Posted by Lindenblüte on October 22, 2006, at 10:02:38
In reply to Re: Procrastination and self esteem » Phillipa, posted by Phillipa on October 19, 2006, at 21:46:28
Clearskies,
Forget about what you *used* to do. Think about yourself as a NEW person, having been given a second (or 4th?) chance at life, you feel like... bellydancing!...
Sometimes the hardest thing about starting over is that we will always FAIL compared to someone else. When that someone else is OUR(former)SELVES, it's agonizing and frustrating.
I played the violin since I was a wee one, but stopped when I started graduate school. I didn't pick it up but perhaps a dozen times in two years (this is from someone who was a concertmaster, took lessons from a master teacher, and won scholarships to do summer orchestra festivals- not just a casual player!)
The hardest thing when I started again was that my two hands were not exactly coordinated doing the fast notes. Imagine my frustration/fury/embarrassment when a college FRESHMAN was giving me "tips" during my first semester of university orchestra after that 2 year hiatus. In my mind I just told her to eff-off. By the end of the first semester, I was back in shape and got promoted, while she's still in the back of the section. grrr!
At this point, I'm not in the uni orchestra, and once again, my violin is lying fallow...
The only thing that will make me play it again is when I can have FUN to make it something relaxing, or entertaining. That will never happen if I'm constantly comparing my playing to what I used to do. I think I will pick up a new set of tunes, and get back to doing some fiddling. Bluegrass, Irish, Scottish stuff. Nice tunes for dancing. Very forgiving, in terms of technical prowess.
The other thing I'm thinking about doing is to start using my violin as an expressive device. I have a hard time expressing my "feelings" but once, a few weeks ago, I picked up the violin and played Meditation, from the opera Thais (Massenet). It's a very lush, gorgeous part. Very emotional. After I convinced myself that I still knew the notes, I allowed myself to "feel" the music. Oh BOY... I actually started weeping. WTF is up with that?!? I felt like a freak, but I kept playing. That's what this music is about- agony, difficult choices, sorrow...
At times like this, I'm glad my husband wasn't around to interrupt me during my bout of emotional diarrhea.
Your post has inspired me to try to make vln a more central part of my everyday experience. Just writing about this stuff has helped me sort out the conflict between playing/not playing. I think I can do it. I hope you can too.
-Li
p.s. If you ever need to borrow some "belly" for your dancing, I've got a bit I can spare you? It jiggles "JuSt RiGhT!" bellylicious!
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:696017
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060921/msgs/696714.html