Posted by gardenergirl on January 1, 2006, at 7:46:10
I'm calmer now. But I spent about 90 minutes this a.m. sobbing to the point I thought I would break in two and my head would explode from all the sinus pressure. Uhhhh
My grandmother's death is bringing back old patterns and old hurts out the wazoo. Plus, hubby is giving me the cold shoulder lately due to something he's mad about, I assume....I have no energy to try to talk to him about it right now. So he's no source of support.
But all this waiting...both before and after her death waiting on details of services, etc. so I can make plans... has been hard. And I've been the one to try to stay on top of it. I've been the one calling my dad to check in on him and offer support. I've been the one who had to tell my sibs and has to keep them in the loop. I've been the one checking in on everyone on how they're doing.
Who's asking me about how I'm feeling?
(I know y'all are, but I mean IRL and from the people who are "supposed to".)
I asked myself that, and asked myself why hubby has not really offered any support or comfort. My last living grandparent just died, for heaven's sake! Shouldn't someone be comforting and supporting ME????????
And it just brought on these waves and waves and waves of past grief.
Because that's how it's always been.
As long as I can remember. I'm the one directing the circling of the wagons and making sure that everyone is accounted for, doing okay, and is safe. No one's helping me. No one's making sure I'm accounted for, okay, and safe, because of course, I must be, right?
Oh, I can't believe how badly this hurts. Please God, is there some pill or something else that I can do to make this pain go away?
Thank God I have therapy tomorrow.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:593914
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/593914.html