Posted by daisym on December 11, 2005, at 0:06:53
In reply to CSA and our children **trigger?**, posted by antigua on December 9, 2005, at 13:17:41
Antigua,
I think there is a universal rule about talking to children about hard subjects. Ask them what they might want to know.
When you have the opportunity, (I find driving in the car to work well) ask him if he ever worries about your depression, or mood swings or illness or whatever you typically call it. He might say "no" -- but he might say sometimes. If he says no -- I think the follow up is, "that surprises me. I know that sometimes I'm a total crab and it must be hard on you, being the oldest." I might also refer to the television commercials that are everywhere right now, if you watch TV. My 14 year old asked me why I didn't just take one of those pills so I'd be all better. I asked him why he thought I was depressed and he said he had heard dad and I talking. So -- your son may already have more information than you think.
As far as specifically talking about the csa, I don't know. For me I can't see ever telling my boys. But they have a positive relationship with my dad -- he is a much better Grandfather than I ever expected. Since we live on opposite ends of the country, I feel no need to disrupt that. I'm much more concerned with how they view my behavior now.
I think being a teenager is really hard and they are so self-centered that we can't assume that they want to know such hard information. But I think opening lots of conversations so that they can ask questions, give opinions or even be hostile if they need to is important. I even think it is OK to "push" a little, but using lots of I statements. One of the hardest things I ever had to hear was my youngest's fear about his dad dying. And I couldn't tell him his fear was unfounded. And perhaps worse, his fear that he made life in our house worse, because his dad was "mean and angry" at him all the time. At least he said all of this in a therapy session so we had help sorting it out for him. But it was heart breaking that I couldn't protect him from the hard truth. But what I could do is help him see that none of this was his fault and no matter how good he was, his dad might still be mean and angry sometimes. We gently reminded him that not everything was about him.
I guess you have to ask yourself what purpose will it serve to give out this kind of information. Do they need to know why? Does that make it easier for them to accept the behavior of their mom? And what will you do or how will you feel if your son says, "that was a long time ago, you should be over it by now." Because to him, it *was* a long time ago. The one other factor that may come up for him is whether he will inherent depression or alcoholism or any other illness that he observes in your family. Kids learn about genetics in high school these days. If this is a question, it might be more important to disclose the real reasons for your suffering.
I guess I have more questions than answers for you. YOU know your child(ren) better than anyone. But you are a good mother and you do right by those kids. So whatever you choose to do I'm sure you will do it with sensitivity and grace.
poster:daisym
thread:587351
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/587952.html