Posted by Larry Hoover on May 18, 2006, at 8:55:01
In reply to Re: DID no longer » serena11, posted by kerria on May 18, 2006, at 1:50:29
> Thank you Serena for sharing. i will definately look up that website. i'm a Christian and have found so much condemnation about having DID- especialy from my h. "Why would God use that (DID) to protect you from trauma?" he says and feels it was so unfair for me to marry him when i was so messed up (like i knew or could help it)...anyways, it's good to see someone have a positive ending.
Oh, kerria, I don't know how you can live with that condemnation. Would he use the same arguments if you came home, one day, with a diagnosis of diabetes? Why would God use that? Would he accuse you of hiding that, too?
The fact that I dissociate did not show itself to the world, let alone to me, in any significant way, until some major stressors occurred when I was 38 years old. For almost four decades, nobody really had *any* idea that was the case. When I raged, people told me it was like I turned into a different person, but I just tried not to rage very much. The last person I punched, I punched when I was 15 years old. Stuff like. I tried to keep it all "mine". I tried to do damage control. But still, I was 38, when I broke it again.
You didn't hide this from anybody. Something happened, and now it matters.
You are a very strong person. I know that one day, you will know that, too.
> now i'm so much a mess- therapy has made me worse and more separated than ever.
>
> You said that you were better when you acknowledged the parts and then right away they left- after you dissallowed them or disowned them - i think i see- because they aren't needed for you any longer.
> Is that how it happened?Since I'm already talking....I know you asked her, but it was that way for me. The simple act of that acknowledgement caused the gaps between the fragments to disappear. There were never boundaries between my fragments, in the first place. There were gaps. Like deep cracks. Voids. Somehow, experience itself could not leap across the empty space. When I saw what it was, this cracked ego, the observation itself triggered a progressive closing of the gaps. Experience filled itself in, and the fragmented ego pieces re-integrated with the main me. Like the mating of a zipper. I zipped up.
Now, that's me looking back at it. I can honestly say that the experience itself was the most horrific thing I could ever imagine. During the process of reintegration, I had the sense of simultaneous but incongruent experiences. The fragments had distinct memories, and vocabularies, and I had different versions of my life, all jumbled together, for a good few hours. I remember concluding that this was it. This is what it feels like to lose your mind. I was completely ungrounded during those few hours. It was a blur. I was so f*cking scared.
I went to bed, and slept (surprising, eh?), and when I awoke, I was startled. Almost startled again, more than I have ever known. I was New and Improved Lar. I had a confidence, and a competency feeling, that is almost indescribable.
The main work had been building a cognitive scaffold from which I was able to observe a triggered event. I had to be triggered to fix it. I knew that much. What amazed me was that all it took to fix it was observing it.
For the last decade, I felt very much like Humpty Dumpty. I felt like my shell was all jumbled up, as I tried to heal what I had left of me. But that night, when the gaps closed, it was like the pieces rearranging themselves, and restoring the original shell. Only then did I realize that I'd lived my whole existence with a broken shell. Oh, yes, I broke anew, just under 11 years ago. That's when I thought I became Humpty Dumpty. But no, it goes back to before my memories begin.
I'm not physically well yet. And sure, I have some confusing moments when those "what used to be fragments" thinking processes occur, but it's pretty darn cool to have multiple processing capacity, built in. My brain is now a parallel processor. <grinnage> There's always a silver lining. ;-)
> Probably i still need my parts - even if i could meet them- my life is still needing parts to escape to in order to survive. No one understands- therapy makes me worse. i'll see if i can find someone here that does that kind of therapy. Also to find support because you can't live in a place of non support- hearing criticizm inside and outside also and have to have no help to deal with flashbacks, terrible stuff, etc.
You are quite correct about that. I hope you are listening to you.
> You are like a superhero!
>
> kerriaAnd you are like a superhero in training.
Hugs,
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:644880
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/645435.html