Posted by Smeegle on February 9, 2005, at 0:14:12
In reply to Re: Hospitalization stigma?, posted by sunny10 on February 8, 2005, at 16:33:10
Yeah, it does suck sometimes. I work with both a T and Pdoc, more closely with my pdoc lately due to serious suicidal thoughts. I have come so close so many times since my one failed attempt a little over two years ago. The most recent episode really scared me into action. I didn't know whether to call their emergency number (yeah, should've), drive myself to the hospital (figured it would be perceived as attention seeking...rational or irrational thinking?), wake the husband up (quite honestly he wouldn't have been able to deal with me in my state of mind), try to ride it out, or just get on with it. I chose to try to ride it out as long as possible. Since I had awakened at 3am with the idea that it was time (no trigger, no idea why...just that it was too much to deal with), I told myself just wait until the [Sunday] paper is delivered (perhaps a distraction would help), then see how I felt. Too agitated to read the paper, I tried reading, watching TV and a DVD. Couldn't concentrate. Bouncing off the walls! Finally around 6 or 7 am I called my mom who lives three hours away and told her I was heading over for a couple of days (thankfully was off work anyhow). Didn't tell her why (she would freak), just that I was off, didn't have any homework (night school...yuk) and just wanted to see her. She was suspicious but said come on over. I just knew I COULD NOT be alone. My pdoc has asked the usual questions as to whether I have a gun in the house, etc (none my preferred methods) and even asked me whether I felt the need to be hospitalized. Of course I said no. So far I have been able to ride it out. Put myself in a safe place (even when the people I get around have no clue that their very presence is saving my life) until it passes. It always does. I am just afraid of that day when it doesn't pass and when I have no safe place to be, no one to call. Will I make the right decision (to pick up the phone). Then I have to call my pdoc and let him make the decision.
I have a difficult (and nosey) boss. To be out of work would create a hardship (like I should care when we are talking about my life, but I do care even if I do detest my job...it's more about work ethics). We have strict HIPAA rules at work so she cannot ask questions (I have already reported her twice for asking too many questions and my next step will be a formal grievance...and that's just over a surgery I have coming up in two months. It's none of her business and I want to keep it that way. Additionally, she is a major gossip hound and within hours I know she would have made the rounds to tell everyone (not paranoid...this is 100% fact). I need the job. Being a cancer survivor I cannot be without insurance. Also, my insurance covers psychiatric benefits 100%, no deductible, no copay. I also qualify for short and long term disability at work if needed.
I know we have a outpatient day program close to where I live. I have no idea where they send psychiatric patients while inpatient. Sometimes it actually sounds like a good idea to get away from all the stressors in my life and just focus on me and only me. It has come up recently with my pdoc so I know if I don't improve it is a distinct possibility. I just hope my new med helps (Geodon...four or five days in and I still can't tell). All I know is today was bearable and I hope tomorrow is too. One day at a time.
Smeegs
poster:Smeegle
thread:454802
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050206/msgs/455260.html