Posted by LG04 on September 12, 2004, at 12:47:41
In reply to Re: not sure i can / should keep doing this » shrinking violet, posted by Poet on September 10, 2004, at 13:26:24
This is a very interesting thread, I've read similar ones here in the last few months and they all apply to me and my therapist but I haven't responded b/c it is so complicated. also i suppose i am afraid that people here would say it's wrong, or unethical, or other such things, and i have my own fears so i am a bit afraid to hear others' opinions. (though I welcome them) I also didn't want to upset anyone who might wish that their therapist would open themselves up to becoming friends but because of their individual philosophy or whatever, won't allow it. So mostly I've kept quiet about this whole thing. But I do want to talk about it.
My therapist and I have developed a very close, deep relationship. In the course of therapy, I asked her a lot of questions about herself, and she always thoughtfully answered (it took months for me to ask though, and sometimes I had to take time between asking the next one...but i always wanted to know things about her, not even necessarily "factual" things but more personal, internal things, like if she cries a lot, or what makes her sad, or how she knows she can trust someone, or does she ever do bad things, things like that). I did also ask her more factual questions too though those were harder for me to know the answers to. Made her more real. but sometimes I wanted her to be more real so I'd ask those questions too.
About 9 months into our therapy, I understood that I was special to her in a different way than her other clients. That we had a different, more intense, closer relationship. This made me feel great yet at times was confusing too of course.
We dealt a lot with boundaries. Mostly she was good at them, often better than i wanted her to be :) I fought her boundaries sometimes and she really stuck to them. And, she never needed me, which was hard for me, as someone who likes to be needed and who also was uncomfortable with the unbalanced nature of our relationship. We talked about it a lot, how much the imbalance bothered me, even though i understood it, and understood its necessity in order for it to be truly therapeutic for me.
She was just always, 99.9% there when I needed her, which was a lot. I was living in a foreign country without a big support system. Friends killed in a terrorist attack. Lots of childhood abuse stuff coming up. I really needed her. I always had/have intense transference with her, though it's calming down a bit.
I left Israel several days ago, and we terminated. Our last session was very, very special. However, I am still calling her every other day. She is letting me call her this often and we will gradually reduce the frequency at a pace I can handle. (it's still very very sad for me, it's very different than meeting twice a week. but the termination hasn't been nearly as agonizing as it would have been if i knew i was saying goodbye forever. in fact, i don't think i could have made the decision to leave israel if i didn't know that she would still be there for me, even from the states. i simply could not have left. so i am eternally grateful that she is willing to continue with me in this way, for now). Eventually, she says, we need a cooling off period of 6 months to a year where we would speak maybe once a month (unfathomable to me right now), and my dependency on her will lessen considerably or (i hope) completely except to the degree that's normal in close relationships.
And then, she said, it is up to me to decide what to do about our relationship. In other words, if I want us to be friends, she is open to that. If I want her to be still like a therapist and just to call her a several times a month, or year, she is open to that. I talked to her about maybe having a different kind of friendship, one that is just between the two of us, rather than me ever meeting her family or her coming out with me and my other friends. It would always be just the two of us getting together. Something like that (and anyway, only on my visits a few times a year as I probably won't live in Israel again). There are many variations and options. I believe that I want her to be in my life forever, and I know she would like that too. But she says it's completely up to me, that it has to be according to what I want. And then we'd figure it out together. And that if I decide that I just want her to be someone in my mind, that is okay with her.
Everything JenStar said about reworking such a complicated relationship is true. It is scary to think about. What if I don't want to be her friend once I already am her friend? So many things. Will I feel that I "owe" her and then what if I can't be there for her? I like her being special to me in that "on a pedestal" way. There's no way she can live up to it. I can't imagine that she is as good of a friend as she is therapist, it's not possible to give the same undivided attention as a therapist does, and other things.
But I want to keep learning and growing from my relationship with her. it's a very deep, soul-kind of connection. I can't imagine her not being in my life. Just can't imagine it. She is so incredibly supportive of me. She knows me so well. It will be tricky for me to get her to know real well too, though in some ways i already do...but in so many ways i don't. But we'd take it at my pace, if that's what I want. She is giving me the control and that feels good and right and safe to me. For me, it might be worth all that work. I might prefer to rework our relationship than to start scratch with someone else. We have an incredible foundation already developed. I loved what Dinah recently wrote about commitment, about if what you have is "good enough," then working with that rather than starting over with someone else. I love working on my relationship with her, we communicate so well and so openly. I have many close, intimate friends, and it's helped me with my friends as well. (as therapy is supposed to)
The bottom line is, I don't know yet what will happen. I am still too dependent upon her and need her too much. I still have too much transference with her. A year is a long time away. This is a very good lesson for me in taking things as they come, not trying to predict or create outcomes. It's like trying to see over the mountain when you're still climbing it. You simply have to wait until you're at the top before you can go any further.
I know this situation wouldn't work for everyone. I've learned so much from reading threads on Babble, about different people's relationships with their therapists. I've also read a lot of books and i regularly read the Psychotherapy Networker magazine. Each relationship is so individual and so tailored to the individual's needs. Each therapist has their own philosophies and theories and ways of working. My therapist has never continued her relationship with a client after termination in any kind of significant way, so I feel secure that it has something to do with our relationship with each other. Some people would say it's unethical. Some would say it could be amazing. I have a friend who became very close friends with her therapist after termination and she said it's a wonderful friendship. So who's to say?
It all makes me nervous but I know I would be much worse if the option wasn't there. I couldn't deal with that. I need to know that my therapist will be in my life for as long as I need her to be, and in whatever way I need her to be. I think if we do continue after a cooling off period, it will be slow and careful. (it helps that we live across the world from each other!)
So that's my contribution to this discussion. I think my situation has its pros and its cons, but so far, it's what i need and it's working for me. i do have my fears about the future of our relationship, and i am sure it will be hard work if i choose to continue it. but maybe it would be harder to choose not to continue it. or sadder, or giving up something that could be so valuable and significant in my life, and learning to be intimate with her in a more mutual way, that could be a very meaningful and growth-producing experience for me (and her too, though she would say -- at least today -- that her needs are not the issue).
i guess only time will tell what happens next. I am too biased right now b/c of the dependency. so we'll see what happens.
Yes, relationships are so very complicated.
LG
poster:LG04
thread:388901
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040911/msgs/389980.html