Posted by sunny10 on November 4, 2004, at 12:40:10
In reply to Re: CBT vs. PDT(will probably trigger, sorry) » sunny10, posted by fallsfall on November 3, 2004, at 20:08:05
I really appreciate the feedback from you all. (A very long post here, sorry)
The biggest problem is that I don't KNOW what I need. I am what has been called a "long-cycle major depressive"- although one pdoc in the past wound up prescribing a Depakote and Desipramine combo, which my current T thinks would indicate that he thought I was bipolar. I'm not sure, tho, because I do know that we went through a lot of different meds that I simply couldn't "operate" with. The D& D combo was sort of a last resort kind of thing.
My body cannot handle too much med interference, though, I've been known to develop some side effects they never even heard of (? marketing excuses, maybe?). But I don't last on the meds for long. No, this isn't in my head. I had my tonsils removed when I was 3 1/2 yrs old because I couldn't tolerate the antibiotics.
And I don't NEED them on a day to day basis. Yes, I had a bad childhood, boohoo, and yes, life in 2004 is quite stressful. None of that is "in my head"- I don't make it up, I don't hallucinate, et cetera. What the pdoc has diagnosed is a "long cycle" in which my nuerotransmitters don't QUITE work up to speed, but they slowly lose effectiveness either shooting or uptaking the neurons. I am usually fine for about five years. By the start of the sixth year, I am hypomanic- making poorly thought out choices, et cetera. Which are in every way self-destructive.
I wind up messing myself up so badly that I literally have to start my life all over. New clothes, new job, et cetera. The last time, in that sixth year, I quit my job, dumped my boyfriend; throwing out every article of clothing this man saw me in (my contact lenses, everything)et cetera. Then the depression started when I realized what I've done- had no clothes, no job, no boyfriend, nothing except my 13 yr old son to support (and then me, with no job)... that time I got lucky. A friend of mine stopped by, took one look at me and sent me off to the T. The T stuck me into a day treatment center and the drug treatment starts again.But when I'm good for 5 yrs, chemically, I don't want to hurt my body with meds that I don't absolutely need. I am going to stay off of them for four years, then start up the lowest dose there is to "maintain" for a year until I can go off them again.
So, if I were to tell my T that being told to "practice thinking/reacting differently" method wasn't working (and where's the lesson book exactly- do I pull it out of my butt??), and that I hate this world/time we live in, she'll have the pdoc stick me right back on meds! A poor attitude which has been ingrained since childhood is NOT a chemical issue.
But you guys keep telling me that this life is worth wanting. I want to believe it, I just can't. Would a pyschoanalyst be able to "figure me out" so he can figure out HOW my psyche can be treated, not my chemicals??
thanks,
sunny10
poster:sunny10
thread:410838
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041104/msgs/411691.html