Posted by llrrrpp on September 2, 2006, at 22:01:29
In reply to Re: Approval, and anxiety, and being Good Enough » Racer, posted by ClearSkies on September 2, 2006, at 21:26:46
Racer wrote:
>So, only 100% will be Good Enough, because nothing else is safe. Anything else, the approval line may move, and it may not be Good Enough.Oh Racer,
this is so hard. I think you are so brave for doing the things you do- going to math classes, because you want to be a better person, and because you value your education. Learning to ignore the obnoxious twerp who says something so rude and inappropriate in lecture. Sure, you heard him, but you're still in the class, right? It's hard to figure out whose approval is worth fighting for. In this case, you know your prof's opinion of you, and even though the twerp's words are irritating and hurtful, you don't try to seek his approval.Of course every little girl want their mother's approval. I still want it. My mom was not as capricious as your mom, though. That sounds incredibly difficult, Racer, and I just wanted to say that it's not your fault that you had to try so hard, and feel so little approval. It's not your fault that that little girl is still with you today.
As for your relatives, I don't care what they think of you. They sound unpleasant, harsh and critical. They slap a label on you, and treat you as if you are performing some role. It's almost inevitable that you reacted on some level by halfheartedly playing that role, at least while you were interacting with them (self-fulfilling prophecy: they treat you like an idiot, and they only way they pay attn to you is when you're acting somewhat idiotic, for example).
Fortunately, they sound fairly distant at this point. Distant in your heart anyways. So put their idea of what Racer should be like aside for the moment. I don't know if it would help you to hear this, but I have no stereotype of who Racer is- I don't see you as fitting into some category. Whenever I'm feeling that I have you "figured out" I find out that you are an accomplished seamstress, textile artist, that you know the anatomy of horse limbs, that you are brave enough to sign up for more classes even when the tests are so stressful for you.
And this latest thing about using your rump as Mother Nature intended it- well, that's pretty darn sensible, in my opinion. Bipedalism can only get us so far...
100% what? Howabout 100% Racer? Sounds pretty darned good to me. If I wanted to hang out with your relatives, I would have invited them to the babble self-esteem board, huh?
-ll
my babystep today is being brave enough to talk to 4 people with confidence- the first woman sitting next to me on the bus that broke down. The second woman sitting next to me on the bus that rescued us (took only 40 minutes to travel 2 miles... geez, I should have ridden my bicycle, or walked...). A professor I taught with 3 years ago (and I took her seminar 4 years ago)- saw her on the street, had a pleasant conversation. She obviously couldn't remember my name. ----my babystep is that I don't give a sh*t if that prof remembers my name. She didn't seem especially friendly on the street either. the ladies on the bus were MUCH warmer, friendlier, and happier to talk with me---- And a funny young couple sitting on the bench next to me as I ate my ice cream in the park this evening. I dared to enter their conversation because they were talking about their neighbor's cat misbehaving at 6am. I was laughing so hard (in my head) and I decided-- what the hell-- I'm going to enter their conversation. I don't care what they think of me. And it was nice. They made me lol.
That's 2 babysteps, hmm. Well, makes up for a couple of slips on Wednesday/Thursday, I guess.
-ll
and I just signed my post twice. But I'm feeling gutsy. I'm gonna leave it be. OUCH!!! this hurts so bad. I want my writing to fit some convention. OMG. I want to edit it soooooo bad!!!! nooo! Avoid the [Revise you post] box. Avoid Avoid!!!
poster:llrrrpp
thread:682455
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060827/msgs/682486.html