Posted by Jubilee on October 4, 2004, at 21:10:55
I am so blessed I have a place I can go to hear others and hopefully to get some support in my own grief. Jacob passed on Feb. 22nd this year , from an accidental overdose,and I am trying to get real here about how I feel. My roomate does'nt talk much and I am physically disabled and do'nt drive or I would go to a grief group. There is one at Roseville hospital twice a week. I had 4 sons . (one in heaven;miscarried) I am a Christian, and I believe my son is in heaven, which helps me keep things in perspective. I hurt and so wish I had been able to be there more for him as his friend and mother. My 3 sons had me, a mother with mental health issues since 1983 and I started recovery when Jacob was 13. His years with his father were real abusive and when he came back to me at 10 I was'nt able to be there for him like he deserved and so needed. He knew I did my best and I have finally overcome any regretes by Gods grace conserning what I was unable to do for my kids. I did my best with Gods help, and God began healing me 7-7-02. God has healed me two more times since Jake's death in Feb. and I so wish he was a part of this new mind the Lord has given me. By Gods grace I happened to write a comforting uplifting letter of some kind and he called me a month before his death and told me that good letter made him cry and he thanked me.. His 2 prior calls (lived out of state) were'nt too good. At the moment there is a big empty hole in me and the wind is blowing right through it! Loosing my firstborn has changed my relationship with my other two sons as I have been open with my whole heart and left nothing unsaid, and feel prepared if I should loose another. At first I so lived in that fear of loosing another son, and knew it would take me over the edge. I must accept that I gave my Jacob all I had to give at the time considering my state of mind. I will close this post with that thought, as I feel better now. Any response would be so appriciated, as I've been in an emotional wilderness for many years. Jubilee
poster:Jubilee
thread:398975
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/grief/20040811/msgs/398975.html