Posted by littleone on January 15, 2006, at 20:52:40
In reply to Re: Feeling better (trigger) » littleone, posted by daisym on January 14, 2006, at 17:02:27
> Strange -- yesterday and today I feel better, like a weight has come off. I don't feel hugely needy, actually not needy at all. It feels like something shifted and I can let go of my therapist. I've been productive too -- got the taxes organized, bills paid, laundry done. Today I got all the billing for work done and most of the report that is needed at year end is now down. It feels good to be wrapping things up.
> Sometimes I think I get less needy when I decide that I don't want to live in pain anymore so I'm eiher going to end therapy or my life. Sorry to be so blunt. But once I get to that place, I start organizing, catching up, getting things ready.
Hi daisy,
I was going to say that I felt a bit topsy turvy and didn't understand what had happened here. But I think I do understand. "like a weight has come off" says a lot I think.
That's a very strong defence you have there. I completely missed it and thought you really were feeling better. It reminds me of my turtle defence, except you're holding up a paper face on a stick while you withdraw. Makes your withdrawal even less noticeable.
I just re-read all that and it sounds very cold. I don't mean it that way, I'm just having trouble with finding the words. I guess I was saying that stuff to ask you if you could see what you were doing. And I guess how it ultimately hurts you. Therapy is about overcoming past patterns. It looks like you did fall into your past pattern, but then pulled out of it. I'm glad you were able to do that. Sometimes it's hard to see the baby step progress we've made.
I'm glad you decided to be blunt. Blunt is good. And I'm sorry you're in a place that required you to be that blunt.
I do remember how unwell you were feeling a while ago. I tried posting a bundle of times but just couldn't find the words. I need a Babble Draw feature or something.
I thought I would share with you something my T wrote in his long letter. He was talking about things we still need to work on and then he says:
"All of this has the central purpose of helping you feel comfortable in the world, feel part of the world and enjoy the experience of living."
Enjoy the experience of living. I know I definately don't enjoy living. And I often would rather be dead. And I can't see that I ever will enjoy the experience of living.
But my T believes I can and will do this one day. It is what he/we are working towards. And even on the days when I can't see that goal at all and I have no hope in things ever being better, I just have to do one thing. I just have to trust my T to hold enough hope for both of us.
Which is hard. It's hard to keep going forward when you can't see where you're going or even why you're trying to get there.
Your T does believe the pain will ease one day right? He does believe you will enjoy the experience of living right? Maybe he needs to share some of his hope with you daisy.
I don't want you to die. I think you're such a sweet person. The world is a nicer place with you here. And I think ending therapy would hurt you more than help you. I don't like seeing you hurt.
I wish I could take your pain away.
poster:littleone
thread:595088
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060110/msgs/599460.html