Posted by Amanda29 on August 2, 2008, at 14:35:43
I just recently talked to my therapist about some transference issuest that I was experiencing with him..and the session went really well. I left the session half upset though because I found out that I am apparently a lot sicker than what I thought..and he has noticed but hasnt said anything... so I am a little bent out of shape. BUT. He told me that our therapeutic relationship was not changed and that we are OK. SO that makes me feel good. BUT, when I went home...(this was this past thursday), I went to my neighbor and was talking to him about my session and about my anxiety being through the roof...(I cannt use anxiey meds because of my addiction to them..amd I just went to rehab in october...so I cannot take ANYTHING...and anyway, his roommate came out of the house..introduced himself to me...heard me mentioned that my anxiey was so bad and that I was struggling...and he went back into the house and brought me 2 pills...vicodin and valium. I looked at him and put them in my oocket. I didnt take them. When I went back to my house I called my therapist on his cell phone and asked him to help me. I knew the right thing would be to flush the pills but I Couldnt bring myself to do so. He told me he wasnt going to tell me what to do because that is part of what being an adult is...being able to make your own mind up.He told me good luck and we hung up the phone.
Last night my neighbor saw me walking my dog and asked me how I was feeling and if I needed another pill. I told him no. He told me he had a little bit of everything. But I told him I wasnt going to need anything.
Today, I gave in and took the Vicodin around two pm. It has done absolutely nothing to me which is good. Maybe it is God's way of keeping me from getting back on the pills. The thing is I emailed my therapist right before I took it and told him that I had gotten rid of them and that I no longer had them in my possession...(which is true)..I wanted him to be proud of me for remaining strong.
Basically I lied to him. I have only lied to him once before. I believe that a therapist should not be lied to..yet here i go lying to him. I feel bad. I am scared as to how he will react if I tell him I took the pill.
When I got out of rehab I didnt want to go to support groups because I didnt want to surround myself with people that had the same problem that I did. I was afraid that if I was arround them, I would want to use again. So I was going to prove to everyone that I can kick this addiction in the butt and that I am OK...and so far I have..until today. I Read thought that many people have a "Lapse" and that this doesnt mean that their treatment didnt work. So I am just going to stand back up and move forward and hope for the best.
I am just struggling emotionally right now and my thearpist seems to not care...which I know he does he is just being really hard on me..he is giving me "tough love" and I cannot handle it coming from him.
poster:Amanda29
thread:843737
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/843737.html