Posted by Dinah on June 6, 2008, at 20:32:36
I did what I said I was going to do. I walked in and said I wanted to talk about something that might make him annoyed. That I was so afraid of termination, because I really thought of it as *termination*. And that I thought it might be a good idea to talk about what would happen.
He was actually proud of me, I think. Or pleased with me or something.
He's no idiot of course. He said he was afraid that if we talked about it, I would assume that it was because he was preparing me for termination. He said he had no intention or desire to terminate me, and didn't foresee terminating me. We agreed to discuss it purely as a way to reduce my fears, with the understanding that it didn't mean he was thinking of terminating me.
I reminded him of T2 and T3 and how poorly they thought of my emotional self and some of the things they said. (He remembered what T3 said better than I did actually.) He said that it might be hard to find a therapist who didn't think they were supposed to fix me. He smiled when I insisted I wasn't broken. I'm not quite sure why. But he said he knew a few people whose style was similar to his, and said that if he talked to them first and made sure they understood, then he was sure I could find someone.
I'm not as sure. He's really good at accepting.
We then went in circles a bit over how this would be accomplished. He said that if (not when) he terminated me, he'd give me the names of other therapists. But I reminded him that when he terminated me, I wouldn't be speaking to him because I'd hate him forever and ever.
I apologized for not being nice enough to not want what's best for him, even if it meant terminating me. But then I realized that he's not nice enough to not want what's best for him even if means terminating me, so neither of us is being nice.
He was really nice about that.
So he said he'd give me the names now, when terminating me isn't even on the horizon. He mentioned them. They're all men. He says he thinks I'll have better luck with a man. I wonder if that's because he doesn't think I'll like a woman, or if he agrees with me that women therapists don't like me.
In the course of the discussion I found out a bit more than he'd previously told me. Maybe since we were already talking about termination in what he thought was a mature way, he felt he could say more? He said that he found that it wouldn't be easy to transfer his license to another state, despite the reciprocal agreements, because of some technicality. So that even if he wanted to leave the state he didn't think he could. He said this was good news. I said it meant he was thinking of abandoning me. He also asked if I would be willing to see him at nonstandard times if that was necessary. Like if he got a job. I reminded him that I had always been flexible in seeing him however I could, and that if it were possible, I would. I also reminded how unhappy and crabby he was when he had a job, and how he often wasn't present in sessions because of that, and how I really really hated that.
He says he does not foresee terminating me, he does not wish to terminate me, and he will try his hardest not to do anything that would make terminating me necessary.
I told him that I might need to call him after this session. I cried through the whole thing. He was at his absolute best, which is pretty darn good. But strangely, so far I feel less need to call him than I have at any recent session.
Go figure.
It was really really really really really hard to talk about termination.
poster:Dinah
thread:833380
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080524/msgs/833380.html