Posted by alexandra_k on January 6, 2006, at 22:13:32
In reply to Re: I think I've decided how I feel » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2006, at 18:14:59
i know things have been hard for you. and i know that is an understatement. things have been really really really really very very hard for you. and that you have been struggling. and that you have been taking a lot of medication to help yourself through.
but.
remember what happened? (don't dwell on it). my point is... given recent events... given the upheval in your life... ANYONE would be having a really very hard time of it. and that is not to undermine your pain or struggle at all. it is to attempt to go some way towards normalising it.
you are stronger than you think, dinah.
you are a rock...
you are very nearly as solid as dr-bob methinks...
even when sh*t was going on for you...
even when you stepped down from moderating...
if something happened...
you pulled through
and did what you needed to do
and thats not to say that inside... things weren't really very jolly hard.
but that is to say you are one hell of a lot stronger than you think.
i used to feel really very afraid for you.
for what you might do if something happened to your therapist
but things sorta did happen a little like that
and...
you pulled through.
not to say it wasn't really very very hard.
but you pulled through.
you are one hell of a lot stronger than you think.> When push comes to shove, I'm not even on his radar, prioritywise. His family and his own wellbeing is. And that makes sense.
yes. it makes sense...
but...
from your point of view...
it is going to hurt.
and it is understandable that it is going to hurt.
because you love him.
and you want him to be there
so you can feel good around him
safe and secure
forever.he might like you a whole bunch...
but he does not really love you.
but then
by the same token
you do not really love him either.
you love the way you feel sometimes
when you are around him
and to you that feeling...
arises magically from his presence
and cannot be obtained
except from a few very special people who pop up every now and then in your life
but i think...
i think...
that feeling arises 'magically' because...
he is totally focused on you
on validating your feeling
on doing everything he can to have you feel that special way
and that is what is
addictive
that keeps you going back
because you think you can only get that from him
and if he isn't around then you are afraid you will never feel that way again.
it keeps you going back
and i know you said he protested your attachment...
at times...
but it really does gotta feel kinda good for the ego when someone seems to love you the way you seem to love him
only it is not real love...
because...when he isn't able to validate you
when he isn't able to validate you totally
when things come up for him and he is unable to do that
then you don't feel connected
then you feel frustrated
then... you feel angrybecause... you think he has the power to make you feel better
if only he woulddinah
i really think you deserve better
than being so totally dependent on someone who is only going to leave you one day because...
that is life.
and it isn't choosing between him or going solely alone...
interdependence is best
but not dependence on one individual
and not dependence on oneself alone
interdependence with different people
with different aspects of the environment
about fostering those feelings in response to a variety of people
a variety of things
so if something happens to one
for a time or perminantly
then it is not the end of the world
or more importantly
it won't hurt so goddamned muchbecause...
you are stronger than you think
and i would really like to see you get better
and yeah it might be hard
but i think you can do itand i don't know that he is helping so much as encouraging you to remain dependent on him
and
that will only result in hurt
rage
pain
:-(
you deserve better> My therapist says that T3's style and philosophy are very helpful for a number of types of clients. That it can be very empowering. But that in his opinion, it's not right for everyone.
and that he would rather... you continue to see him...
take the power back...
thats what i think you need to do...because...
he can do what he likes really...
you are there...
waiting...
and i think that is something we inherit...
an ideal we inherit...
the devoted woman
but i think it lets the guy get away with one hell of a lot...
and it involves self sacrifice
for what?
furthering anothers interests?therapy is supposed to be about you...
but it isn't supposed to be about what you think you want... what you think you need...
it is supposed to be about helping you coaxing you cajoling you talking to you figuring out relatively objectively what would be best for you
so that you can function better with your relationships in the real world.
not so you can be magically fed these good feelings when your therapist is in the mood
nope.
> I don't want to be that lonely.its not about being lonely...
its about learning how to feel happy and connected and attached to a variety of people and a variety of things. i feel a wonderful sense of connection with a variety of people... with a variety of things... sometimes in response to nature... sometimes with myself... oftentimes with people off the boards... i need to get better at fostering that... i think... everybody does? but why foster that, why work towards fostering that if you believe you just need to be with your t to magically get that feeling?i don't know that he is helping you get better...
feel happier...
be a stronger person...i think he is fostering your sickness...
by keeping you dependent...i do.
fwiw...> My therapist believes that it's worth taking the risk to care about others, and to depend on others, even if you get hurt.
so that you need to continue to care about him?
i'm sure he does...
i think it is unwise to depend on one other person so much...
to give them the power to hurt you so very very very much... if something should happen to them.
i think someone who really cared about you would try and help you become interdependent with different people and different things so that if anything happened to them... you would hurt yes. but not hurt so very very much as you have.> That people are interdependent and that that's a good thing. That what she was saying *was* a lonely sad thing. But that it also wasn't either/or and that there were a very few times when you have to face things alone.
i think she is in to interdependence too...
the difference seems to me to be that no matter how much your therapist *says* he is into interdependence in practice, with his *actions* he seems to encourage you to be solely dependent on him...i don't think she wants you to face things alone...
i think she wants to help you figure out how to be interdependent with a variety of people / things...
ultimately...
harder work
but more helpful to you.because...
you jolly well can be a rock, dinah.
and i wish to god i had that.
i wish to god i could be like that.
but my personality...
makes that a little too variable
and rocks aren't supposed to fly out from under youand thats not to say that everything is okay on the inside...
but it is to say that you could lead a damned good life dinah
with lots of meaningful connections...
i just want something better for you is all.
sorry if i hurt :-(
poster:alexandra_k
thread:595305
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/596050.html