Posted by frida on May 1, 2005, at 12:24:52
*warning talks about abandonment, death, etc*
Hi..
I just thought I'd post something...
I'm having very intense feelings and an overwhelming sadness when I think about my T and I wish I could find some peace of mind.
I feel a lot for those who have to terminate T...
i guess that has triggered off part of these feelings too...I've developed a very close, intimate relationship with my T, over the past 4 years. It took me a lot of time to overcome my difficulties to speak, I would sit there unable to say a word. I was sexually abused as a child and after all this time, she's the first person I'm telling face to face..At the moment I'm finally verbalizing what happened (with lots of difficulties and steps backwards)..
In the past I had so much trouble to leave her place and feel her with me or internalize her...or believe her...
nowI do feel her with me and I believe that she does care about me, and that she wants me to share with her and she won't hurt me.
SHe's shown me that I can trust her, she's done so much for me. I love her very much.
In a way, she's shown me what a mother's love should be.
sometimes I lose this sense of safety and I start feeling scared that she might abandon me or that maybe it is not real, our bond..but I've talked to her about it, i tell her every time and she reassures me and I do believe her...but lately, now that I'm sharing about the abuse, it is getting a bit more painful, I've been having nightmares of her leaving me after I tell, and I feel very scared of that.
In a way, I feel that I will only find relief if i somehow take her with me to the moment after feelings , and if she can feel it with me and help me heal that hurt somehow, the hurt of never telling or never allowing myself to feel because it meant punishment.Getting so close to her and having developed this relationship scares me a lot. I trust her, and I believe she cares about me...and she can read my heart so well, and she's the first person I can be real with, and she's been through so much with me...so so much. I've grown a lot with her. She's seen me through so much...
and the way she reads my heart or connects to me is so new to me that it's almost magical. I feel such a deep, pure connection.I've been thinking about how painful it would be to lose her, and to lose that bond...that is one of the reasons why I'm feeling so much anxiety when I can't talk ..because I feel as if i'm losing a precious chance...
I don't feel that she'll terminate me, or anything...
But I can't help thinking (I might be silly for thinking about these things) that she might die or something may happen to her..
I'm 29, she's around 60 now, and I feel scared that she might die. It's like I want to be reassured or know that she's okay..that her health is okay and that nothing will happen to her.I guess it all comes from a very painful fear of abandonment..now that i'm telling her and starting to talk and feel...
i feel like a little girl.
I've been crying and just saying out loud: please please don't abandon meI don't know if any of this makes sense.
I Just feel very scared at the possibility of losing her. I tell myself that it won't happen, and that she's healthy and she won't die. I won't lose her...but just the thought makes me heart race and makes me cry.
sorry if this doesn't make much sense.
There is so much work I still haveto do with my T...
I fear that for some reason all this will always stay inside of me and I can't live like that...and it took me so long to feel trust...years to be able to speak..
and I was so lucky to find her, she's so loving, caring and giving....she accepts me completely, she gives me unconditional support, and she made me feel safe for the first time in my whole life.
I'm aware that she may die someday, and the thought terrifies me and makes me wish I could die before. I Know I might be silly for thinking about these things...
I should just focus day-to-day...but I've been thinking a lot about that lately and it hurts.
I know that nothing is certain and I could die tomorrow too, or she could, but I guess I just feel like a little girl and would like to know that she won't die and she'll stay and I won't lose her..and she'll be ok. I woke up today feeling a great need to know if she's okay.i'm just very scared, I guess.
thank you for reading this!
just rambling
Frida
poster:frida
thread:492314
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/492314.html