Posted by fallsfall on January 1, 2006, at 10:34:23
In reply to OMG. Am I too needy?, posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 9:21:40
> I just showed the above post to my husband, after he asked, "Are you okay?" (duh, look at my face, bucko!).
*** The whole point is that you are NOT OK.
>
> So, we ended up talking about HIS sh*t!
>
> And essentially, I'm too needy. He's tapped out. I missed the boat. S*cks to be me.*** Let's reframe this:
I'm too needy -> He's not supportive enough
He's tapped out -> sucks to be him
Sucks to be you -> yes, it really does, that's why you need his support.>
> ARGHHHHHHHH!
>
> See, I had no faith that trying to talk to him about it would make any difference in feeling supported.*** Maybe he doesn't know what to do. Maybe he doesn't know how to support you. Can you tell him specific things that he can do ("listen to me whine for 45 minutes about how the arrangements aren't coming together", "Hold me and tell me that you love me", "Agree with me that it hurts to have my grandmother die", "Go to the store for my favorite ice cream")? Can you say "I don't know what I need you to do, but I need to know that you are willing to keep me company through this"?
>
> So my question is: Am I too needy? Am I being selfish?*** No.
>
> So help me, if my T says, "I told you so" about my husband's lack of empathy and emotions, I'm going to punch him.
>*** Hmmm, my therapist draws the line at physical contact...
> gg
((((((((((GG))))))))))
I am talking in therapy about vulnerability and strength. How I grew up believing that being vulnerable (i.e. not perfect, needy) was a bad thing. How a particular person in my life accepted my vulnerability for the first time in my life, and how I need to have that vulnerability now (in my typical black and white fashion).
I'm trying to get my arms around the concept that I can be strong and vulnerable at the same time. In your case that would mean that you do the communicating with your siblings and comfort your dad while needing comfort yourself. Maybe I'm not the only one who has trouble seeing these things happen at the same time. Maybe your husband thinks that if he is going to support you that he also has to handle all of the strong things that you are doing. Maybe it isn't that he can't support YOU, but that he can't support both you and all the things that you need to do. You don't need him to console your dad, you only need him to console you so that you can have the strength to console your dad.
Plus, it sounds like you think that there are old hurts that are coming up in response to current issues. I could see why that kind of pain could be a bit overwhelming for your husband (after all, it is a bit overwhelming for YOU). Can you recognize what is old pain and what is new pain? Can you compartmentalize the old pain and try to deal with that in therapy. Does this make any sense?
You absolutely have a right to your pain (old and new). The question is how can you marshall your supports to help you with this pain?
(There is something in the back of my mind about your grandmother deciding that she didn't want to live any more... Is this a background issue for you?)
((((((((((GG))))))))))
poster:fallsfall
thread:593914
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/593927.html