Posted by DaisyM on May 25, 2004, at 0:47:15
In reply to Re: Surviving, posted by DaisyM on May 23, 2004, at 19:21:47
I know you are all probably sick of this saga but i thought I'd at least update things.
Therapy today was really hard but soooo very helpful. I went in with full throttle anxiety and we talked about floating away on Friday. I told him how scary it was and how i was really still afraid of what my kidself needed to say. My Therapist reminded me that he had promised her that she could talk to him today so he wanted to hear what she had to say if I could find the words. I struggled a lot but finally did let her talk to him. I told him I was still so uncomfortable with talking about myself in parts and I didn't know why I needed to verbalize what she wanted us to know. He said she wanted a witness to all her pain and all she had been through. He said we had a lot of work to do but we were doing it. All of us together. That the lesson here was that we can't ignore all she has to say just because I'm busy with work.
I was a wreck, so of course, he wants me to come back tomorrow. And, yes, I was conflicted about agreeing to come again. But I think I need to this time, to stay grounded and calm things down. There are still some big things to sort through, many of them I know will be hard to say and painful. He promised that no matter what comes up, he will handle it and he won't leave. He also talked about safety again and how we can call "me" back when I feel too far away.
I researched trauma therapy this weekend and we seem to be doing it right. Go slow is the advice. But when you do get flooded and the memories don't slow down, then what do you do? Some of the
recommendations include extensive contact with a therapist, a support team, or even short term hospital stays. I find all of this terrifying. I know I need to talk to him more about this. I just never expected to fall apart like this. Again, research says this is common, that part of healing is experiencing the feelings that were stuffed at the time of trauma, not just remembering in an intellectual way.It is hard to remember that I'm making a choice to work through all of this. Somehow it feels like it has chosen me.
Thanks again for all of the ongoing support. I love you guys!
poster:DaisyM
thread:349340
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040522/msgs/350320.html