Posted by Racer on May 24, 2006, at 18:45:45
It came up again, since I had yet another nightmare about the whole agency from hell experience. I have them periodically, much more frequently than I am comfortable admitting even to my T. It came at a time my depression was much worse, and my anxiety sky high, etc. You know, the time when you least need, but are most likely to have nightmares?
Anyway, today in therapy, I brought this up, including how profoundly ashamed I am that I'm still not over it all. So much so that I apparently didn't let her know that it is there all the time, still. We talked a little about that, although it's still my fault, but I realized something about it despite being, you know, insane: Part of the reason this is so damaging to me is that my self image cannot handle the concept that I really was so powerless that I couldn't have done anything at all to protect myself. Even if it means that I have to blame myself for bad events, it's still easier than admitting I had no control at all.
Funny thing, is that I feel helpless so often, but every time I do, I have to do that whole, 'but that's only a feeling -- you aren't *really* helpless, you're just [insert negative attribute here]' thing. Actually being helpless, though? When my T was trying to tell me that I had been completely powerless, that someone else had victimized me while I was vulnerable, I tried that on and got sick. I nearly was sick in her office, it was so powerful.
I'm not liking life right now, and I'm dreading our trip to the marriage counselor, where we're going about the time I finish typing this. Then again, I'm dreading most all of life anyway, so there's nothing particularly special about this...
poster:Racer
thread:648011
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/648011.html