Posted by ElaineM on January 17, 2007, at 22:43:09
In reply to Re: small update **trig small abuse » ElaineM, posted by MidnightBlue on January 16, 2007, at 23:52:46
>>>>>>Here are the reasons why *I* would be nervous:
2) what if I go to the sessions and they make me feel bad, because I have to lie about/avoid talking about relationship with current T.I share this one. I signed up to talk about other stuff, but (if I could be 100%uncensored) I could see him coming into my converation at some point. It's hard to share enough to feel unburdened, but be discreet enough not to reveal his identity, or incriminate him so much that the listener just won't let the idea of uncovering his identity, or reporting him, go.
3) what if I go to the sessions and the other people are so much "healthier" than I am and I feel like a complete loser?
Actually, I worry the opposite. That I'm gonna be a big fat whining baby, and others will have gone through something infinately worse. I worry that my story would seem like it's mocking theirs.
4) what if I don't like the people in the group, or they don't like me?
I always fear that people don't like me. I'm sure they don't. I suppose I don't need people to like me - I just really really don't want them to hate me. And we'll be really close to each other sitting in a group. I can't stand people seeing me so close. I've always refused to wear glasses cause I like not seeing people - cause it tricks me into thinking that they see just as blurry and can't really see me either. But when people are nearer I start to see them in focus - I hate it. It scares me so much. And I'll worry that they'll hate me cause I'm ugly.
5) what if going to the group sessions make me feel more unstable? Isn't the status quo good enough?
I worry that, because it's a short term, time-limited thing, that I'll only just start to feel comfortable and then I'll have to leave and be alone again. And I also fear that (because I know when the end will be) that it'll make me not be able to talk at all. I'm not good talking anyways. Usually just lone sentences. (I almost got kicked out of treatment before cause I couldn't put together spontaneous narratives like everyone else.) And I get so paralyzed with social anxiety that my brain seriously turns off. They thought that I was being withholding on purose. But really, I can barely remember how to put words together.
6) what if seeing another T (at the group) makes current "t" increase his unwanted pleas for me to be "faithful" to him? What if I upset my current "t"? Am I good enough to place my own needs in an uncertain basket and feel confident about it, or do I need my current "t" to continue to carry the basket of my needs around with him?
He doesn't know about the things I'd be talking about there. Plus, I'd never tell him I was going. If I make it there, he'll never know.
7) change in my routine
This one would be hard -- but I'd do my best to deal with it. I never know when I'm gonna have a downward health turn. I don't usually leave my place then. I have other issues with what my "routine" has to be, but I don't talk about that facet much.
8) I'm not used to talking about myself, my issues. It's been a while now.
This one I never thought of before, though now that you brought it up, it's very much true. It's been ages - plus i'm so used to worrying about saying something that would make T cry, or make him hug or hold me. I don't know if I'd be able to work on my being so wary of others before the group was over with. I worry everything I say is somehow the wrong thing. I'm glad it's a woman though, cause I worry that even sad or disgusting things sound provocative to a man (no offense. Probably just the ones I've come in contact with throughout my life)
And I REALLY fear that I'll slip up and mention T's name, or suggest where his practise is, by accident. I don't want to ruin his life and mine in the process (cause I couldn't tolerate living with the knowledge that I'd done that). But sometimes I feel like I'm almost aching to tell someone everything. I really felt it last time I emailed LadyT. I made myself stop sending them (even though she said I could). It comes and goes, but I worry I'll lose control that way.
>>>>>just a few of my own neurotic thoughts. Do you share any of them?
I guess I do. Thanks for writing it out Li. I understand things better when I read them. And you helped turn a massive, generalized sense of fear and doom, into something more nameable and smaller pieces. Thanks :)
Midnight: I promise that as long as I'm not in alot of pain that I won't back out without at least checking it out in person. And I'm always sincere about my pain - I never use it as an excuse, if it's not 100% valid, cause if I reduce it to an avoidance tactic, I only mock myself and how difficult the pain is to tolerate when it really is there.
Update: Latest test results were good :') Thank goodness. Almost over with.
blove, El
poster:ElaineM
thread:721410
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/723457.html