Posted by RealMe on September 5, 2007, at 23:14:15
It is late and so most people are probably already in bed. Anyway, I had therapy today (Wednesday), and as much as I suggested I might get angry with my T, I did not intend to once I arrived. Then, the time started passing, and again we started late. I went back to sitting in the chair furthest away from him which of course he observed. I did not want to tell him why I was upset until it was verified---that here we go again, start late and end on time which says to me there is something wrong with me that he would rather not see me for the entire session. Previously, not that long ago, when I said it was happening every session or most sessions, he ended up not charging me for a sesson. That was not my point, and he was not sure why it happened. I am his first appointment of the day at 6:45 a.m. And he has some right after me, after we end at 7:30 a.m.
So, he was five minutes late with us getting started, and the whole session was a disaster with him trying to find out what was wrong, and me saying "I'll tell you on Friday." Of course he wanted to know know. Then he tried to joke with me, and he said, "RealMe, come out and play with me." He does not know yet how much that ended up being a trigger becuase my mother would always say that you don't go knock on someone's door to ask if so and so can come out to play. If they want to play with you, they will see you and come out. How warped is that. So I grew up thinking no one really wanted to play with me and thought I had to watch to see if anyone came outside, and then run outside. My mother's motto was "You don't bother other people with anything." She was a bit paranoid. So when my T said to "come out and play with him," I started sobbing. What a dope; I hate to do that. So, then at the end of the session I looked at the clock, and he had given me the extra time over our normal quitting time. I was shocked and told him when I went out the door what it was about and how upset I was that I wasted a whole session. Thing is if I told him I would never know if he gave me all my time because I notice we started late, or was it because he noticed we started late. Later, I was crying to myself as I decided this is so juvenile and stupid. How could I let one person mean so much to me and have so much influence. I felt like I acted like a child who doesn't get as much ice cream as the other children in the family.
Now I know what Friday will bring, and I am so embarrassed. I just wanted to share as I know most people will understand.
RealMe
(OzLand)
poster:RealMe
thread:781066
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070904/msgs/781066.html