Posted by Nadezda on August 4, 2008, at 23:21:45
In reply to Re: My Therapist is away for four more weeks » Nadezda, posted by Dinah on August 4, 2008, at 17:08:25
You're right, Dinah. I know I should.
I have this tendency, though-- to make plans and then let my (negative) phantasies grow-- until I"ve developed a serious dread of the whole thing-- at which point-- I back out. It's happened countless times.
And even when I do manage to do something-- I somehow don't find the courage to do it again.
It's not a way to live-- and my T says he knows I'm able to do it-- I'm just sort of undisciplined and used to giving myself way too much leaway to get out of things-- because I'm upset, or afraid, or have decided it won't work out. I have a million excuses--- really. And they always seem so real--
I need to work on remembering that I want things-- which I always forget. That I want to go places and take a class-- and see things in the world. It's as if I start wanting something-- and eventually talk myself into believing it's being imposed on me by someone-- I'm being forced against my will--- and then I rebel against whoever it "making me" do something that's way too hard for me.
The process is so absurd-- but it really does happen. My T says I have to stop overvaluing my feelings. As I was saying-- he's right-- he actually is usually right-- despite my fighting him each step of the way.
DBT is really good for me---because I do need to learn emotional regulation-- and distress tolerance-- and acceptance (of how hard it;s going to be, but doing it anyway, among other things). I 've got to redouble my efforts, I think. And try to remember that it all starts because some part of me wants these thing-- that it's actually going to be exciting, or valuable-- and that if I give it up, I'll be losing something that might mean a lot--
I'm actually going to San Francisco in about two weeks. I mean I've got a plane reservation-- despite being afraid of flying-- and I've promised that I will. I keep wondering when-- and if, but probably when-- I'm going to start to panic. I'm worried that it might be on the plane. It still feels very unreal I guess. But the reality will hit. It scares me that it hasn't yet.
When is the 2009 Babble party? If I did somehow get past some of this, I would come. It's hard to think of myself as doing that-- but if I did, I'd be a completely different kind of person, then-- much more like the person I'm trying to become. That's a lot to expect, though, I think.
Sorry, I am really babbling.
This whole thing--this year, my T's abruptly being gone, the upcoming trip, the topsy-turviness of the last month-- has me in a very weird place. I honestly don't know what will happen.
Thanks so much for what you said, though,
Nadezda
poster:Nadezda
thread:844113
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/844242.html