Posted by Susan47 on January 11, 2006, at 15:12:51
In reply to Re: I did the work, posted by Alex Elliott on January 11, 2006, at 8:38:50
> Hi Susan,
>
> I'm a bit late to the thread and new to the board, but I've been reading your story with great interest. My heart goes out to you. I'm thinking of you with great compassion.
>
> I've just lived through something very similar. I was also obsessed with a T and I decided to terminate to get away from him. I'd written him hundreds of letters and, at the height of my obsession, I'd often write him 7 times a day. One letter would negate or clarify the next. I was in a kind of tightening spiral. It was a really dark period.
>
Yeah, and it's best never to leave a trail of what you wrote either. Because all that shite is just too painful to read, until you're a long emotional distance from it.
> Something that helped me was to think in terms of CBT and nueral pathways in the brain. --That I was strengthening my obsession every time I wrote him a letter. I decided to practice *not writing*.
>
I tried to practice *not calling*, but every single time, if it was a matter of seconds, minutes, hours and, lately, days .. even weeks, when I was in India.. but it was different there, because I was a Lifetime away from him then, and that was okay, it was all right. I made it out alive, I totally made it, even better than before, and then finally, I was able to start working on the concept that yes, I would survive. Because before that the calls were keeping me alive. If he'd been able to cut me off, I would've completely panicked, devastated I think even to the point of having to be hospitalized, I don't know thank god the trip to India came up. It was, like, I think two YEARS of hell, pure and gross agony which I walked through pretty much alone, I think.
> Another thing that helped was to look at the situation with an eye to my own dark side. My hunger for his attention was bottomless and therefore quite terrible! I spent time analyzing it and thinking about the transference angle + things the T did "wrong," --But those meanderings can go on forever (especially if you're obsessive!).
Oh yes, I SO know what you're talking about. I was extremely obsessive with my thoughts for many years, since I was a teen really ... it always felt like my father would be able to kill me, that he would, and I think I just worried myself into a state of eternal agony over that, which drove the obsessive thinking, then behaving ... I was really sick, but it isn't till you're better that you can see that, which is really sad, because right now I wonder how much the "better" is going to last .. you see? I'm starting to think obsessively, right now.
It's a matter of constant vigilance. I'm going to go take a pnt 200 right now.
>
> The obsession isn't over -- I still have many fantasies of him daily, but I'm feeling better.I'm feeling fabulous, I only fantasize about the next time I'll ever, if I ever do, see him. That's all. I think that must still be an awful worry for me. Ew, just the idea of seeing myself reflected badly in the eyes of somebody I think so kindly of, it's just a need I have to think kindly of him. I like to think he's a nice person, a worthy friend to good people and not someone who is all that AND feels sick at the sight or thought of broken me. Which I was, and could still be I guess, I mean, I just have to take care of my heart and my mind and my soul from now on, and my physical body, I can't slide ever again, it's too hurtful and painful and everything. This time the trip was worth it for me, hurtful to many others, and if it ever happened again though, I don't know how worth it it would be, it wouldn't be worth repeating. I'm where I want to be and my family is all the stronger for it and so am I and it feels good, but to be disrespected and thought of unkindly would be unbearably painful. I can't afford to "hate" myself, not ever, not again.. thanks AE, I really hope you get through this being stable too.
Just post here if it helps, really and truly.
poster:Susan47
thread:592087
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/597997.html