Posted by Dinah on September 10, 2004, at 20:01:20
In reply to Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on September 10, 2004, at 17:48:44
I'm really happy to hear that you've noticed a difference, Pfinstegg. :)
Part of that difference is, ironically, identifying the ego states. It sounds like a step back, but it actually enabled me to be far more stable by helping me realize what's going on in my reactions, and by allowing each part to be more purposeful in its being "out", I suppose there's no better way of putting it. Although I wish there was.
I think my experience is different from yours. I think my experience is different from anyone in the known universe's. :( That's why I'm sometimes sure I can't exist as I know myself.
You said "I think the thing about ego state disorders is that you have hidden, mostly unconscious cut-off feeling states from childhood." At one point, the ego state was subconscious and definitely cut off. My awareness of it was minimal. But that has changed substantially and I'm the more stable for it.
You said "In day-to-day life, they don't ever make you seem like *another* person.". That isn't my experience. I want to be clear. I'm not claiming to have DID. I'm fully co-conscious and I have no lost time, no amnesia. And I sort of hate to say another person because it sounds so theatrical. But if I'm to follow your example of honesty, I'd have to say that it does make me seem like another person. The differences aren't enormously noticeable in day to day life. For one thing, both ego states spring from the same base source which naturally gives them common features. Both ego states are excessively worried about being good, both are rather conventional, there's no Eve White/Eve Black or Sybil thing going on. No one is going to note my ego state changes. For another thing, both because my emotional self doesn't like work and because it's difficult for my emotional self to type or read, there is a fair amount of consistency of which ego state is present at work and other similar situations. But given all those caveats and many more besides, I'd still probably have to say that in certain situations it's clear that I can seem like "another person" and that I certainly view myself that way. It mostly comes up when attitudes or likes and dislikes or world view is discussed. Most people probably just interpret it as capriciousness. But I'm not really changeable, each ego state is consistent. It's the ego states that change. A Babble friend was the first and only to notice it without my saying anything (which I rarely do). She was distressed by how different I was in my attitudes than how I usually was, and was worried about me. So I told her (which is something I don't generally announce).
So for example, my emotional self likes and trusts my therapist. My rational self thinks he's a money-obsessed hack and that it's enormously dangerous to be dependent or attached. Or, to the point in this discussion, my rational self thinks sex may not be as much fun as reading, but if I'm going to do it, it just as well be as pleasant as possible. While my emotional self thinks sex is a violation, is absolutely terrified, and sees any attempt to make sex more comfortable as facilitation, betrayal, procuring, etc. and is met with extreme anger.
My therapist gets extremely frustrated at my refusal to work cooperatively with myself. But when goals are so wildly divergent, how can you cooperate?
Since my emotional self is so distressed at the idea of sex therapy, my therapist thinks it's a bad idea, and moreover one unlikely to work because the problem isn't going to be addressed at its source. But he has made no real headway in discovering the source of my resistance, and I was hoping that a sex therapist would have more insight. I wasn't planning to go there and ask for positions or techniques. I was planning to go and ask about attitudes and fears and why it may be that I have these attitudes so that I can better address them. I was hoping a sex therapist would have special expertise and insight into the area that my therapist as a non-expert and a man to boot, wouldn't have. I am sorely disappointed that he isn't helping me in this endeavor. Well, maybe not disappointed. Disappointed would imply that I expected better from him. Angry.
poster:Dinah
thread:388732
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040905/msgs/389386.html