few weeks. Do I think they are overreacting? Yes. Do I think I'm that much underweight, especially since I've been much lower? No, but I'm trying to trust my team and realize that maybe they know more than I do. I mean, I doubt they'd force me to do this unless they thought it was necessary. Also, EDs are a MENTAL illness first and foremost. Yes, it is one that also effects us physically, but it is still a mental disorder and how you think and feel mentally defines the severity of this illness much more than how much you weigh.I'm 40 pounds heavier than I was and I am short. So I am very fat.
> >> I want to self-destruct. I don't feel like I deserve anything good in life. I don't know why I feel this way but I do.
>
> --Gosh, I feel the same way sweetie, I do, which makes wanting to do anything good for myself so very hard. My T says that feeling had to have been created somehow, though, that we aren't born hating ourselves. The trick is to figure out what makes you feel that way, what happened to you (directly or indirectly) to make you hate yourself so much. <3
>
> >> I don't know why I am posting here. I am not looking for recovery. I think it is because I want to help others if I can. I like helping others.
>
> --I'm glad you're posting here. I feel the same as you in terms of helping other people, but I'm also learning that you sort of need to take care of yourself before you can really take care of someone else. In a group this week, someone said something that is sort of resonating with me: she said that people with EDs and negative self-esteem are very self-oriented, and all of that energy we use to focus on ourselves (even though it's hating ourselves and thinking negatively, it's still self-attention) we are taking away from being able to focus on others. It's something I'm still playing around with in my mind, but it's making me think....maybe it will help you in some way as well.
>
> I hope i wasn't too harsh or pushy? I try not to be that way b/c I don't like it when others do it to me! :-) Take care sweetie. Email me anytime, ok?
>
> Peace,
> svNo, you weren't too harsh or pushy. I am surprised you took the time to respond to my post at all. But I am glad that you did.
max
poster:Maxime
thread:435626
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/eating/20041128/msgs/437460.html