Posted by Annierose on November 14, 2005, at 17:37:33
In reply to Re: Knowing and not knowing... » Annierose, posted by Pfinstegg on November 14, 2005, at 12:33:28
I wasn't sure if it was okay to post this here, but it pertained to my above angst, so I hope it's okay.
I was extremely agitated today in session. I could barely stay still. I did ask her if I mattered right off. And she reassured me that I did matter, several times. It didn't feel enough. She told me that she liked working with me, I asked "why?" She replied, "I like you. I feel like I can help you. I want you to live your life without your past burdening you (something like that). I feel like I can hold your hand and help you cross that divide." She really tried.
I keep pushing back. When she tried to reach me with psychological terms, I stopped her in mid-sentence, "Don't even go there. When you sterlize this relationship with clinical terms I just hate it. I want to know if you think of me outside this office, if I am a human in your life, not just an appointment slot." I think I surprised her in some ways with all my angst. She responded to all of it in a calm voice, sometimes trying to use humor, sometimes trying to reasssure me. She said, "I'm not a robot. Of course I have feelings. I couldn't work this closely with you and not care. And yes, I do think of you in my real life, outside this office." She seems to want to know where all of this is coming from, the "why now?" questions. I don't know. She wanted to know if her upcoming vacation bothered me, and I told her I'm always worried when we don't see each other. I think it only bothers me more because I am going through such a rough patch right now.
I feel like I tried to beat her up today. I felt bad. I called a few hours later and left an apology on her machine. I let her know that I was sorry for my behavior, and I am committed to working through this with her. And I know we will get there together. But I guess a part of me is holding back. And I wish she could just reach out and pull me through to the other side.
Thank you to everyone who helped me this past weekend.
poster:Annierose
thread:577897
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/578717.html