Posted by Rigby on July 17, 2004, at 17:37:12
In reply to Re: Transference pain never ends » Rigby, posted by crushedout on July 16, 2004, at 15:43:07
Eeks--sorry, it sounds like I've offended you. Didn't mean to! I guess I tend to think of how I operate and that's not how everyone does (DUH!!)
For me, in the past I've settled for "good" relationships but not ones that were electric or ones that **I** chose; it was always the other person doing the chosing and me going along. So somewhere along the way I became this huge advocate for not settling in my life so I'm attuned (perhaps overly so) to this potentiality in other people's situations.
I dunno about the therapist crush that won't die. I mean it sounds like the new relationship is *great.* One thought: Maybe try and get specific about what it is about this guy that makes you not be able to fall in love with him (more specific than that he's male) and what is it about your therapist that makes you feel in love?
For me, as mentioned before, the therapist crush *finally* faded with a series of very, very intense dreams and a lightning bolt revelation. And then, peace. Lots of turmoil before then though (maybe like what you've got going on.) Even when I did arrive at peace with this therapist for a short time I was angry at how much it took out of me to get there.
I do think crushes fade with time but I had a bad one that lasted about seven years. Sadly it took a large chunk of my life away. Yuck. Retrospectively it was really mostly about deep stuff in me and the rest about the object of my affection. But hindsight's 20/20 as usual.
> Yeah. (A), I'm a lesbian -- I don't get super-into guys. (B), being in love with my therapist makes it very hard for me to get super-into anyone. That's the problem, or part of it.
>
> But, I really don't think I'm "settling." This guy is really great. The sex is really good, I'm learning so much about myself, and I really, really like him. I don't feel capable of falling in love with a guy and I've told him that. He's ok with everything, which is one of the amazing things about him. Sometimes I think being in love isn't all it's cracked up to be, anyway. And I feel like he's helping me in a huge way to get over my therapist, or, as much as anyone has ever been able to help me, which is not much. But I'm hopeful. So, it's definitely a good development in my life, there's no question about it.
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> Which brings me to the point that I'm not at all "backsliding." Quite the contrary. I just haven't "frontslided" and that's why I'm miserable. I feel like I should have gotten past this by now and I'm not at all past it yet. I feel like I might just be ready to begin the process, but haven't I been trying to begin this process for a year now? Yes, I think I have. And it's been an agonizing, tortuous year in many ways.
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> I also disagree that if I get into someone that my crush is going to go away. I kind of believe I will always have this place in my heart for her --a crush on some level -- like Raindancer was saying, and that I have to find a way to make the most of it and find other people who can take up residence in other parts of my heart. Sounds cheesy but you know what I mean.
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> I think thinking of this relationship as "settling," or thinking I have to find something as electric and wonderful as what I have with my T will only keep me where I am forever, which is not a good place to be. This relationship represents growth for me.
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> Enough said.
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> crushed
poster:Rigby
thread:365838
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040716/msgs/367204.html